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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

BUCKING THE FIRST DANCE

Dear Elise,

I have never been one for organized fun, and the traditional father/daughter and mother/son dances at weddings have always made me a little queasy! We are even considering not really having a first dance as a married couple.

My dad does not like the spotlight, and only dances when my mom forces him, so I never wanted or expected a father/daughter dance. However, my fiance's mom is uber-traditional, and definitely wants a mother/son dance. Would it look weird if my fiance danced with his mom but I didn't dance with my dad? Would it look like we aren't close or something? Would it look weird if we had the mother/son dance and no first dance?

I should also mention that my fiance comes from a big family, so his guests will outnumber ours three to one (which will not help my dad's comfort level). I also don't think suggesting a joint mother/son and father/daughter dance would go over well with my future MIL.

Thanks for your help!

- My Dad Doesn't Dance

Dear MDDD

There is certainly no rule that you have to have a father/daughter dance. Even if your fiance and his mother have a dance together, you don't need to jump in. This is a great opportunity for everyone to get what he or she wants. Your future mother-in-law is in no way challenged by your father's inclination to remain seated and your father doesn't have to waltz before a jury of his peers just because it's traditional.

If you truly feel you need to demonstrate your closeness to your father, you could always give a toast to him (and your mother) at your reception, but you are fine sitting it out. If anyone asks, you can say that you're showing your father how much you love him by not forcing him to dance.

The same principle applies to not wanting to have a solo dance with your future groom. If it wouldn't be fun for you, it really isn't necessary. All you need to do, is make sure that your guests understand that it is all right for them to get up and dance as soon as your future-mother-in-law and your future husband finish their dance together. This could be accomplished by your husband leaving her to scoop you up and having his mother dance with someone else, while other guests (who you have coached before hand to step in after the first dance) hop onto the dance floor. As soon as you have a handful of couples out there, no one will remember that you didn't claim a moment in the spotlight.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:34 PM    <link>

NO CASH REQUESTS IN WRITING

Dear Elise,

Please send me proper wording for my daughter's high school invitations. I would like to put on invitations that there will be a box available for cards, money, gift cards for her gifts. What is proper wording to ask for these gifts only?

- Proud Mother

Dear Proud,

Your daughter is to be congratulated on finishing high school. (I assume you're inviting people to a graduation ceremony or party.)

I can't send you money request language, however, because there is none. As with wedding invitations, one should never ask for money on an invitation. Doing so undermines the entire purpose of the invitation, turning it into an exchange (give a present or cash in exchange for being able to attend) instead of a welcome gesture.

If people ask you directly what your daughter would like, you can tell them that she could use cash, or that since her tastes seem to change with the wind you think a gift card would be safest, but it is just a bad idea to make these statements on any kind of invitation.

Congratulations to you, too,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:04 AM    <link>

ARE ATTENDANTS NECESSARY?

Dear Elise,

I am 23 and getting married in a couple of months. My fiance and I decided to have a very simple, intimate wedding with family and friends. We also decided not to have any wedding attendants. We just assumed everyone would be ok with it. My father told me that it was tacky for me not to have one, and wanted me to ask my sister who is 12 years older and to whom I am not very close.

Our wedding ceremony will not be very normal either but will consist of a 30 min bible-based wedding talk, during which my fiance and I will be sitting, so it didn't make sense to us.

To confuse things even more, my father is paying for our honeymoon and my sister offered to cater the wedding herself. Do our odd wedding plans make us ungrateful?

- Black Sheep

Dear Black Sheep,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having a bridal party. There isn't even anything weird about it. You don't need to have anyone stand up with you at all. It doesn't even matter what kind of ceremony you have. The wedding party is a nice and happy element in many weddings that just doesn't appeal to everyone.

So your wedding plans aren't weird or problematic, but perhaps you can come to some point of compromise with your father. The first step will be to stop thinking of yourself as a black sheep or outsider. Your wedding is a good opportunity for you to be yourself and include your family in a happy event. Can you think of other ways to honor your father and your sister who are contributing so much to your wedding? You could mention them in your wedding talk, perhaps or include a special toast acknowledging them at your reception.

I wonder if at the center of your father's request is just a desire to see the family connections reinforced in front of your guests, so maybe you can come up with a gesture that accommodates your ceremony while honoring your family's larger interests, which are yours as well.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:31 AM    <link>

SO FAR IN ADVANCE

Hi,

I'm getting married in December and having a tiny wedding (18 guests). We're going away for 2 days and I’ve asked my sister and my best friend to be bridesmaids. However, I have another friend that might be coming. We need to know if she's coming because we have booked a cottage for a whole week and if she can't go, I will invite someone else.

She was supposed to let me know if she could come by the beginning of April, yet she still hasn't done so. I don’t want to nag because she has a very stressful job and is struggling to get the time off work, which I completely understand, but it makes it awkward. It's getting difficult to talk to my "reserve" guest about the wedding as I can't tell her whether she is coming or not (at the moment she has assumed she isn't and I haven't corrected her because there is literally no room for her at our venue, otherwise I’d love her to be there).

My additional worry if my friend does end up coming, how do I tell her she's not a bridesmaid? My other friend and sister already have their outfits and everything's pretty much sorted. I didn't ask my other friend, as she was unsure as to whether she could come. I can't afford another dress and also she’s told me that if she does come she won't arrive until shortly before the ceremony. The other girls will be there all morning helping me to get ready (and calm my nerves). I also don't think it would look right to have 3 bridesmaids when we only have 18 guests; but assuming she does get back to me fairly soon and tells me she can come should I tell her I've already chosen my bridesmaids? She’s one of my oldest friends and if I were having a big wedding I'd love to have her, it's just that the circumstances have meant that I've asked other people instead.

