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Thursday, July 31, 2008

PRESERVING THE FIRST DANCE

Dear Elise,

My future husband and I will have dance lessons so we can have a real first dance routine as husband and wife. This won't be anything flashy or tacky, we would just like to be able to do more than just hold onto one another and go round in circles!

My fiance and I recently attended a wedding reception, and when the first dance was announced, the bride and groom took to the floor and began to dance, and after about a minute people began join them on the dance floor (these people were not relatives of the bride and groom, nor were they members of the wedding party). The bride was a little put out as she had expected to dance alone with her groom to their song. They hadn't said anything in advance, and instead just assumed people would not get up until they were invited to do so.

I would also like for us to dance alone to our first song, especially considering we are making up a routine for it.

Is it normal for people to take to the dance floor uninvited? Is there a particular etiquette for this situation? And is there a nice way to ask people to allow us our first dance alone and only join us at the start of the second song?

Yours,

Dancing Dilemma

Dear DD,

Traditionally speaking, the first dance really does belong only to the bride and groom, so be reassured that many people will be expecting to sit back and watch your choreography.

As a matter of interest, here is one very traditional pattern for reception dancing (it may be a little bit surprising):

First Dance: Bride and Groom dance alone
Second Dance: Father of the Groom dances with the Bride, then the Father of the Bride cuts in and dances with his daughter. While this is happening, the Groom dances with the Mother of the Bride and then with his own mother.
Third Dance: The bride's father dances with the Groom's mother while the bride's mother and the groom's father dance and the bride and groom dance with the best man and maid of honor respectively and the wedding party dances and the rest of the assembled guests join in.

It is, however, also in keeping with tradition to only have the first dance between the bride and groom and then open up the dance floor to everyone.

Now, if you're concerned about preserving your first dance and want to make sure there's no mistake about it, you could have someone (an emcee, maid of honor, best man, your band leader or DJ) introduce the first dance as the first dance for the newlyweds. That should put matters to rest.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:44 PM    <link>

PRE-WEDDING BOWLING

Hi Elise!

My fiance and I decided to forgo the traditional bachelor/ette party and are choosing to do something different. We are having a family bowling party with a live DJ. Originally, we planned to have the party the night before the wedding, but the best time available to accommodate 70 bowlers is three hours before the wedding itself. The place is literally down the street from our wedding/reception site. The wedding/reception begins at 6pm, so it fits well into the schedule. My father has expressed some distaste for the timing of the party, which got me wondering if others would not like going bowling before the wedding either. If it's any consolation, our dress code for the wedding is "country club/business casual." Do you think we've stepped out of line with our timing?

- Bowling Bride

Dear BB,

The question is not so much about being rude in scheduling an event just before your wedding as it is potentially creating an overwhelming wedding day. It may just be pushing things too much on the afternoon of your wedding to have a big bowling party three hours before the nuptials.

You don't mention whether or not there is a substantial overlap between your bowling event's guest list and your wedding guest list, but if you are only excluding a handful of guests from the bowling party, those few people could feel left out and uncomfortable if they arrive at your wedding and see that almost everyone else has had a fabulous afternoon bowling together. Still, you know your circumstances best.

If you think you can handle a really cramped schedule, and if you feel that some of your guests aren't in a position to feel left out, you aren't on thin ice with this plan. Your father's objections may really be to the fact that the day is going to be cramped. You'll find some people thrilled with this and other folks who are less excited, but really it is up to you. This is a bold undertaking, but you are to be applauded for your energy and lack of nerves.

See how it feels if you really think about the practical considerations and then make your decision.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:34 AM    <link>

FEAR OF THE FLOWER GIRL

Dear Elise,

I'm now handling with my guest list and it's been very very stressful because of my extended family. My fiance and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, at the same time that we're dealing with all the costs of our new home.

We booked a small venue and decided to invite only our families and closest friends. I have a big family and, even reducing my guest list to invite only 10 of my closest friends I still can't invite my extended family. I have twelve cousins, and we ended up deciding to invite them and their partners, but not their children. How can I make that clear to my family without being rude? Do I have to explain the situation directly to them?

I also have to deal with the fact that one of my cousins' daughters asked if she could be our flower girl. My fiance innocently told her she could be in the ceremony. He didn't realize the mess he got us into until I remembered him that we're not inviting my cousins' children, and that he has a niece at the same age, who was not invited to be our flower girl either. Now the mess is done and I don't know how I can get out of it.

I feel devastated to hurt a little girl's feelings, but I'm afraid that if I make this exception, I will start World War III in both of our families!

Since we have never really invited the girl to be a part of I was thinking about calling the girl's mom (my cousin) to explain the whole situation and apologize by sending the girl a gift (a doll or maybe a little piece of jewelry) along with a letter saying we would've been honored to have her as our flower girl, but unfortunately, we're not able to fulfill her request and that she'll always be our flower girl in our hearts. But I fell very afraid that both the girl and the mother will hate me forever anyway! What do you think?

Thank you for your help!

Bride to be Hated

Dear Bride to Be Hated,

This is indeed a tricky spot, but I don't think there is anything anyone should "hate" you over. There are a couple of routes you can take to deal with the flower girl problem, but you must really consider the people involved.

