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Monday, March 31, 2008

SHOWING OFF THE CITY

Dear Elise,

Neither of our parents can afford to contribute to our wedding, so we are footing the entire bill ourselves. Because many of our guests will be coming from out of town, we wanted to arrange a tour of the city and some other activities the day before the wedding.

We really can't afford to do this unless the guests contribute for their share of the fun (pay for their tour tickets, etc.). Is it wrong to ask them to do this? I know they are all paying for their flights and hotel rooms already, so the extra expense may be unwelcome. If it isn't wrong, how do I ask?

- Looking for Fun

Dear LFF,

It is considered poor form to invite people to an event and then force them to pay for themselves, so your plan is rather tricky. Having said that, it is also considerate and sounds like a lot of fun.

The best bet for this situation is for you to offer up a list of possible activities that guests can do if they want. This saves you from having to organize everything and keep track of everyone, and it also prevents people from feeling obliged to do every activity and from feeling confused when they are asked to pay their ways.

The way to let people know about these extras is to include a list of the activities in with the invitation. If you know how much these will cost, you can include that information, along with any other significant details that might make their planning easier.

So, just don't create the impression that these are invited events but know that your impulse is gracious and a lot of fun.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:09 AM    <link>

WHAT A PICTURE IS WORTH

Dear Elise,

My groom and I are planning to separate my brother-in-law's girlfriend and her son (who is 4 years old) from the rest of the family during the ceremony and the pictures. They are as good as married but I don't want anyone who is not "legally" part of the family involved. What do you think?

- The Ice Princess

Dear Ice Princess,

Yours is almost a not-uncommon issue. I have known of all sorts of family rejiggering for the sake of photographs that excludes not only the not-yet married significant others of family members, but the already married spouses as well, since only the blood connection is considered sufficiently substantial. But you must know that you are treading on delicate ground. Do you not like your brother-in-law's partner and her child? Is there some deeper reason beyond the absence of a processed marriage certificate for your wanting to keep her out of your nuptials? I ask because if you harbor negative feelings you will have to guard against revealing them to this woman, her child and your brother-in-law.

Your photograph question is easily dealt with. If you want to keep the peace and know that you have done everything to make everyone comfortable, I would recommend doing two sets of photos. Take the pictures you want that exclude your brother-in-law's partner and her child and then take a few that include them as well. It won't increase your expenses particularly and it is a kind and generous gesture. To make a huge point about excluding them from your wedding pictures highlights not so much your feelings about people being "legally" committed, as it will make this woman and her child feel hurt and excluded. This is an opportunity for you to eat your cake and have it too. (You don't need to take two complete sets of photos, just be sure to include them in enough.)

I am not sure what you mean about separating your brother's partner and her son from everyone else at the ceremony. Do you mean you don't want them in the wedding party? That is fair enough and you don't have to include them in the bridal party. But you do need to invite them to the wedding (unless you're having an entirely child-free wedding. in which case you can probably exclude the four-year-old).

But if you are talking about wanting to prohibit your brother-in-law from sitting with his life partner at your wedding because they aren't married, you're entering some unpleasant territory. Why would you try to inject an element of shame into the proceedings? Wouldn't it be preferable to celebrate commitment of all sorts at your wedding? To insist that your brother-in-law's girlfriend and son sit in the back, away from the rest of the families is a divisive and mean gesture. You don't want to have harsh sentiment at your wedding if you can possibly avoid it, and you can.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:52 AM    <link>

ANNOUNCING HIS LAST NAME

Dear Elise,

My fiance wants to take my last name after we are married. He is going to wait on taking it probably until after his father passes away so he doesn't hurt his feelings. I am perfectly fine with this.

My question is, after the wedding when we are announced, how in the world will they be able to announce us? Should it be: "I now present Mr John Q Public and Mrs. Jane Doe?" or "Mr and Mrs John Public and Jane Doe?"

I would prefer something other than the generic "man and wife" or "husband and wife," but I just don't see how it would be possible.

- Totally Confused

Dear TC,

Are you asking how you should be introduced immediately after the wedding if your husband does not intend to announce that he's taking your name immediately?