Best wishes,

- Bad friend?

Dear Bad Friend,

I'm not sure how you arrived at feeling you're "bad" or in the wrong. The only problem with your plans is that you are so far ahead of the game that you expect everyone to be as well planned as you are.

Try shifting your perspective a bit. Your wedding is in the winter, two seasons from now, and it is difficult for your friend to get time off or schedule things too far in advance. Remember that for most weddings, guests are not even given the opportunity to commit to invitations until much closer (six to eight weeks, generally) to the event. As for your other friend, the one you would like to invite, is there no place even close to your venue where she could stay so that she can attend your wedding? That would allow you to include everyone (or at least the possibility of everyone) and not feel impatient. If not, then your best plan is to just sit tight and wait for your first friend to let you know what her plans are. Remember, again, that you are looking far into the future and most of your guests are probably not used to scheduling events so far in advance, so unless your plans are scheduled for a major holiday, your second friend will probably be flexible.

Now, as for friend one and the whole bridesmaid question, you certainly don't have to ask her, and she probably isn't imagining that she will be a bridesmaid (given her timing issues). You can tell her, of course, that you will be having a bridal party, but don't elaborate on the reasons why you haven't asked her to be a member of the wedding. Just let her know what's going on and that you are thrilled she can come (if she can) or disappointed that she won't be there (if she can't attend).

Really you're fine right now; so don't worry about having to get everything fixed in perfect place. You have months to go.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:14 AM    <link>

LEFT OUT

Dear Elise,

I'm part of a large mixed-sex group of friends. We all met at university, and hardly ever went for separate outings, all-boys or all-girls nights out. Many of my male friends from the group have started to get married they all seem to be having men-only bachelor parties to which I, as a woman, am not invited.

I've been to 4 weddings in the last year and not been invited to any, but my boyfriend, who isn't as close to these guys, has been jetting off all over the place to various bachelor parties. I feel sad because I don't often see my friends and envy the time he spends with them. I'm not invited to the bachelorette parties either because I don't know their girlfriends as well as I know my male friends.

There also seems to be an automatic assumption that a bachelor party has to include a visit to a strip club. I find this really disagreeable. I object to the whole ethos of strip clubs and I object to any boyfriend of mine going to a strip club.

Nobody seems to understand or sympathize. I feel depressed, but I don't want to stop my boyfriend going to the bachelor parties. The one thing I won't compromise on is I've told him that if he goes to any strip clubs I will leave him. Am I overreacting?

- Bachelor Blues

Dear BB,

This is the problem with the single-gender party situation. Men and women traditionally elect to have very different sorts of events, which often cater to the lowest common denominator of gender interests. Neither group is especially likely to be interested in the other's party. Of course, there is also a good chance that no one, even members of the sex for which the party is designed, is going to be wild for it. But that is the problem with the lowest common denominator generally.

So your friends have fallen for the whole bachelor party gambit, which excludes you. This is a bit depressing, perhaps because you expected something else from them, but you wouldn't want to go to these events anyway.

I suspect that your boyfriend is being invited to these parties as a courtesy to you. You say he doesn't really know your friends that well and it really seems as if including him in this party is a gesture towards including you, through a proxy.

Now, your boyfriend doesn't have to go to these things. He might not even mind not going if he has no particular attachment to them. Beyond that, there isn't much you can do because your friends have made a choice: for this one party, they are going to embrace the traditional boys-only bonanza, and you won't be allowed to play. Maybe its disappointing, but maybe you could use the night to do something more pleasurable and find a time to see your friends when they're more likely to act like the men you actually care about instead of. . . well, bachelor party aficionados.

You've done all you can do at this point. It is fair to tell your boyfriend about your feelings regarding strip clubs, and I hope he decides to listen to you about something that is clearly so important to you.

Your friends are doing something that doesn't include you at a moment of extreme transition. Try to let it go and make plans for something that will be interesting to all of you in the future.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:46 AM    <link>

ADVANCED INVITATION LANGUAGE

Dear Elise,

My grandmother and father have raised me and I want to include both of their names on the wedding invitation. How do I word that I am his daughter and her granddaughter. Also, the groom's mother wants her first name on the invitation but I want to do it formal- with Mr. and Mrs. How would I do this without others thinking that they are divorced?

Unconventional Set-up

Dear Unconventional,

This is a complicated set up for your wedding invitations, but if you don't mind breaking away a bit from strict format, you can make it work.

In general, married couples names appear together, on the same line, of wedding invitations, so you don't have to worry about creating a misunderstanding with your future in-laws appearing divorced or your grandmother and father appearing to be a married couple. But you may need some clarifying language.

Here is an example of a format that might work for you, though it is a bit stiff:

Mrs. Anna Steed (Your Grandmother's Name)
and
Mr. Frederick Steed (Your Father's Name)
and
Mr. and Mrs. Aldon and Margaret Waters (Groom's Parents Names)
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of the daughter of Mr. Steed
Mary Steed (Your Name)
to
Harrison Waters (Groom's Name)
Date
Time
Place
RSVP

An alternate format could be:

Mrs. Anna Steed (Your Grandmother's Name)
and
Mr. Frederick Steed (Your Father's Name)
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of his daughter
Mary Steed (Your Name)
to
Harrison Waters (Groom's Name)
son of
Mr. and Mrs. Aldon and Margaret Waters (Groom's Parents Names)
Date
Time
Place
RSVP

You may want to rejigger the language a bit, but this should get you off to a good start on the way to something comfortable.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:14 AM    <link>

EXTREME PRESENT OBLIGATIONS

Hi Elise,

My daughter will be a bridesmaid for one of her best friends. There are a number of showers and the bachelorette party being given for the bride. Are the bridesmaids expected to give a gift for every shower/party? They'll also be buying their dresses and accessories.