As to your first question about not being able to invite certain, I think it is a difficult decision to make, but you are right that it may be hard for them to understand that their children won't be invited. You should speak to them and explain that you just can't invite them all and you couldn't make the obvious gesture of picking favorites. Tell them you're sorry and that you care about their children, of course, and wouldn't exclude them under different circumstances. (You may want to make an additional gesture for the kids. Sometimes people arrange to send parents home with a slice of wedding cake for uninvited children.) You should, if possible, make these calls to your cousins yourself. It always looks better not to delegate this sort of responsibility. Your cousins will be happy that you took the task of talking to them yourself.

Now, as for your flower girl, ask yourself how damage can be most easily contained.

Would your flock of cousins accept a perfectly reasonable exception to the "no kids" policy? If so, you can explain that the only child you can invite is your flower girl because she is in the wedding party. This is a traditional way of limiting the number of children at a wedding, so it isn't shocking, but it may or may not work for you, because you have another child you feel guilty about not including in the flower girl line up.

It is also reasonable for you to tell your cousin that you didn't realize when you encouraged the whole flower girl idea that you were going to have to scale back your guest list and that for the sake of family harmony, you have reluctantly decided that you can't have any children in the wedding party at all. You can send along a present, but more important than that is to make sure that your cousin and her daughter know how much you love them and how your decision is not a rejection of them, rather it is a hard choice you've had to make to preserve everyone's feelings.

This is very hard. You have to do something and there is no clear path to take that will let you avoid hurting all feelings. What you can do is be sensitive and gentle, apologetic but firm in keeping your goal of the common good in mind. If you do end up having to retract your invitation, it would be nice to do something special for your cousin's daughter. Your idea of a present and a letter is very thoughtful. Another gesture you could make, if she is truly wedding-obsessed (some children really are), you could make up a small bouquet for her parents to take home from your nuptials to give her, so she won't feel so entirely flower free.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:57 AM    <link>

CASH PREFERRED

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are both Israeli, but I grew up almost entirely in the US. He is a relatively new immigrant, still very much entrenched in his home culture. There are many differences between Israeli and American weddings, and I'm comfortable accommodating just about every one of those differences and having an Israeli-style wedding here in the States.

Where I'm having a bit of trouble is with gifts. In Israel, wedding guests simply stuff an envelope with cash and give it to the happy couple. There is no registry, and no one feels the need to come with material gifts to help the newly married couple build a new home together. The assumption is that what the couple really needs is money. In our case, this is entirely true: we would prefer that guests who would like to bring gifts bring money instead. The problem is that the vast majority of our guests will be American, and I'm not sure how to gently let people know that we prefer cash gifts. I worry that it's "tacky" to come out and ask for money, but I also worry that our well-intentioned guests will waste their money on gifts we don't really need or want. Is there a polite way to navigate this issue? Any help or creative solutions will be very welcome!

Thank you,

Tacky Bride

Dear Tacky Bride,

You haven't done anything tacky. Merely thinking that you would really prefer to have money does not make you tacky, so now you just have to figure out how to deal with your preferences.

There are many cultures that give cash gifts at weddings, and there are some that don't. Those that do can't imagine why one would give anything but money while others find the idea of cash gifts impersonal. It is very hard to get people to break from their present-giving traditions, so know this: no matter what you do, people will give what they want to give.

You can try to influence your guests, of course, the same way a registry does, but you need to be very careful in your approach. Do not write down that you want money on an invitation or mass email. This is something that you should encourage to travel by word-of-mouth. You can ask your families to relay your preferences for money if guests ask where you are registered and if quizzed yourselves you can certainly let your friends know. If this seems too uncomfortable, and you feel nervous about not registering, you can also set up a small, carefully curated registry. Keep in mind that you don't have to register for the predictable wedding items. You can sign up for SCUBA equipment or plants to landscape your yard, or books for your library, or anything that suits your interests.

There is really no other way to make your wishes known and there is certainly no way to ensure that people will not give you presents, but keep in mind that unless you are dealing exclusively with a culture (such as the one you describe in Israel) that has a specific gift-giving tradition that everyone follows, you will see a lot of variation in presents no matter what you do.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:10 AM    <link>

LETTING PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT TINY WEDDING

Hi,

We are holding a small wedding of about 16 close friends and 8 family members, we have so many other close friends and would like to politely announce the wedding but inform them some how that they are not invited. Is there correct etiquette to this procedure?

Thank you

- Announcing?

Dear Announcing,

What you are imagining is a wedding announcement. This is a very traditional piece of wedding stationery that gets sent out immediately AFTER the wedding and spreads the news of the wedding.

The standard wedding announcement format looks like this:

Wedding Hosts' Names
have the honor of
announcing the marriage of their daughter
Bride's Name
to
Groom's Name
Date
Year
Place

Of course you can change the language to suit your needs and taste. You will notice, however, that the format for the announcement is very similar to that of an actual wedding invitation. Sending an announcement before the wedding will only confuse people and create the impression that they are invited to something, not just receiving the news that it happened. (This is the exact opposite of the effect you want.)

So, you can verbally tell people that you're getting married in an intimate ceremony, but don't announce or mail anything until after the fact. Save yourself the hassle and break the news after you're hitched.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:16 AM    <link>

I DON'T THINK I WANT A SHOWER AFTER ALL

Dear Elise,

My best friend and I have been close for over a decade. I love her but she has a series of unresolved emotional problems that, when we're alone and talking, she can talk about with me freely. However, when we're in social or group settings, her problems manifest themselves very inappropriately and often she'll talk about her sexual conquests in graphic detail, or the different ways in which her parents abused her. She'll discuss these things with anyone, including people she doesn't know well. At this point I no longer invite her out with me to meet my friends because things feel so uncomfortable.