If that is the case, your officiant, or whoever is tasked with announcing you could say simply: "I now present the newlyweds." Or he or she could say: "Please welcome Jane Doe and John Public." Using the "Mrs." title at this moment may be confusing (although some people might not notice it at all, or if they do they may think it is a slight mistake on the part of your announcer).

Since it sounds as if your fiance wants to keep his intentions on the Q.T. for the foreseeable future, perhaps the best approach to take is to pretend he isn't changing his name, and only change course when he decides to go public with his decision.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:01 AM    <link>

HOW AWFUL IS SHE REALLY?

Dear Elise,

My son will be getting married soon and his future wife is doing everything possible to alienate our family from the festivities. She hasn't included my husband and myself in any arrangements but has asked us to pay for the bridal shower and rehearsal dinners. How can I handle this without hurting my son? I don't have the means to pay what she expects.

- Upset

Dear Upset,

This is indeed a sorry state of affairs but remember that you can only be exploited if you let yourself be taken advantage of. Don't let yourself be bullied by your future daughter-in-law's expectations or what you SUPPOSE are her expectations. Offer what you can.

Now, if you are following the very traditional pattern of wedding financing, the bride and her family traditionally "host" the proceedings and the groom and his family pay for the rehearsal dinner. This is not the way most contemporary weddings are paid for, by the way, but even if this wedding is cleaving to this older style, you are still entitled to invite a certain number of people as your guests.

What sort of input do you really want to have on the wedding? Are you content with hosting the rehearsal dinner? Do you want to host the bridal shower? What are your expectations? Decide how you feel and figure out how much money you want to spend on these affairs. You are not obliged to go into debt for this or any wedding, nor are you expected to just sign checks for the bride to throw whatever party she wants. If you are hosting something, say, the rehearsal dinner, you are in charge of the event. I should add here that it is hardly traditional for the groom's family to host a bridal shower. That is an event that the bride's wedding party and close friends usually handles. If you want to do this, however, you should feel free to host any sort of wedding shower you like. In both cases, if you host, you get to pick the venue, the menu, the size of the guest list. Your son's fiancee can make suggestions, of course, but since you are footing the bill, you are the final word when it comes to what you can afford. That is the beginning and end of it.

If you are truly not interested in planning these things, you could offer to give your son however much money you are willing to spend on the party for him to deal with as he sees fit, but it sounds as if you do want to contribute your own taste and energy to the affairs.

In short, your son's future wife can't force you to spend what you can't afford and you shouldn't feel that being unable or unwilling to exert yourself financially is a negative gesture. You can show your love an interest in many ways.

Don't be sullen. Be interested and engaged. Talk to your son if his fiancee isn't forthcoming. Let him know about your financial limitations and offer to help in other ways. Listen to him. Do not let this become an insurmountable division between you and your son. His girlfriend may have misguided ideas and he may be oblivious but if they are going to be married you will do well to find ways of navigating their weirdness and your own reaction to it, so only offer what you want and beyond that be caring and loving and invested in ways that go beyond your checkbook.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:36 AM    <link>

DIFFERENT EVENTS, DIFFERENT INVITATIONS

Dear Elise,

My fiancee and I are from two different coasts. We've decided to have the ceremony and (main) reception on the west coast, with a smaller/simpler reception on the east coast for those family members who can't afford to make it out the following weekend. How do we handle this in terms of invitations and the wedding website?

My initial thought was that people will self select whatever is easiest, but I've already run into a few folks who (unexpectedly) are planning to attend both?! Likewise, there are a handful of folks from the east coast who might be able to swing the trip out west. While I'm flattered that people want to do both, to keep costs down, and to minimize anyone feeling like they have to go to both, I'm stuck for how to promote/invite folks.

Do we do two separate sets of invites? Two separate websites? Would people feel excluded if they were on one list but not the other? Maybe just have them indicate which they can make (I'm also trying to keep costs down as my parents are helping with this. So I want to control numbers if I can)?

Thanks!

- Double Trouble

Dear Double Trouble,

When it comes to guest lists, it is a very bad idea to relinquish control to your guests. This is one area in which you want to leave as little as possible up to chance. You will make yourself crazy if you offer everyone too many options and you won't be able to budget at all.