Thank you.

- Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

Your letter explains why brides should, generally, have no more than two showers and should not have overlapping guest lists. Since showers are parties that require presents, it is almost impossible for people who are invited to multiple showers (bridesmaids included) not to feel that they are being drained.

So your daughter has a few options as to how she wants to handle these multiple showers. Perhaps the easiest thing to do is for her to set a budget for herself and select a series of small presents that do not exceed the overall amount she can spend. Alternatively, she can give one larger present and let the bride know that she is giving one big gift instead of a bunch of small ones.

Communication is key in the bridesmaid game. Your daughter should not be expected to go bankrupt financing showers, shower presents, bachelorette parties and buying her dress, but it is up to her to know how much she can spend and let her fellow bridesmaids know what her limits are. So few people are psychic when they need to be that it is important to talk about practical financial realities. That way, your daughter can work out a situation that is comfortable and resentment-free.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:00 AM    <link>

CAN'T INVITE HER

Hi Elise,

I was my cousin's bridesmaid-of-honor a couple of years ago. To be honest, we are not very close, and see each other only at Christmas once a year. I was completely surprised to be asked to be her bridesmaid-of-honor, but I just accepted and went through with it. I even had a tough time trying to come up with a speech.

Now I am engaged, and want to have a smaller wedding. I've decided not to invite extended family (other than parents and siblings), and I'm sure she would be offended if I didn't invite her... seeing I was her "#1" at her wedding. But once I open the invitation to one cousin, the door opens to many others, and I'll have to say goodbye to a small wedding.

How do I my cousin gracefully that she's not invited?

- Little Wedding

Dear Little Wedding,

This is a somewhat uncomfortable problem and it will be, no matter how you try to work it, so know that you're in for a couple of conversations that have you feeling a bit sad afterwards.

In your case, you should talk to your cousin about this, and do it before she hears second hand that you're not inviting most of your family. Tell her that you were privileged to play such a big role in her wedding, but that you're nuptials will be tiny and won't be inviting anyone beyond your absolute immediate family. Tell her that you don't want her to feel hurt or confused by your decision and that if your plans were any different you would of course include her.

You are right that inviting one cousin tends to trigger an avalanche of cousin invitations, and it would surely be uncomfortable if you invited only this one cousin and it somehow got around that you had excluded everyone else.

Emphasize in your conversation that your wedding won't be like hers, that you have to keep things tiny and that it is important to you that she understand what you're doing.

The key to making this work at all (and you may still find she has hard feelings, but at least you will have made an effort) is that you must approach things with her feelings in mind. Take her seriously and try not to be defensive about your choices. She may get angry or be hurt, and there is nothing you can do to keep her from reacting. What you can do is respect her feelings and be gentle and honest. Take the time to take care of your cousin and you can have a clear conscience.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:41 AM    <link>

WHAT SIDE? WHICH ARM?

Dear Elise,

Which side of the bride does the father walk on? I have seen it both ways and I have even read where Miss Manners says the bride is on her father's right (which makes sense), but the minister is insisting that the Father stands between the bride and groom! Help, please.

- Trying to Figure it All Out

Dear Trying,

Of course there are all sorts of ways to set up a wedding processional, but you are correct that the standard pattern involves the bride walking down the aisle on her father's right, coming to rest on the groom's left side.

Are there practical concerns for your minister wanting to place the father of the bride between the bride and groom? Really, the traditional set up exists because it is easy and the choreography makes the "hand off" from father's arm to groom's side uncomplicated. Your minister may have other reasons for wanting to arrange people differently, but you'll have to ask what these reasons might be.

If you, your daughter and her fiance don't like your minister's set up, you can absolutely talk about revising the processional to make you more comfortable.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:59 AM    <link>

PAYING FOR REDUX WEDDING

Hi-

My husband and I are in quite an awkward position. His daughter was engaged to be married, and the groom to be cheated in order to get out of the wedding. He broke her heart. After months of consoling her, we found out that he was still in the picture. Now, she has him living with her. She is pressuring us to meet with him so he can tell his side of the story. Her mother is also pressuring her to have another large wedding.

Here's my question, it is our opinion that planning another large wedding is in very poor taste. As far as our family side goes, no one will go because they don't want to have anything to do with him. We feel the same way, and she said she would not force us to be around him. Now she is forcing it.

Anyway, what is your opinion about the wedding, and what do you think about their expectation of us paying for it? Thank you,

- Living the wedding disaster

Dear Living,

It is unfortunate that your stepdaughter is so committed to such a bad choice in husband, but assuming she is a grown up, she can marry anyone she likes.

But since she is an adult, free to exercise her prerogatives, she should understand that her father is also an adult, free to exercise his. He is not obliged to pay for her wedding. Alternatively, he can offer to pay for some part of the wedding or simply offer his daughter a flat amount of money and wash his hands of all wedding planning.

Your husband's daughter shouldn't assume that he's going to pay for everything, but she may be surprised if he offered to pay for the first wedding and he isn't helping with the new nuptials. Some sort of conversation is in order where you and your husband explain how you feel and how much you feel comfortable offering her.