She has offered to throw me my shower in the Fall. When she first offered, I got overly excited and accepted immediately. Unfortunately, she has gotten more and more neurotic about the shower. She doesn't know what kind of shower to throw; I've responded by suggesting that it not even be a typical "shower" with gifts, maybe just a nice afternoon tea with friends. She doesn't know what food to serve; I've offered to help look for inexpensive caterers. It's not the questions that bother me so much, anyone throwing a shower would have the same questions, it's the fact that she gets so worked up and negative and frantic about these decisions she has to make that it makes me feel self-conscious.

At this point, I feel like relieving her of this duty but I know it gives her a sense of purpose to throw the shower. However, given her temperament and behavior in social settings as well as her inability to make decisions, it might be best to call it off. Is there any delicate way I can rescind my acceptance without alienating her? The more I think about the party, the more nervous I get. I'd rather not have a shower at all than one that puts both of us in unfortunate positions.

- BFF in a Bind

Dear BFF,

Do you want to have a bridal shower? That is the central question to ask yourself in all of this.

If you indeed want a shower, then you don't have to cancel the party and deal with all of the repercussions calling it off may bring on, given your high-strung friend's tendencies. If you decide to proceed, you will probably have to take charge of the event and pick exactly what you want in each case so your friend won't have to feel nervous or indecisive. This won't be one of those showers where all the bride has to do is show up and celebrate. It will mean a fair amount of work on your part. That said, it could be fun and rewarding, if you are interested and up for it.

Canceling the shower hosted by your friend is another story. If you want to do this, speak to your friend soon. Don't tell her that you want to pull the plug because of your lack of faith in her. Instead you can say that you don't want to have a party where people have to bring presents for you and the whole business is making you anxious. Then suggest an alternative plan you can do with her. The two of you could have some sort of spa afternoon or a luxurious dinner together. You could go to the theater or do something else that feels indulgent or adventurous (or both). This way you get to enjoy her company the way that pleases you most and you can take away the source of her and your angst.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:56 AM    <link>

ARE THOSE THE RULES?

Dear Elise,

I recently attended a relative's wedding. We have always been very close.

Everyone was very excited about the wedding. The bride was going to arrive at the church in high style and everyone wanted to see the "show." The mother of the bride also asked me if I could help set up for the wedding and I said I would. When I got to the reception site for the outdoor wedding, it was so windy I couldn't do the set-up immediately and what with one thing or another I wound up not really knowing what was going on.

When I got to the church, I didn't see anyone until about ten minutes before the wedding when I happened to peek outside and see my whole family gathered to wait for the bride's arrival. I wandered over to where the bride and her wedding party was getting out of the car and got scolded by the bride's father that no one is supposed to see the bride before she gets into the church and that unless you are sitting in the pews for 15 minutes before the ceremony you are exhibiting bad manners.

I was stunned, hurt and disappointed by this. I am wondering:

1. Why would the parents of the bride make a big deal about how the bride was arriving if no one was supposed to see her?

2. Are there rules about sitting in the church for 15 minutes before a wedding ceremony or not being allowed to see the bride before she enters a church?

3. Is it appropriate to discuss my feelings so that my family knows they made me feel bad?

Angry Relative

Dear AR

The short answer is that the father of the bride is way off base. He is making up rules as he goes along, or misinterpreting them. Really, if he wanted to invent strange nuptial codes of behavior for this wedding, he was well within his rights to create the rules and mail out a list of protocols for everyone to have handy, but he is not right. For your part, you are perhaps overreacting a bit to his strange bluster and taking some hysterical ravings too much to heart.

If the bride wanted to make a grand entrance, she was entitled to do so, but she had to know that she risked being seen by many. There is a famous superstition that the groom is not supposed to see the wedding dress before the wedding, but that is a superstition, not a policy of etiquette. Really, if she didn't want to be seen, she should have arrived under a veil of secrecy and gotten dressed at the church. Otherwise, she was wandering around outdoors in, I presume, a wedding dress, for all to see.

There are no 15-minute rules requiring pre-wedding church sitting. Guests, of course, should arrive on time for weddings and have enough time to take a seat and settle but it isn't rude to arrive five or ten minutes before the event. Again, if this is how your relative conducts his life, he is entitled to arrive a quarter of an hour early for everything.

Finally, you can discuss your feelings but what would be the point? You have a relative who crazily decided to write his own rules of etiquette and assumed other people would know about his private imaginings. If people were harsh and odd to you, it is too bad, but your relative truly is confused. What's more, there is almost no chance of getting him to admit that he doesn't know what he's talking about and apologize to you so there is no way you will find this confrontation satisfying. Let the matter go, and if your relatives have any other weddings coming up, don't volunteer to help, just be happy that you don't come from a family where someone is constantly inventing rules of comportment while violating one central policy of standard etiquette: one should not, under most circumstances, tell people about their lapses in manners. One should work around them so that everyone is comfortable. Your relative struck out. But don't tell him about it. Just smile sweetly to yourself.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:05 PM    <link>

THE BRIDE WON'T BE THERE

Dear Elise,

My daughter lives in another state and most of her relatives and friends live here. Is it okay to have her shower here and have her appear via webcam or phone? She can not afford to travel back up.