So, pick your dates for both receptions and figure out who you want to invite to each event. If there are a couple of people (close relatives or the odd friend) you would like to invite to both parties, you can put them on both lists, but for the sake of your sanity, do not offer the option of attending either or both parties to everyone. If you feel uncomfortable about some people having volunteered to do the wedding marathon and attend both events, you can let them know that as you started planning you realized you had to make serious guest lists. (And you don't really know if these brave souls would actually have made both trips in the end. People talk big but can be odd on follow through.)

You will need to issue two sets of invitations, one for each party. This makes sense because the events are completely separate, on opposite coasts, on different weeks. Mail them separately. Treat them as two completely different parties, which they are.

As for web sites, you can have one or two. It would be most discreet to maintain separate ones for each event. If you only have one site, create separate pages for each reception. Since many of your guests know about your two-reception plan, you won't be surprising anyone.
Good luck and don't relinquish control.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:32 PM    <link>

TOSSING SOMETHING

Dear Elise,

At her wedding last summer, my friend chose to throw a different bouquet from the one she carried during the ceremony. Her wedding was VERY unconventional, and the bouquet she threw was made of super-tacky plastic flowers.

I'm taking a slightly less "tongue-in-cheek" approach to my wedding, and I do want a beautiful bouquet for my own walk down the aisle, but I also want to maintain a sense of humor about the whole thing.

I caught the plastic bouquet at my friend's wedding and have been thinking of throwing it at mine, since it turned out to be such good luck. I also secretly want to be able to keep my own bouquet, as I love flowers and can rarely afford them. Is that tacky?

Thanks,

- Want to Keep My Flowers

Dear Want to Keep,

What a wonderful tribute to a bundle of plastic flowers. You've turned a potential eyesore into a keepsake, a good luck charm, even. Why wouldn't you reuse them and spread your good will?

Actually, opting to throw an alternative bouquet isn't that odd a choice. There is a substantial tradition of tossing a second bouquet to the crowd while preserving the bride's primary bouquet. Often the bridal bouquet is presented to a friend or relative who was unable to attend the wedding, but there is no reason you can't take yours home and enjoy it after your nuptials.

Throw those plastic flowers and hope that someone benefits from them as much as you did.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:54 AM    <link>

DOES HE REALLY NEED AN INVITATION?

Elise,

My fiance and I are planning a small destination wedding within the next year (we are paying for flight, hotel, etc.). We went into it thinking the guests would be immediate family only (2 moms, one dad, siblings and 2 grandparents). The only "guest" would be my mother's friend or her cousin. My father passed away, a few years ago, I'm the only child; so I felt she was entitled to bring someone with her.

However, upon hearing that it was "only family", one of my fiance's sisters became completely offended that her live-in boyfriend of 6 months wasn't going to be on the guest list. We were accused of being "selfish" for drawing a line and she even threatened not to come.

We explained that there was going to be a big party when we got back to celebrate with about 150+ friends and family and the boyfriend was obviously invited. I'm trying to see her side. What if, when the wedding comes around, she is still with the guy? That makes it a year and half relationship I guess. But again, this girl has had 3 boyfriends in 4 years.

Am I crazy? Is the sister's position on this completely absurd? Should we just invite the guy? Thanks for your help.

- Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

Prepare to be still more irritated. There's a good chance your fiance's sister is in the right.

When you invite people to a wedding, you are obliged to invite their significant others. Even if one doesn't invite single people to bring dates, people in committed relationships (married couples, cohabiting couples, longtime companions) are considered a unit. So, if your sister is still living with her boyfriend by the time your wedding rolls around you will be obliged to invite him. To do otherwise would be harsh.

What about the other siblings on your roster? Are they in committed relationships and will you be inviting their partners? It would be awfully difficult to exclude some of the siblings' partners on the grounds that you don't think the relationship is substantial enough.

At any rate, for now you should plan on inviting your sister's boyfriend. She's living with him and they appear to be serious. If they break up before your wedding, you aren't under any obligation to let her swap in someone else.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:54 AM    <link>

FUNCTIONAL COCKTAIL HOUR

Hi Elise,

Our wedding venue is a private home out in the country and not particularly easy to get to. We think people will need some flexibility on arrival time, so we thought it would be fun to host a cocktail hour before the ceremony. It will also lighten the mood. My fiance and I prefer not-so-serious-nuptials.