Don't talk to her about how much you disapprove of her fiance or try to get her to break things off. That will only make her more defensive and cling harder to her boyfriend and from what it sounds like, she will need to feel comfortable getting emotional support form you in the future. Instead just gently offer her what you can and tell her you aren't comfortable giving more.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a big wedding. Problems really arise when people expect others to finance their plans for them.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:42 AM    <link>

HE'S EXPLOSIVE

Hi,

I live abroad, and will be getting married over here. Most of my friends will be traveling from the US, along with my only immediate family: a half brother, his wife, his son and the son's girlfriend. Here's the problem. My brother and his wife have very different beliefs than my future husband and I do. His wife will be polite and respect our wishes and choices, but my half brother is very opinionated and if you don't share his opinion or beliefs even on something like the best flavor of ice cream, it's a personal assault! I remember him being angry at a Swedish restaurant for having the Swedish flag up since they were in America! Crazy.

He will rant loudly about anything he disapproves of, whether it's a disrespectful toast or picking a fight, or other spontaneous outburst, it's really hard to say. So, I know I have to invite him and his family since they will be extremely hurt if I exclude them.

How do I minimize the chance of him causing a scene of some sort? Should I task someone large to run interference? thank you!

- Trying not to be the mean half sis

Dear Trying,

It is actually your half-brother who seems to be the trying one. I'm sorry he is such a loose canon but that is who he is and short of drugging him or putting a gag in his mouth, and I recommend neither option, you are stuck with the man.

Having said that, you need to understand a few things. In the first place, you are not the one who will look bad if he shoots off his mouth. People may feel a bit sorry for you for having to deal with him, but they don't think worse of you. He is family and family almost always comes with some sort of issue.

You can't really take any practical action. It would be tricky to talk to him, since he will surely get insulted and telling his wife about your concerns will probably backfire and you do want them to feel welcome and cared for at your nuptials. I think your best bet is to come to terms with him yourself and decide that if he does behave badly you, or your fiance, will ask him to stop and if he doesn't you can ask him to leave. Make this decision and be prepared to act upon it. You can even treat him the way one would a toddler with a big mouth. Give him two chances. If he explodes, tell him you don't appreciate his outbursts at your wedding and say that if he does it again you will have to ask him to leave. And then you'll have to follow through on your threat if necessary.

With any luck your worries will not materialize and he'll be on good behavior on unfamiliar ground at someone else's wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:44 PM    <link>

AWFUL USHERS

Dear Elise,

I am getting married soon, and my fiance and I have two mutual friends who we decided to include in our ceremony as ushers. They were each also going to do a reading during the ceremony. Initially they were both very excited to be a part of our wedding and even bought matching ties in my wedding colors despite the fact that we told them just to dress nicely. One of them even wrote a blog post about how excited he was.

Unfortunately about 6 months ago they both began acting very strangely, treating my fiance and me terribly. I tried to talk to them about it and they informed us that they are "sick of couples" and tired of talking about weddings. Having been single at many friends' weddings, I know they awkwardness that one can feel in that situation, but I'm not sure what do with this change of heart. Our mutual friends who are also married or engaged have gotten the same treatment.

I don't want to lose my friends, but I'm not sure if I need that negativity all around me on my wedding day. Should I just excuse them of their usher duties? I tried to get their honest opinion of the situation, but neither of them wanted to talk about it.

Sincerely,

Usher Dilemma

Dear UD,

This is indeed unpleasant. One of the annoying things they are doing is taking a very general sort of complaint (being sick of couples) and turning it into a specific complaint about you, their friend. This certainly must feel like a fundamental betrayal.

At this point, you all need to decide what you want to do about this friendship. If you fire them, they will surely think that their negative feelings about couples are justified and desert the friendship. If you say nothing, you will of course persist in feeling hurt and uncomfortable.

There is something else you could do. Talk to them practically. Let them know that you understand how annoying it is for them to have to deal with a wedding and that you realize that they might feel conflicted. Then tell them that you can see how unhappy they are and you want first of all to know if there is anything you can do to make them happy. If the don't want to be made happier by you, then you can give them a chance, if they want it, to be regular "civilian" guests at the wedding, and not have to participate, tell them that they are off the hook if they want to be. Then I think it is important to say that you still want them in your wedding party but that you are hurt and sad about the way things have gone and that you would rather preserve the friendship than have them do anything they don't want to do.

After that, the ball is in their court and they can decide to play nicely or go sit in the corner.

Being a member of the wedding can dredge up all sorts of terrible resentments and jealousies and defensiveness. There is no way to keep those feelings from existing, but anyone can stop them from taking over and ruining a friendship. So, word to the wise: if you don't think you can just take part in the wedding and be happy for your friend (within reason, I'm not saying to let yourself be exploited or anything) don't take the job. No one wants a sourpuss bridesmaid or usher.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:08 PM    <link>

THERE'S A LOT GOING ON

Greetings, Elise.

My fiance and I are having a small wedding that we are paying for entirely by ourselves. The ceremony will be in a park that will only allow us to have 100 people and we are planning to have our reception at our favorite bar, and the owner wonderfully offered to only make us pay for drinks and gratuity. Many of my fiance's relatives have teenaged kids. My sister, also, is a teenager, but I really would prefer not having anyone under 21 at our in-bar reception.

How do I make a firm statement when someone inevitably RSVPs with their kids' names? Do I just say, "I noticed that your kids were on your RSVP card, but as this is at a bar it's a 21+ wedding only."? Also, the venue definitely has a liquor control board sign posted that says minors are allowed until 9pm! So, I don't think I'll be getting away with my aforementioned hypothetical excuse.