Thank you,

Out of State Mom

Dear Out of State Mom,

The absentee shower is a weird phenomenon, and interest in it appears to be rising, no doubt because of the expense of traveling and the fact that people are scattered far away from their families.

Traditionally, this sort of shower isn't the best idea, even if it is thrown by friend of the bride (instead of the bride's mother, which was discouraged because having immediate family members throw a bridal shower creates the appearance that they are schilling for presents for the bride).

There can be some flexibility though, and if it is really important to have this hometown shower, you could have the bride appear remotely. Keep in mind that it is very important to make sure that everyone who is invited to this shower is also invited to the wedding. This is a general rule for showers but neglecting it in this case would be a really glaring oversight. Again, it would create the appearance that the guests are only being invited to give a present to a bride who won't even be at an event and who aren't worth of an actual wedding invitation.

But as long as all the shower guests will also be on the wedding guest lists and your daughter is prepared to write all of her thank you notes and spend some time visiting the party either online or on the phone, you should be in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:28 AM    <link>

SISTER'S RELATIONSHIPS & THE WEDDING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I met 8 years ago when my sister and her boyfriend at the time set us up. Her then-boyfriend is my fiance’s best friend since childhood. My sister and her boyfriend dated for 2 years and then had a very nasty break up over 5 years ago. She feels that her ex emotionally abused her and has never forgiven him, nor does she wish to speak to him or see him again. This put a major strain on my relationship with my sister, and we even went to counseling together (because she was so upset that I continued to see her ex at various functions through my fiance’s association with him).

My sister is now married to another person. My fiance and I are very sensitive towards the situation and we have planned our wedding accordingly. (We aren’t having a wedding party, we’re doing an afternoon function as opposed to a weekend getaway, which we originally wanted, and we’re asking my sister’s ex not to give a speech.) I’ve asked my sister how she feels about her ex being there, and she says she isn’t looking forward to the day at all, and will feel very awkward but will try her best to be as happy for us as she can. Is this the best we can do in accommodating the situation and how can I minimize the awkwardness? How should my fiance handle the bachelor party invites? He is friends with my sister's husband as well, but to have both him and my sister's ex there seems unspeakably awkward. (P.S. The ex’s parents and siblings are invited to the wedding because my fiance considers them like a second family).

Sincerely,

Twisted Triangle.

Dear Twisted,

You have taken a lot of care of your sister over this issue and it is probably time for her to stop dictating the terms of your wedding based on a relationship that ended years ago. All of your gestures have been noble and worthwhile: family counseling, foregoing toasts and a wedding party, etc., and now it is time to relax a little bit, if not entirely.

There is nothing wrong with your fiance inviting both your sister's ex-boyfriend and your sister's husband to his bachelor party. In the first place, the invitation itself is a gesture of good will. It is not a subpoena. Bachelor party attendance is not mandatory. So if your sister and her husband decide it would be better for him not to attend, that is their choice to make. Of course, the prospect of these two men being at the same event is less complicated if there is a more substantial crowd so that they can mingle with other people and not find themselves stuck in each others' company. If your fiance is inviting a small crowd, he could reassure both of his friends that their presence around each other will be diluted.

If your sister reacts poorly to this invitation, tell her that her husband is free not to attend the party and that your fiance didn't want anyone to think he was not welcome. She has obviously moved on with her life and while this former boyfriend is a problem for her, she can choose to avoid him and his family and celebrate your wedding with you and your friends and family. It may take some dodging but she is far from the only person who has had to attend the same event with a toxic ex and one of the things adults learn to do is to be civilized around people we may not care for.

Your finace is in fine shape as long as he alerts both men about the possible discomfort and lets them know that he will understand if they decide they can't attend.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:31 AM    <link>

ESTRANGED FATHER, RELIGIOUS CONFLICT, & CASH

Dear Elise,

I must be insane! I'm considering trying to invite my absent, Baptist father to my Pagan wedding! To be brutally honest with myself, I really want the traditional gesture of the father of the bride showing his blessing by writing the happy couple a big check!

My fiance and I are tying to buy a house in the midst of planning a wedding. We have given ourselves plenty time to plan and we expect to be frugal, however I know we'll need plenty of outside help.
 So despite the fact that I haven't spoken to my father in 12 years I'm thinking of reaching out to him during this engagement period to see if he could actually play a role in my future life. The silence between us is as much the result of his lack of reaching out as is mine, but I do feel like he owes me a little something after all these years.

For my whole life I've seen a huge difference between how my father lived and how I did. He was affluent and my mother and I were on welfare. My father remarried and he and his new wife had two children on whom they spend all kinds of money. The fact is I haven't seen my father since I was 13 and I haven’t spoken to him since I was 24, I'm now 36!

A big part of me wishes for his blessing. I want to heal this familial rift, but I fear my father and half-siblings will not accept who I really am. For example, I want a pagan ceremony and the last I heard he (and his whole family) were heavily Christian and they have no idea that I'm not. I do have mixed feelings and I know I can't contact the man out of the blue after 12 years and say "Hi dad will help me pay for my wedding? (Since I’m sure you probably paid for much of your other daughter's college and/or wedding and probably put your son through college too etc.). Oh, by the way I’m a pagan. I'd like to be your friend and finally get to know you and my siblings if you all don't try to preach at me!"