I am worried it may be off-putting to religious or non-drinking guests, and I don't want to give the impression that it’s going to be a "drinkfest" right off the bat, especially since we are providing a hosted bar throughout the evening. On the other hand, it's important that everyone knows it will be appropriate to arrive early.

Would it be in good taste to mention the cocktail hour on the invitation? If yes, what's the best way to word this without implying that it's replacing the reception and meal? Any advice?

Thanks!

- Advertise Cocktail Hour?

Dear ACH,

It is a great idea to use a cocktail hour as a convivial buffer period for stragglers. If you want it to do its job, however, you will completely undermine its purpose if you tell everyone that they have an extra hour in which to dawdle and bumble in at their convenience.

If you want your plan to work, don't tell your guests that you're having a cocktail hour. Let them arrive with furrowed brows, fearing that the worst has happened and they've missed your vows, and then thrill them with a cocktail and a chance to breathe a sigh of relief before sitting down for your ceremony.

Since you're not taking an extremely solemn approach to your wedding, you are in an especially good position to let your evening play out without warning people about your schedule. This low-key approach should help you with your fears about upsetting some guests. Even non-drinkers can be happy with a quick non-alcoholic sip of something and no one will arrive thinking that they should get sloshed before the ceremony.

Let your hospitality work for you in all ways. It will be a happy surprise and reward for people who come on time, and it will let you manage the very real threat of latecomers. You don't have to advertise the schedule.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:56 PM    <link>

PUBLIC OPENING

Hi Elise,

In the past year I have attended close to 15 bridal and/or baby showers. I have to say they are all pretty painful to attend. You all sit around, eat some food and then watch the guest of honor open all of her gifts in front of the group and everyone ooohhhhs and aaaahhhhhsss all the while you are checking the time so you can leave. Not only is it like watching paint dry, at the party you never get to spend any real quality time with the guest of honor because she is sitting in front of the group opening gifts.

I am now the bride to be and will soon have my own shower. I would like to have a great party where I can enjoy my guests. Here's my question: Do you HAVE to open your gifts at the shower? What is a polite way to avoid it? How can this be pulled off without offending anyone? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

- Rebel Bride

Dear RB,

If you don't want to have the present opening ritual at your shower, you are free to skip it. If you sense that there will be some protest about this, just say that you'd rather take the time to enjoy the party. This is one element common to wedding showers that is traditional but unnecessary and you are right that it isn't always thrilling.

The best way to avoid the whole present-opening portion of the afternoon (or evening) is to tell your friends or whoever will be hosting your shower, that you really don't want to do this. Explain your feelings (not so much that the exercise is incredibly tedious but that you want to take the chance to talk to people while they're all together). This should do the job. If anyone pushes you can be gently firm about your decision.

Of course there will be protest and some people will be disappointed that they won't get to see you react to the presents they brought, which they had selected specifically to be opened semi-publicly. But if you don't want to do it, you don't have to. Be pleasant about your decision, acknowledge that it is a little unconventional and make sure you write thank you notes to everyone.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:41 AM    <link>

KIDLESS CEREMONY

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I decided, many months ago, that we did not want to have children at our wedding reception. Our wedding is formal, begins at 6pm, with the reception at 8pm, and so we decided it was not appropriate to have children at the reception (it's past most of their bedtimes anyway). We are welcoming our nieces and nephew to the ceremony, and arranging a kids' room during the reception for any children that do come and stay up. Furthermore, we decided not to include children in the wedding party and ceremony. I am not the flower girl type, and I don't want to rely on a child to do the right thing at the right time during the ceremony. I don't hate children, but I just don't want them in my wedding.

My fiance's family seemed to be happy with this, as long as their five year-old grandchild would be able to attend the ceremony and that we had this kids room. Well, suddenly my fiancee's parents, undoubtedly persuaded by his sister, told us that if we do not have his niece in our wedding (as a flower girl or some other important role) that there would be a lot of unhappiness (and that is putting it nicely).

My brother also has two kids whom I love dearly. If we include my fiance's niece, we would need to also accommodate them. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable otherwise.

We feel that this is our wedding and it is presumptuous to ask us to include children in the ceremony, especially after they told us they understood when we explained it months ago (and have since planned our ceremony and how it would all work). What is the best way to communicate our feelings? We want them to be happy, but we also want control over our wedding without feeling that we are being blackmailed.