I am also inviting my mother out of necessity. I really want my maternal grandmother to be at my wedding and she is under my mother's care. My mother was really abusive to me growing up and I care much more about my adoptive family. My adoptive family is pushing me to have a relationship with my mother. I know she "loves" me, but I don't really love her. How do I either exclude her from my wedding, or get her to straighten up and fly right for my special event? She will know almost no one there, as I have no real family to speak of to invite. Should I just invite my sister and other kids in the immediate family to make my mom feel better when she is there?

Also my adoptive father doesn't think he should walk me down the aisle! He keeps bringing up my father, and wondering why he isn't invited. I try to explain that I won't have any contact with my father any more, but he doesn't listen. He did finally agree to walk me down the aisle, but is there anything else I need to tell him?

How long to receptions normally last? Ours should be from Noon-3 or 4pm so that the bar will open to the public around its normal time. Is that an appropriate amount of time? Traditionally, who picks up after the whole thing?

Finally, when do you send announcements? Before the wedding? After? If it is before the wedding, do you include the names you will have after the wedding (ours will be a hybrid)?

- Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

There is indeed a lot going on here. At this point, you need to approach your wedding and all of your family factions with a cool head and firm attitude. Getting defensive or overly emotional with them is only going to feed everyone's cravings for drama.

So, to your questions.

If you want to have a wedding and reception without underage children present, you aren't being unreasonable. The only thing you must do is be universal with your decision. Exclude all of them. (The only exceptions you could make to this policy are children who are in your wedding party or children of immediate family members.) You can't pick and choose which kids to include because people whose children aren't invited will be offended. Choosing to have a child-free wedding when your reception is at a bar is not crazy or impractical.

Do not print anything on your invitations about not inviting children. If you think people will bring their kids, you can either speak to them and explain that you can't accommodate kids, or you can hand write a small note to include with the invitations that simply says you're sorry that you won't be able to accommodate children at the wedding but you hope to see the kids soon, at another occasion.

You'll get some pushback for this, of course. Many people get upset when their children aren't invited to events and it may be hard for them to understand why their kids can't come to an afternoon wedding or reception, but your bottom line can be that you can't handle everyone's kids at the event and you're concerned about the potential for underage drinking.

As for your family issues, they are certainly complicated but your approach is a good one. If you feel you should include your mother, know that the gesture will score you many points that will offset future guilt (no one will be able to say you kept your mother away from your wedding). But if you do invite her, include your mother only as a guest. If she tries to press you or make trouble at your wedding, keep repeating: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the wedding I want and I'm so happy." Do not argue or take any bait she offers. If she isn't a reasonable person generally you will never win her to your way of thinking, so don't waste your time or energy. If she doesn't know anyone, she can either meet some people or leave early. Alternatively, you could invite a friend of hers or other family member to be her companion for the afternoon.

If you want your adoptive father to walk you down the aisle and he is fretting, simply say: "I want you to walk me down the aisle or no one will. That's the way I feel about it." Then again, don't argue or try to justify your choice. Don't get defensive or confused. End the conversation and let him decide what to do. There is no point, again, in trying to talk him out of his feelings of awkwardness. Just let him know that you love him, you want him to do this for you and that the job is only open to him.

Wedding receptions are incredibly flexible. They can be a couple of hours or last all night, so you should set the hours you want. As a general matter, reception venues or caterers clean up after their events, but you should take it upon yourself to talk to the bar owners to see what their expectations are. Don't take anything for granted. Ask.

Finally, wedding announcements are only sent after the wedding. It makes no sense to announce something that has yet to happen, and your announcement could easily be misinterpreted as an invitation. So, if you want to print them up, don't put them in the mail until after you're married. Sending them after the fact relieves any confusion you have about which name to use because you will be married by the time anyone sees the card.

Take deep breaths. This is a happy occasion and the start of a new stage of your life.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:21 PM    <link>

YUCKY BRIDESMAID

Dear Elise,

I have been with my fiance for four years and have become close with his family, with the exception of his sister. While we have been friendly over the years, we are just simply polar opposites. Despite our lack of a close relationship, I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids in my small bridal party. I thought it was the right thing to do, seeing as we will be family for life.

Since I asked her to be in my party, she has been a nightmare. She is in a relationship and, even though she has yet to get engaged (due to financial reasons), has begun planning her own wedding. She booked her reception for a date just months before our wedding and makes snarky comments about my choosing to have a non-traditional wedding. But the icing on the cake was that she has chosen her bridal party. My fiance is standing up in her wedding; I am being left out.

I have been quiet about her behavior because I don't want to cause conflict with my "new" family. Should I just let it slide or is it time to stand up and say something? My other bridesmaids were so enraged by her behavior, they want me to "uninvited" her from the bridal party but I just don't know what to do.

Thank you for your help,

- Always A Bride, Never A Bridesmaid

Dear Never a Bridesmaid,

Rise above. Rise above. Rise above. It may be true that your future sister-in-law has her claws out, but keep a lid on your anger and take steps towards easing your frustration.

You were right that it is a kind and appropriate gesture to include your future sister-in-law in your wedding party, and it must feel like a slap to be excluded from hers, but at this point, would you really want to be a member of her wedding? She isn't required to reciprocate the gesture of including you as one of her bridesmaids, but her choice will probably be noticed. This is something that may be uncomfortable for her, but not for you.

From here on out, tell your sister-in-law nothing of your wedding plans. When she asks, just tell her you want it to be a surprise or say you haven't decided what you want to do yet. You don't need to keep her in the loop, even if she is a bridesmaid. Keep mum and don't give her any ammunition with which she can snark or complain.

Don't fire her as a bridesmaid. That will only make your future life complicated and uncomfortable and you don't need to anger your future in-laws over this.