When am I supposed to reach out for this man if not now? He is the father of the bride for after all! Should I try to contact him? Or should I let the man and his other children go on about their lives no worse for my existence? And of course if I do establish contact with him could it ever be appropriate for me to actually ask for money? There's a good chance he may have it and I could sure use the help.

-Dadless and Short on Dough!

Dear Dadless,

I'm sorry the situation with your father is full of such complicated issues. You really have them all: parental love, money, religion, and placing all of them in the context of your wedding is certainly overwhelming. It will be exceedingly difficult for you to think about this situation with any neutral distance, so don't be too harsh on yourself for feeling conflicted.

In your imaginary "Hi Dad" greeting you put your desire for money first on your list, before your discussion of religion, before you say you want a relationship with your father and his family. This is not an order that spells success for your dealings with a man you don't really know. What if you discover that he is something of a monster? Would you still want his money? On the other side of things, if he came to you after more than a decade's worth of estrangement asking for money and telling you that he wanted to hear nothing of your pagan interests and beliefs, wouldn't you be less than thrilled?

This is not to say that you can't or shouldn't get in touch. You can and if you want to, you should. What will help you, though, is to restructure your desires as best you can. You've lived without your father's money for most of your life and you can live without it for your wedding. If you want your father at the wedding in hopes of reconnecting with him and your half siblings, you should absolutely call or write and say that you're getting married and were hoping to invite them and see where that relationship gambit takes you all.

At the moment, it does sound as if you want to force all kinds of issues. You want your father to contribute to the wedding budget. You want him to accept your beliefs while you are inclined to reject his. (Though there is nothing wrong with that inclination, it's unlikely to win him to your side.) In short, you want him to be a father who will support you unconditionally even though he has proved himself to be incapable of managing that sort of relationship (with you, certainly, but possibly with his children as well- - you have no idea what is going on there.)

So, if you want to open this door, go ahead, but keep your expectations on the low side, especially when it comes to money. Don't ask for any and don't be too confrontational. See if he'll be a guest and let your relationship continue from there. Remember, all of these things you want from him are the things you would want from a good father. That is not what he is. Not to you, at least. His money, if you forgive me for extending the metaphor, may cost more than you want to shell out.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:32 PM    <link>

SONG SUGGESTONS ARE IN!

On July 7th, I set out a plea on these pages for people to suggest good indie rock songs for mother/son dances and some results are in:

"No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses

"To The End" by Blur.

"In the Aeroplane over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel

"My Darling" by Wilco

Bands to investigate: Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie, Ryan Adams, The Flaming Lips, Iron & Wine, Belle & Sebastian, Decemberist, Of Montreal

And, since one is never alone in one's questions, Ask Metafilter covered the question of Indie Rock Love Songs quite extensively.

Many thanks to everyone who wrote in with suggestions and if more occur to you, feel free to send them in.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:43 AM    <link>

THE TROUBLES OF EX'S

Hello Elise,

I am engaged to be married next spring. My fiance has had 3 previous girlfriends and has remained close friends with each of them. (#1 will be his Best (Wo)Man.) I think it is terrific that he has remained friends with all if them.

Ex-girlfriend #3 recently got married, and my fiance and his mother attended the wedding (his mom actually made the cake!) Things are pretty good, although I have heard some weird and mildly disturbing things about ex-girlfriend #3's husband from her mother. I am concerned that she is in something that she may soon regret.

Ex #2 is getting married in August. The entire time that she has been planning the wedding, she has said that she wants my fiance to stand as her Man of Honor. We received the wedding invitation a few weeks back and promptly replied. A few days ago my fiance gets a text message from the bride asking us not to attend the wedding, presumably because it will upset the groom. The groom realized that if my fiance and his fiancee had dated, which meant they had probably slept together and this made him extremely jealous. He demanded that Ex #2 stop hanging out with my fiance, which she ignored, but she told me that she tells her fiance she's seeing other people when she's really hanging out with my fiance.

I am concerned about both of these women. Should I appeal to them to be careful? I feel terrible sitting by when they could be setting themselves up for heartbreak or worse!

As for Ex #2, are we obligated to send a wedding gift? I am angry that we were uninvited because of some petty jealously. On one had, maybe we should send a card, but uninviting us (via text message) makes me not want to acknowledge it at all. I'm sure my fiance will insist we do something!

What's your take on this mess?

Sign me,

Rubbed Wrong and Worried

Dear RW&W

Things are certainly complicated with this crowd. The big trick to being able to maintain happy friendships with these folks is to keep in mind that their choices are not yours, and you don't have to live with them.

So, both of these woman are with men who you feel are beneath them. Unless things are actively getting dangerous to the point where you believe one or both of these women are being abused, you should not perform an intervention. Doing so would risk your friendships and it is possible that one of these women will need your support later. Anyone who has been part of an intervention knows that inserting oneself in the intimate workings of someone else's life can create a rift in the relationship. Tamper at your risk. As long as this is not a question of abuse, it is better to stand as a loyal friend.

If one or both of them actually solicits your advise and opinions, you could gently say that you have been concerned, but without that invitation, your words will probably only serve to create a bigger gulf between you.