- No Kids in Wedding

Dear NKIW,

While there is no harm in asking politely if one's child can be a flower girl, it is ridiculous to try to strong arm the situation and browbeat one's loved ones until they include some small child in the ceremony. You don't need me to tell you that it is poor form to make these sorts of demands on a wedding couple.

Still, you and your fiance need to decide together about standing up to your future in-laws. If you are committed to having a child free wedding ceremony, and are prepared to stick to your guns, you are in a good position. You and your fiance need to explain to his parents and to his sister directly that you can't include one niece or nephew without including all of them and you just aren't prepared to have three children in your wedding party.

At this point, you should try to stick to themes of diplomacy when it comes to not having your fiance's niece in the wedding party. If you tell your future in-laws you simply don't want children in the wedding, you'll risk them getting miffed and insulted, angry at your feelings about kids and then they'll probably embark on an effort to change your feelings. On the other hand, being firm about your decision not to insult your family by showing preference for one niece is a reasonable and diplomatic decision.

I do hope they will be persuaded if you keep a reasonable stance, and remember to explain your position to your fiance's parents AND his sister. Don't let anyone play the middleman. You may even do best speaking to your future sister-in-law first. That way you will have dealt responsibly and directly with the people most likely to be offended and your fiance's parents will be less capable of stirring the pot. They are all adults and if you treat them that way, perhaps they will rise and model your behavior.

Good luck.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:19 PM    <link>

NO EXTRAS, PLEASE

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I are having a small wedding this fall (50 person max due to venue). Is it OK to invite some of our friends as a single invitation, or do we need to assume a guest for everyone (even if we would not know them)?

- Crowded

Dear Elise,

We are having a smaller, casual wedding and are paying for it ourselves. Is it rude to not give single folks invited to the wedding the option of bringing a guest?

I plan on inviting couples, married or long term dating couples, even if I don't know one half of the couple. But if someone is an "established" single person can I just invite that person or do I have to include a "guest" on the invitation?

Thank you,

- Not wanting just anybody at our wedding.

Dear Crowded and Not Wanting,

It is not unusual for people to find that they need to limit the number of guests at their weddings, and it is actually quite traditional to only invite people with their significant others. This is a reasonable choice, though I must admit that I find the cutsie phrase people use to describe this practice, "no ring, no bring" to be more than a little problematic. The phrase suggests one would only invite engaged or married couples while excluding the partners of gay friends and relatives or the partners of people who have no interest in getting married but who would be happy to witness someone else's wedding.

So, the way to make this work is to only invite people with their significant others (spouses, life partners, fiances, fiancees, established companions). Don't split hairs and try to dodge inviting someone's boyfriend or girlfriend just because you haven't met him or her. If the relationship exists, you should invite the person.

But it is absolutely acceptable not to allow everyone to attend with a guest to be named later.

Having said that, you do stand a chance of losing a couple of single guests who prefer not to attend solo, but that is their choice and you don't have to argue or feel awkward about it. As long as you treat everyone with the same, even hand, and don't allow some people to bring guests and not others, you should be fine.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:34 AM    <link>

BRUNCH BULLIES

Hi,

I would appreciate your advice on this delicate situation. I am Irish living with my New Yorker partner in London and we are planning our wedding in Manhattan. My parents are dead so my fiance's parents are, I suspect, feeling that they are the hosts, even though we have not asked them to do anything.

They have been very keen from the outset that the event be a three day affair, with a rehearsal dinner, wedding, then brunch in their Staten Island home the following day. My fiance and I have told them from the outset that we did not want a brunch because the out-of-towners want to spend the day relaxing in Manhattan and seeing the sights and that we would like to catch up with them in small groups for a quick coffee instead. We are not having a honeymoon and want to take it easy that day before flying back to London.

Despite our protestations they have sent invites to brunch out to their side of the family and to their friends and are now putting us under pressure to attend saying we are selfish if we do not attend. I sent my future Mum-in-law an email saying that even though we appreciate their invitation that we cannot attend and that I would like to entertain them when they come to the UK. I received no reply to this email and the last phone conversation with her was frosty with no mention of the event. HELP.

- Frazzled bride

Dear Frazzled

At this point, you and your future in-laws are stuck in a battle of wants. It is unlikely that you will be able to get them to come around to your way of thinking. This is indeed tricky.