Think of it this way: you don't particularly care for your future sister-in-law, so not being in her wedding will save you all kinds of time and money. You've made conciliatory gestures and she's just been sort of weird. It's her prerogative to be weird, and she'll just have to deal with the fall out from her weirdness.

Having your sister-in-law in your wedding party will be like doing community service. It might not be entirely pleasurable, but the pay off is good. Ignore her and your irritation will fade.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:24 AM    <link>

NAVIGATING SHOWERS

Dear Elise,

My wedding is about six months away and my mother, my aunt, and my sister have started asking questions about my shower. I assumed my sister and my other two bridesmaids would plan a bridal shower sometime before the wedding in my hometown, perhaps even the week before the wedding. However, in conversation with my mother yesterday, she was saying that we needed to have two showers: one for my friends and one for my family (that would thus exclude my friends and even my other bridesmaids).

Given that I live in another city, this seems to make things unnecessarily complicated. Then my mother also said that the family shower would include great aunts and second cousins who will not be invited to the wedding. According to all my many etiquette books and sources, this is really bad form, but my mother seems to think it necessary as it is "tradition."

The other issue is that my fiance's family lives even further away from my hometown where the showers would be, and for any of them to attend the showers, they would have to take a long flight. I feel strongly that we should make some effort to include them, but know it is probably not realistic to have them all fly out just for a weekend shower. My mother doesn't seem to think it necessary to go out of our way to make things easier for them, but I feel uncomfortable with any appearance of excluding my future extended family.

How can I observe good etiquette while respecting my mother's strong feelings? Should I rock the boat and insist on one shower for everyone, and try to push for something my fiance's family can attend, or just leave it in the hands of my mom and sister?

- Shower Madness

Dear SM,

It is true that, as a general matter, one should not invite people to one's shower who will not be invited to the wedding. There are a few exceptions to this policy (such as workplace bridal showers).

You are also correct that it would be best to at least try to include your future in-laws in your shower. This could be as simple as being sure they are issued an invitation even if they won't be able to attend.

What your mother is proposing is something like the situation that applies in office wedding showers. The group who would attend the shower in your mother's town would be celebrating your wedding, as a general matter and especially if there is a tradition among her friends where they attend showers for everyone's children even if they won't be invited to the wedding, you (and your mother) are on safer ground. If you are still nervous and sense that the plan is problematic, you could ask your mother to just throw a general party, one that is not called a shower, for you, so you can see everyone without the present pressure.

Generally, it isn't beyond the pale for brides to have two showers, providing that the guest lists do not overlap, so how you want to handle all the different factions is up to you. You could invite your fiance's relatives to the shower in your mother's neck of the woods or to one that you have closer to where you live. If you are very concerned that your fiance's relatives be able to attend one of your showers (and you are concerned that they would feel upset if they were put in a situation where it would be almost impossible for them to attend) you could schedule the shower your mother isn’t organizing for a date right before your wedding when these relatives will be in town. It means having your shower at an unusual time but that would be a reasonable compromise to make. Talk to your fiance, though, before your plans get too wild, and see if you can get a sense of how his family would feel about attending a wedding shower. They may be content with the courtesy of an invitation and would happily send a present while staying at home.

Be flexible about the timing of these events, and encourage your mother to be flexible as well. Remember that you can always ask to have a PARTY, not a shower: all the fun, none of the (social) guilt and it doesn't hurt to invite inclusively, even if people won't be able to travel.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:12 AM    <link>

HOW TO HONOR

Dear Elise,

I am getting married in less than 6 weeks. We're having a small ceremony with our close friends and family, followed by a fairly large reception dinner and dance. My fiance's father passed away about 2 months ago. We considered postponing the wedding, but have decided to go ahead as planned. Understandably, emotions will be running high that day on my fiance's side of the family, particularly because the ceremony is being held at my fiance's parents' home.

My future mother-in-law has requested that there be no mention of her late husband in the speeches, as she doesn't feel that she will be able to handle this emotionally. I would be very sad if our wedding day passed with no mention of my fiance's father. Is there a way that we can honour his memory while still being respectful of my future mother-in-law's wishes?

- Walking on Eggshells
Dear Walking,

I'm very sorry for the loss your in-laws and you have suffered. Of course everyone's feelings are running high and conflicted, so prepare to have to be especially patient and sensitive.

Your question is a case in point. If you feel you can control the toasts, it would be a good thing to respect your future mother-in-law's wish not to have her late husband talked about. She is perhaps concerned that all eyes will be on her at those moments and that she won't be able to "perform" her happy mother-of-the-groom role. Understand that you will have to alert all of the people who will be speaking so that they don't unwittingly begin a tribute.

What would your fiance like to do in his father's honor? Would he and his mother be open to having his father mentioned in the ceremony? Since all eyes will be on your backs, and there is the comfort of the formality of the ceremony, your finace's mother may feel less nakedly emotional and able to handle the moment with the delicacy she desires. Alternatively you could include a written tribute to your fiance's late father in your wedding program, if you're having one.

Really, a conversation is in order. You and your fiance should acknowledge his mother's feelings and needs and then let her know that you do want to have some small tribute to his father, and see if she's open to the ceremony or the program ideas.

Congratulations and my sympathies again,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:26 AM    <link>

THEY'RE NOT HERE

Dear Elise,

I'm lucky enough to be planning my wedding to a wonderful man this fall. Unfortunately, I do this without my parents' blessing and since the announcement of my engagement, I've had to move far away from my hometown and sever all contact with them. They are essentially disowning me, and while I don't speak with them anymore, their recent actions have made their total disdain and even hatred for my fiance quite evident. There's no chance of patching up this one.