Now, do you have to give a present to the couple who disinvited you? (And indeed you are right that it is bad form to disinvite people with text messages or email.) You are never required to give a wedding present, so the shortest answer is "no." But you should, again, think about the future of your relationship with this woman, and your fiance's feelings. You could give something small but highly functional (a cookbook, a kitchen gadget), or if you're completely opposed to a present, write a card with a note that wishes them well. You don't have to be hypocritical or insincere. Just tell them that you hope their future is bright. Since your fiance is closer to them, take your cues from him and make counterproposals. Ultimately, you and he should both feel relatively comfortable with whatever you decide to do.

Be glad these problems are only yours to hear about.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:12 AM    <link>

DO I TALK TO THEM?

Dear Elise,

Last week I became engaged after living with my boyfriend for four years (we have dated for five). None of our parents has mentioned anything about contributing to the wedding coffers, except for suggesting that the six of us take a trip and have a destination wedding.

We are both only children. His parents haven't had a problem with us living "in sin" and they like me. My parents have never been happy about us living together, and while my dad is happy we're getting married, my mom is not excited (but I'm not sure why).

In order to start planning our wedding, we need an idea of budget. We truly don't expect anything from our parents, but it would make things monumentally easier to know right off the bat what we have to work with. My parents are the type that might not tell me they'd like to help until we're months into planning.

Is there a tactful way that we can ask our parents if they are planning to contribute without making it sound like we feel entitled? Or is that just too rude? Should we just go on about our planning and if they bring it up, great?

Thanks,

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

The first step to take is a private one: come to terms with what you will do and how you will feel if neither set of parents offers any money towards your wedding budget. It is very easy to feel that there is a connection between parental love and the cash they offer (or fail to offer) for a wedding and you can cut short that kind of unhelpful thinking by forming an appealing plan for a wedding that requires no support. This way, you don't have to worry about being disappointed.

Now, this is not to say that the parents won't want to help out. The best way to approach them is to come up with a list of wedding elements on which you would appreciate their input. Then you can simply ask your parents if they want to help out on one of these things. Reassure them that you are in great shape without their help but that you wanted to include them.

If the prospect of that conversation is too uncomfortable, then start planning on your own and assume you won't have financial support. Then, if it arrives, it will be a happy surprise. It is always tricky, but if you can be relaxed about "needing" money, you will find you can be a lot happier with your parents and their participation.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:43 AM    <link>

SKIPPING THE REGISTRY?

Dear Elise,

My fiance are I are having a teeny tiny ceremony and a very nice, intimate dinner afterward at a restaurant. We plan to invite some extended family members on both of our sides, but we know they will not attend (age, distance and desire being the main reasons). We are fine with this, and expect it since we have already discussed our plans at length with our families.

We plan, also, to invite our friends (about 70 in total) to join us later in the evening for an informal gathering at a bar we frequent often. We plan to provide champagne and cupcakes for our guests, and make a few informal toasts. An email invite will be sent to these afterparty invitees to announce the date, time and location. (And we will clarify, via our website, what the nature of this party is: somewhat informal, but still very important to us in order to celebrate the occasion.)

We are reluctant to register at all since we will be moving. My fiance believes it is not necessary to register at all, and he does not think that most of his friends would buy a gift anyway. The general opinion that I have read is that we should register anyway because some people will WANT to get us a gift and that if we do not register, people will be confused or get us stuff we don't want/need. What we really need is cash, but will never ask or register for anything of that sort.

Please let me know what you think the most appropriate and mindful way of addressing this issue is, considering our sort of plans.

Best,

The Simple Bride

Dear Simple Bride,

You certainly don't have to register for your wedding presents. Nowhere is it written that this is mandatory. Some people may find it easier to register for the few things they do need than to constantly explain that they won't be registering, other people may really want to compose a list of their interests and be exited about registering, while another set might not be able to bring themselves to contemplate a registry at all.

Now, you will absolutely hear from people who want you to have registered and who want to get you presents. How do you want to deal with them? You can tell them that you aren't going to register, of course, but you won't be able to stop them from giving you things. Even with registries presents that are not always useful (or identifiable) sometimes show up. So take counsel with yourselves. What would be easier for you? Are there a few things you do need that would make registering useful? Could you register for books you need or non-traditional items for your home (perhaps you need a new set of socket wrenches or a stepladder). Thinking of the registry in practical terms may help you.

But keep in mind that this is not fundamentally necessary. Once, registries were considered almost offensive in that one would be considered rude for proclaiming one's wants to one's guests. (One should still not list one's registry details on an invitation for this reason- it just seems too mercenary.)

So think about your interests and find your comfort level. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you come to terms with your decision and know that, no matter what, you will get presents and some will be wonderful while others will baffle you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:01 PM    <link>

DISINVITING BABY FROM THE RECEPTION?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I asked his sister and brother-in-law in our wedding party. They agreed to do so and 6 months ago they had a baby. My fiance had asked them to bring the baby to the wedding along with the brother-in law's parents so they can help babysit the baby as we think my fiance's parents should enjoy the big day of their son. However, my fiance's sister and her husband decided not to bring their in-laws, and just ask our guests to babysit their baby during the ceremony instead. On top of that, my fiance's sister asked to go to the church separately because she wants to drive her own car with the baby.

There is another dilemma about the baby issue. My fianace has invited a lot of his family and parents' friends to come to the wedding and our wedding day will be the first time they meet his sister's baby. I feel like she is stealing my spotlight. I tried to hint to her that we can hire a babysiter to watch the baby at the hotel room but his sister doesn't trust a stranger to do the job. Is it very insensitive of me to ask her not to bring the baby to the reception?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Babies are often sticking points when it comes to weddings, but you are faced with an additional issue in that you have already tacitly invited your future sister-in-law's baby to your wedding. It would almost certainly be problematic in the long run if you tried to disinvite the child.