Perhaps the best new approach to take with them would be to talk to your fiance about a plan of action. Are there any ways to offer them something of a compromise? Would you be open to starting your day on Staten Island with your fiance's parents and moving on at a set time? (This might not be possible given the geographical issues getting between Staten Island and Manhattan.) If you don't participate in the brunch, are there any other gestures you could offer to show that you aren't rejecting your future in-laws in your decision to skip their brunch? Are you having a rehearsal dinner where the guest list could be expanded to include more of their brunch friends?

Once you have a plan, have your fiance talk to his parents directly (on the phone, not through email) and explain your position and what sort of gesture you'd like to offer to make it up to them. Both of you should be direct and let them know that you don't want to hurt them, that you appreciate their excitement and the brunch, but that you need to see your friends in your own way. Since you only have that single day it is important that you schedule it in the way that is best for you.

Acknowledging the conflict is the first step. You don't have to do what they want you to do (especially since you've never indicated that you would accept the brunch), but opening up a line of communication can only help you.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:40 AM    <link>

PARENTS DEMAND CREDIT

Dear Elise,

My parents have provided a generous sum to pay for our wedding. We are extremely grateful because we would not be able to have a wedding reception at all if they hadn't provided the budget. They are not, however, the only contributors. My fiance's parents are buying the wedding cake and are also providing the rehearsal dinner, my fiance's employers are giving us a DJ, and I'm working off the photographer's fee with trade.

My parents are very hands off with all the planning until we try to make a decision. They swear that they're not telling me what to do, but we have compromised on almost every major aspect of the wedding (especially location and size of the guest list, which is much larger than we wanted).

The latest issue has been the invitations. We are designing and printing our own invitations. I worded the invite: "Along with their families, Bride and Groom invite you to celebrate their marriage..." My mother said: "You father feels that since he's giving you the wedding the invitation should be worded it: Mr. and Mrs. Dad and Mom invite you..."

I don't want to change the wording of the invites. I think this traditional way of letting the world know who's paying for the wedding is tacky. And I also don't want to slight my future parents-in-law for their contributions. Everyone will know or guess that the bride's father paid for the (majority) of the wedding, and I don't see why it needs to be announced. Finally, I've had to give up so much that was important to me with this wedding and the invitations are the one thing that is the way I want.

I understand that my father wants the credit and the traditional place is on the invites, I certainly don't want to offend or hurt my parents, or throw a foot stomping tantrum to get what I want. Is this just another thing I should cave on since they're paying? How do I get "my way" without seeming ungrateful for all that they've given us?

- Not At All Ungrateful

Dear Not at all,

This is tricky for you because you feel you have given up so much in hopes of satisfying your parents and now you're angry that they still want more. I can't guarantee that any approach will get your parents to compromise or see your point of view necessarily, but you can certainly try.

In truth, wedding invitations are not credit lists. Guests don't study invitations to see which party contributed to the event (as if they could tell, anyway) and even in the most traditional etiquette texts offer variations on the so-called standard: "Bride's Parents request the honor of your presence, etc." So you aren't even being incredibly weird or provocative. Hosting, in the sense that the hosts are listed on the wedding invitation, is as much about spirit as it is about cash.

When you reply to your parents, be very calm. Don't get angry or defensive or point to your previous compromises or tell them that they're silly. Let them know that you understand that they like the so-called traditional set up where only the bride's parents are named on the invitation as hosts, but say that you feel very uncomfortable doing this because you are afraid of insulting your future in-laws. Tell them that you don't want your fiance's parents to feel that their gestures were unwelcome or went unrecognized. Tell your parents that you are grateful for their incredibly generous offer and you know how much more substantial it is than what your in-laws are offering but that you just don't feel you can ignore them (if pressed you can say that you don't feel comfortable using the invitation to make larger statements about money). If you are willing to compromise in a different way, would you be willing to offer them another choice: listing everyone's names where theirs come first?

Bride's Parents' Names
And
Groom's Parents' Names
Request the honor of your presence
At the marriage of. . . (or whatever language you choose)

There is no telling whether your parents will go for this gambit, but I think suggesting that creating the appearance of ignoring your future in-laws' gestures will potentially alienate them long after the wedding. They may decide to relax their stance if only because they might see it as a way to make your post-wedding life easier.