Several members of my extended family will still be in attendance, and my uncle has graciously agreed to escort me down the aisle. Obviously this is something I can mention in the program for the ceremony, so people will be aware that he's not my father. But while my fiance, his immediate family and friends, and my family and friends are aware of the situation, many of the invitees are not. Frankly, I'm afraid of the questions I will field on my wedding day. While most gracious people wouldn't think to ask, I'm sure that someone will, and I'll be stuck explaining why my parents are judgmental freaks.

While I know the proper thing to do is give a short, gracious answer and drift away, I don't think I'll be able to contain myself properly. It is, after all, an emotional day. If possible, I'd like to get all explanations done beforehand. I don't know how to do this without sounding whiny and self-centered.

My fiance has offered to call some of them and explain, but that bothers me too. Should I just keep it to "my parents were unable to attend" and leave it at that?

- Little Lost Girl

Dear LLG,

Your concerns are reasonable, of course. No one wants to have to stare down a deep unhappiness on what is otherwise a joyful occasion.

Having said that, you don't really owe anyone a long or detailed explanation about your parents' absence from your wedding. In truth, you probably won't have time to give elaborate answers at your wedding anyway, but you are right that it is good to be prepared with some stock replies.

Try to rearrange your thoughts about your parents a little bit. Imagine they are ill in some way. This shouldn't be impossible since they are, after a fashion. Their limitations prohibit them from being good to you or attending your weeding. So if someone asks where they are you can honestly say that your mother and father weren't able to come but that you're so happy that your uncle and other relatives could be there to see you get married.

All you have to do, no matter how gritty you feel about your parents' absence, is focus on the positive. Given their behavior and attitude, you wouldn't want them around anyway. There is no need to dignify their lousiness, so don't bother calling up people to explain that they won't be around. The last thing you'll want is to be treated with the kid gloves of pity on your wedding day. Don't let their absence create any more of at issue for you by calling more attention to it than necessary. If someone asks, you can answer but there's no point in volunteering anything.

Have a wonderful wedding and let your other relatives come away with a happy story to tell your parents and, if there's any justice, the good news will make them squirm a bit.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:49 AM    <link>

EARLY OPENING

Dear Elise,

I am getting married in seven weeks and gifts have started to arrive at my home. Our wedding is going to take place in a different state, so people have been sending gifts to our home so we do not have to transport them home after the wedding.

My future mother-in-law to be has been "scolding" us for opening the gifts when we receive them rather than waiting until after the wedding. Is it customary to wait until after the big day to open wedding gifts? I'm pretty happy about being able to get the thank you notes out so I have one less thing to do after the wedding.

- Confused

Dear Confused,

In fact, your future mother-in-law is mistaken. You should open those presents when they come in and write thank you notes as soon as you possibly can. Waiting to open the presents until you marry will only make all of the gift-givers wonder whether or not you got the presents and if so, why you haven't acknowledged them.

I promise that no one is participating in some sort of delusion that the presents don't really exist in tangible form before your wedding and holding off on opening them could actually inconvenience you. If something arrives damaged, you should deal with it as soon as possible. Waiting will only complicate matters.

So tell your fiance's mother that you understand her concerns but that you know you need to open the presents so you can write to all of the gift-givers. If she is superstitious, tell her you won't use any of the presents until after your wedding.

Try not to let this become a big issue, but when you talk but let your future mother-in-law know that you will continue to open the boxes and write the thank you notes for practical and polite reasons.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:30 AM    <link>

MOM WANTS SECRECY

Hi Elise,

I am getting married at the end of the year and while we obviously still have a lot of planning to do, the "big-ticket" items, such as the general theme, type of reception, color, etc, are already decided.

My mother and sister are of the opinion that everything short of the date should be kept a secret from anyone other than my very immediate family and my bridesmaids (this includes not telling future in-laws). As far as they are concerned, it is not the done thing to tell anyone else anything other than: date, and nearer the actual event, time and dress code.

I am a lot more open about it and am happy to tell people (who ask- I'm not a bore!) things such as what color the bridesmaids will be wearing, and the type of meal we are likely to have. I actually find it slightly repellent when my mother tells me she has responded to these type of questions with a blatant fob-off. What she tells people is her business, but now she is getting mad at me for me telling other people information about my wedding, even when it's my own friends who ask. Why this mania for secrecy?!

- It's Not Like We're Eloping!

Dear Not Eloping,

This is a fascinating question, and I wonder if your mother isn't trying to protect you from possible "copycat" situations, afraid people will fall in love with your ideas and use them in their own weddings. This is unlikely, of course, but it has been known to happen.

I can't read your mother's mind, though, and she may have other reasons entirely for thinking you need to maintain complete secrecy. I can, however, tell you that this is information you are welcome to share with anyone you like. These aren't state secrets and treating the color of one's bridesmaid's dresses as if someone's life is in the balance is a little odd.

Your attitude is perfectly appropriate: let your mother be as secretive as she wants, even if it is to the point of eccentricity, while you maintain a pleasant openness. This is your wedding and you are allowed to talk about it if you want, even to your future in-laws.

If she tries to correct you, reassure her that you know you aren't doing anything rude or crass by honestly answering your friends' questions and you can add that you don't want to alienate your fiance's family by being coy or needlessly reticent. You can add that you are aware that people who natter on endlessly about tablecloth colors tend to strain the patience of friends who are not particularly invested in the details of the proceedings, and that you have no interest in doing that.