It is true that new parents can be annoying and preoccupied, and full of weird requirements, but the best way to manage them is to keep in mind the bottom line and find ways to work with your needs and theirs.

This is not to say that there aren't a few problems with your future in-laws' babysitting plans. Have they actually talked to someone about holding their baby during the ceremony? This is not something that should be handled casually, since the babysitting guest will have to be prepared to trot out of the room if the baby starts to squawk. They need to figure out a game plan in advance and not just thrust the baby on some unsuspecting relative.

As to the car question, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your fiance's sister wanting to use her own car to get to the church. The baby needs a car seat, which would take up a ton of room in your vehicle, so really, this is much more convenient for you.

Finally, it makes sense that you might feel that the baby threatens your spotlight, but you can't really keep the baby away once you've invited him or her. (And it isn't unreasonable for your fiance's sister to be skeptical of an unknown babysitter. This is something that is perfectly comfortable for some people and anathema to others and it is really a matter of personal preference.)

But this might not be as big a problem as you fear. You haven't said what time your wedding is taking place, but if the reception is in the evening, the baby will probably fall asleep and your future in-laws will then have to beg people not to prod it. (Six month-olds spend considerable amounts of time dozing.) If the baby does lose it at the reception, your future sister-in-law or her husband may have to take the baby home.

Unless you want lasting trouble, you can't demand that the baby skip the reception. This may happen organically, if the kid needs to go to bed. The trick will be for you to relax and be happy and celebrate your wedding. Only one person at a time can hold a baby anyway, and that leaves you to enjoy the rest of the crowd.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:12 PM    <link>

PROBLEMATIC FATHER

Dear Elise,

I am thrilled to be wedding a terrific guy. It's the first time for me, at 48. Needless to say, my mother, who is 92, is relieved!

Here's the tricky part: My father has been afflicted with Alzheimer's for over 20 years. At this point he is wheelchair bound, has a full-time nurse, recognizes no one, cannot speak, and has disruptive, abusive, hostile mood swings in early evening ("Sundowner Syndrome").

My mother was very hurt about the aisle business, but their doctor helped explain that it would be an undignified spectacle to have the 4 of go down: Me, my parents, and the nurse pushing him.

Now I am having second and third thoughts about the ceremony (what if he starts yelling?) and the very small, intimate dinner (30 + him and the nurse).

I would really welcome your wise counsel.

Many thanks,

- Sad Daughter

Dear Sad Daughter,

I am very sorry about your father, and while I'm sure you have learned, over the years, various ways to deal with his disease, not having him available and lucid for your wedding is surely difficult.

Now, your letter was a bit confusing on a couple of points. As I understand it, you've decided to have your father present as a guest but he will not walk you down the aisle. This is reasonable way to handle things, especially if you feel that his presence is something especially important to your mother (since your letter implies that he would not be aware of the proceedings).

I do understand that you are dealing with a wild card in your father, so perhaps the safest thing to do is to come up with a few backup plans in the event that he does have trouble. You would need to have a word with his caregiver about this, of course.

If you're worried about the ceremony, you could have him sit near an exit so that if he does get agitated, his nurse could quickly wheel him out. The same thing applies to your reception. If they do have to leave abruptly, you can arrange to have their meals wrapped up, along with pieces of cake.

The whole idea of the wedding being this "perfect" event is a bit unhealthy and impractical. Of course the goal is to have a beautiful unruffled event, but as with life one can't control everything, so one does the best one can. If a ring bearer flips out, or if the officiant stumbles over a word in the ceremony, the event is still happy and thrilling. The marriage is still legal and dignity exists in the managing of uncomfortable moments.

This is not to say that it is impossible for you to exclude your father from your wedding, if that is the only solution to your situation. But it is important to know that even if he is present and gets restless, there are solutions to your problem that everyone would easily understand. The key to being comfortable is to come up with a game plan and be prepared to act upon it. Weigh your options, keeping in mind your feelings and those of your mother and see what possibilities make the most sense.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:02 AM    <link>

PLEASE SUGGEST

Dear Readers,

This question arrived on my virtual doorstep this evening and it falls outside the umbrella of etiquette, so I thought it would be best to submit it to you. If you have any good ideas for songs to recommend to this gentleman, please write them to me: indieetiquette AT yahoo DOT com.

The missive is as follows:

Elise,

I'm getting married in three weeks, and I'd really like to find an Indie Rock song for my mother and me (and my fiancee and her father) to dance to. I think we're playing Bright Eyes' "First Day of My Life" for our first song, so something akin to that would be cool. Any ideas?

Thanks,

Song in My Heart

Many thanks in advance and

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:26 PM    <link>

CEREMONY SHUFFLE

Hi Elise!

My fiance and I want to have a fairly casual wedding and reception. The bridesmaids are wearing silk/chiffon dresses and heels if they want. Can my groomsmen simply wear their Sunday best, even if that's just a long sleeve button-up shirt? How can we let people know it's casual on the invitation? Can we say something like, "No suits required"?

Also, I don't want my wedding party to stand up during our ceremony. Can they just walk down the aisle and sit down? (I originally didn't want a wedding party but my grandma said we "have" to have a maid of honor/best man to be witnesses, but I couldn't pick between my sister and friend, so now I ended up with 4 maids!) Will I take their "job" away from them by asking them to sit?