Avoid if you possibly can any argument that makes you sound like a child or extremely emotional, even if you feel completely insane. Present this as a problem that you need to solve with their help.

Good luck.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:37 AM    <link>

TRICKY BRIDSEMAID OPTIONS

Dear Elise,

I am having a dilemma choosing my bridesmaids. My best friend from high school is my maid of honor, and my fiancee's sister will also be a bridesmaid. I really want another dear friend to be the third, but am worried about offending my brother's wife. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding (She had six.). Should I ask her as a courtesy or ask the friend I really want? Thanks!

- Hard Choices

Dear HC

As a general matter, there are no hard rules about bridesmaid reciprocity. One is not required to include people in one's wedding party because one served in theirs. This makes sense if one keeps in mind that wedding parties come in so many sizes.

In your case, you don't have to ask your sister-in-law to be in your wedding party, but you also don't need to force yourself to choose between your friend and your brother's wife. Is there a reason why you feel you must have a wedding party of three? You could always include everyone and have four wedding attendants, which would ease all of your issues. If you are concerned about matching your bridal party size to your fiance's, know that you can always have uneven numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen without any confusion. It is perfectly traditional.

I don't know your sister-in-law, so I can't tell if excluding her would cause a lot of difficulty for you, regardless of the fact that you don't have to include people in your wedding party in whose weddings you served. Take the measure of everyone's feelings, including your own and know that there are a few solutions to your question.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:48 AM    <link>

ADDRESSING REDUX

Hi Elise,

I'm in a conundrum about addressing my wedding invitations. I'm uncomfortable simply omitting the woman's first name altogether ("Mr. and Mrs. John Doe"). Why can't Jane be included? What are my options to get around this? I don't want to offend people or make this a feminist issue, but I just don't like the idea of omitting the woman's name.

A second question: I am keeping my name when I get married. Does this mean I will never be a "Mrs." and should be identified as "Ms. Maidenname" after we're married? I have heard conflicting rules about who gets to be a "Mrs."

Thanks!

Whose Name is it Anyway


Dear WNIIA,

In fact there are ways to address your wedding invitations to married couples that include the woman's name in the equation. The simplest format is to include everything, for instance:

Mr. and Mrs. Paul and Karen Fisher.

Many people feel uncomfortable the same way you do about leaving out the woman's first name, so this solution is a good one. Keep in mind, though, that many people also feel more comfortable with that "old-fashioned" construction. Ideally, when you address your envelopes, you'd take your friends' preferences into account and embrace a happy inconsistency. You can address your invitations according to your guests' preferences. You won't offend or create any sort of issue if you take their feelings into account, though this may mean using the "traditional" construct for some people.

As for your other question, if you keep your name, using "Mrs." will be somewhat confusing. For the sake of clarity you would use "Ms." since the title can be used for married or unmarried women. Obviously, you aren't committing a crime if you use "Mrs." but if you do, you'll get stuck having to explain that your husband's last name is not yours, which gets annoying after a while.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 4:37 AM    <link>

NOT ON THE INVITATION

Hi,

I am getting married this summer and my fiance and I live in a tiny apartment and have absolutely no space or need for anything.

We are, however, saving to buy our first house together in the next couple years and would love monetary gifts instead to add to our "nest egg." Is it rude to state this somewhere in the invite? Could we say something like "we are not registered for gifts, but we really want a house someday"?

Thanks,

Future Home Buyer

Dear Future Home Buyer,

This question comes up a lot and the answer hasn't changed. You just can't ask for money (or any other presents for that matter) on an invitation. It is virtually impossible not to come off as grabby.

Even if you try to write something gentle and cute and honest, you'll run into the central problem which is that you don't want to create the impression that you expect people to pay for their invitations.

You can, however, request monetary presents if people ask what you want. Ask your parents and any wedding party members you may have to spread the word for you as well. After that, don't register. If you forego registering anywhere, your friends and family won't even be tempted to get you anything off a registry. Of course there is always the chance that your guests will just give you the presents they feel like giving, regardless of your wishes, but that chance exists no matter what you do.

An invitation shouldn’t be off-putting, so save all requests, beyond those for the pleasure of your guests' company, for a live conversation.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:39 AM    <link>

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