Your mother (and sister) may be set in their notion of weddings needing to be a surprise to all, but this is really not the case. Ideally, you would plan your wedding, share what details you are comfortable talking about and not make a complicated strange issue of it all. Regardless of how much people know, the finished event will surely be a revelation to all guests who will be thrilled to see it all come together in the end.

I’m sorry you're faced with this weirdness; it surely isn't what you need to think about, but you aren't in the wrong for wanting to be relaxed and polite.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:50 AM    <link>

RELATIVE INVITATIONS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are getting married in a destination wedding in the Fall. We did not want a formal affair and feel very constrained by the demands of our parents. Eloping was our first option, but we wanted to compromise by inviting close friends and family. We are expecting 35 people, many of whom are very excited at traveling for our big day. My parents are particularly upset that I have not invited all of their siblings (4 on each side) (we haven’t invited all of my fiances family either). My father is continuing to make big issues out of this even though I have discussed the reasons why I have chosen to have a small and remote wedding, the biggest one being trying to avoid stress.

My parents' siblings have already stated that they will not be attending but according to my father I need to invite them anyway. I would prefer to have a conversation with the aunts and uncles that I am not close to that we will be having a small intimate wedding and are having a large engagement party to invite all those who we did not want to invite to our wedding, which they have been invited to.

How do I deal with this apart from going over the same information that I have? We are both very stubborn and I can see that this will keep coming up until our wedding day. Can you offer some assistance?

- Very Frustrated

Dear VF,

The problem with your plan is that it does create an issue for your parents, even if it doesn't reflect your intentions or emotions.

With wedding invitations it is especially important to be sensitive to the feelings of the members of various factions. As a result, one really needs to adopt an "everyone or no one" approach to families. It creates a lot of discomfort if you only invite one or two of your father's siblings because, even if you aren't close to the excluded ones, your father will be stuck with having to explain to them that they didn't merit an invitation. The same thing goes for your mother's side. It is reasonable to exclude entire groups (and not invite any aunts or uncles, or cousins, etc.) but it is hard to invite some and not others without creating discord.

I suspect that continued discussions with your father (and mother) will not persuade them to agree with you. They will still wonder about how to smooth their siblings' ruffled feelings, with good reason. What you are planning to do is a bit off putting.

In this case, your parents are right: you should invite all or none of them. Given the fact that even the relatives to whom you are close will probably not attend your wedding, could you see your way to inviting your excluded aunts and uncles with the knowledge that it is unlikely they will want to travel? Alternatively, would you be willing to forgo inviting any of your aunts and uncles?

Guest lists are difficult because one is always torn between inviting only those one wants to see and those one is obliged to invite, but it is very rare that one is able to construct a guest list of only people one adores and one of the sacrifices one makes in not eloping is that sometimes there are guests with whom one would barely recognize at the supermarket, yet to whom one is related.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:37 AM    <link>

SHE'S TAKEN OVER!

Dear Elise,

I am 21 years old and recently got engaged. We have been living together for a year, and our parents live in different states. Since he is very religious and I am not, we decided to have the wedding at his church where his family lives. This decision has encouraged his mother to take over the wedding.

She has a "Wedding File" where she is keeping track of everything, and when I asked her if I could hold on to it, she made me make separate copies but would not let me take it for myself. I am not traditional, so every time I mention I want to do something different or that I am uncomfortable with a certain tradition, she says, "Why wouldn't you want that? That's silly. Of course you do! We're doing it!"

Last time we visited, she said: "I wish your mother was here so she and I could plan this wedding out." This comment made me feel like to her, this is a parent's project for two children, as opposed to an event where two adults are getting married. I want my wedding back! I know she is only doing this because she is excited and I do not want to hurt her feelings.

Do you have any advice for a tactful way to remind her that this is my wedding and I would perhaps like it to be a project between my fiance and myself? I want to find a nice way to tell her that I do not want her working on anything for the wedding unless we specifically ask her to.

- Left Out of My Own Wedding

Dear Left Out,

It certainly sounds as if you've been shut out of your own wedding planning. One wonders if your fiance's mother could have found a job in the event planning industry, given her enthusiasms.

I am unsure, from your description of the timeline if it is late in the game or not. If it is and you abdicated so much control early on, it will be almost impossible to wrest your wedding from her hands without making her extremely upset and creating a lot of trouble for yourself. If matters are still in flux you have a greater chance of reclaiming your wedding. In neither case do you have to roll over and just accept everything she pitches your way.

If you're early in the game, talk to your fiance about the landscape of your wedding and choose a few major elements that you don't mind his mother planning. Then tell your future mother-in-law (or have your fiance tell her) that you are thrilled that she is so excited and happy that she wants to help but that you don't want her to have to plan and deal with everything. Then you can break the planning down and gently ask if she would like to take over the larger elements that you don't mind relinquishing. A conversation like that should go a long way towards letting you maintain some control.

On the other side of things, if she has already run off with your wedding and planned a considerable amount, you will have to reverse your strategy. Pick a few things that you really want to handle by yourself. Then you and your fiance should explain to your future mother-in-law that you want to do some things all by yourself and firmly tell her what they are. This way you can get back what for you will be the most important parts of your wedding.

They key will be for you not to make her feel defensive or ashamed of her exuberance (no matter how pushy it is) and do not let this turn into an all or nothing situation. At this point you almost certainly will have to surrender a chunk of control, but if you firmly assert yourself in other areas, you'll be in good shape for your wedding and your future dealings with your fiance's mother.

The bright side, to the extent there is one for you, is that if you can direct her a little bit, you will have a lot less work to do.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:19 PM    <link>

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