Finally, I really don't want to be escorted down the aisle. I told my mother this, but she insists that she doesn't want me to walk "alone." It's my day, I WANT to be in that moment ALONE, not sharing my feelings with anyone but my groom. She asked if she could walk me down and I said yes (my dad is not in my life). Can I still tell her I want to do it alone, or is it too late (and bad manners) since I said yes already? Of course I don't want to hurt her feelings and have considered just sucking it up.

Please HELP!

Sincerely,

-I WANT TO BE SOLO!

Dear IWTBS,

You are right that all of your questions point at your concerns for other peoples' feelings.

Once, people understood what to wear to weddings based on the time of the affair and the location, but today people tend to make certain indications on the invitation ("black tie," "festive dress," etc.) Really, if you make no indications on your invitation, your guests will feel free to dress as they please, but if you want to say something you can always write "Casual Dress" on your invitation.

If you're concerned about your groomsmen "matching" your bridesmaids, you can encourage them all to wear the same color shirt (instead of having some in white, others in blue or what have you). You don't say if they'll be wearing jackets, but that is a standard sartorial choice for groomsmen, even at informal weddings.

As to your wedding party questions, if you don't want your bridal party to stand for your ceremony, by all means, have them sit down. (You should probably reserve a row of seats for them.) You actually didn't need a wedding party at all, contrary to your grandmother's beliefs, but now that you have one, you can have it participate in your ceremony as much or as little as you like.

Finally, your aisle walk is a bit complicated. Generally speaking, no one ever needs an aisle escort, unless there is something in a specific cultural or religious tradition that must be followed. Truth be told, you don't even need an aisle at all if you don't want one. In your case, you didn't need to have your mother escort you to the altar, but you have now agreed to it. This may be a case where you would be best off tending to your mother's feelings since you've already promised. If you have a sense that she doesn't really care deeply about the aisle walk and just didn't want you to feel lonely, you could possibly tell her you'd rather take the walk on your own, BUT if she is at all invested in this, you may not be able to get out of having her escort you without hurting her feelings and feeling rejected. You know the measure of your mother's feelings better than I do, of course, but conventional wisdom says that it is much more potentially insulting to take back an invitation than it is never to have made one in the first place. If you risk doing some damage, you may not want to rescind your offer.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:31 AM    <link>

MOTHER WITH A DOUBLE-STANDARD

Dear Elise,

Please help me. I am seriously considering entering therapy to deal with my mother. My mom and dad divorced 3 1/2 years ago. (My mom, started an affair, then decided she needed "space," so she moved out and bought her own house to live in. My father never learned about the affair. They were separated for almost two years before my father pushed for a divorce. My father was very depressed. At that time, my mom was busy with her own life and kept saying about my father, "Oh, I just hope he finds someone who makes him happy."

Now, almost four years later, it is a different story. My mother is alone. She is very lonely, I feel very badly for her. However, she is now making my life very hard. I am getting married in three months, and my father wants to bring his girlfriend as his date to my wedding. I am completely fine with this; she is a lovely woman and I want my father to be happy. But my mother is pitching a royal fit. She keeps saying that the whole thing will make her uncomfortable to see my dad with another woman. I feel like telling her what a hypocrite she is, which I am sure will only lead to estrangement. As it now stands, I told both of them to bring dates. I just KNOW that if the shoe was on the other foot, my mother would be throwing a fit that she couldn't bring her date/boyfriend.

What do I do? Do I tell my father he cannot bring a date because of my mother's issues? Do I tell her to deal with it? Do I tell her that if she can't deal with it, she can't come? I really can't feel impartial about it, and I also hate feeling as though I am punishing her for her misdeeds.

Please, please help!

- Desperate Daughter

Dear DD,

Well, you may feel you need therapy, but I hope that wouldn't have anything to do with what I am going to say.

The path to take here is a bit rocky, but it is the most reasonable route to take. Stick to your plan. Your father deserves to have his girlfriend accompany him to your wedding and your mother deserves to have the opportunity to bring a date and that is the ideal thing to do.

If your mother tries to talk about your decision, shut her down. If she complains about your father's girlfriend and being embarrassed, just repeat that she can always bring a companion and no one expects her to talk to your father. If she tries to whine and threaten, tell her you can't discuss this and change the subject or get off the phone. The key here is not to engage her in any sort of debate. She wants attention and threatening and ranting is an obvious way to try to get it.

It may sound strange to deal with her this way, because your instinct is probably to try to convince her to see the light and come around to your way of thinking. Don't bother with this any more. The less she is able to open a discussion about your father's girlfriend, the better because she wants to make a scene and get her way. If you feed her temper, it will grow, but if you keep her complaint at a distance and refuse to fight, she may give up a bit. You aren't punishing her. You're merely doing what is fair and reasonable.

Clearly your father has been through a lot and there is no question that he should be able to bring his girlfriend. It might not be easy to bite your tongue, but you shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do because of your mother's instability. Understand that no matter how much you accommodate her, there is a good chance that she will always find something to make a scene about. Don't give her the opportunity to fight and you stand a chance of having a more satisfying, happy wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:11 AM    <link>

NO READING

Dear Elise,

I have a friend to whom I am close simply out of convenience. We live in the same city, and all my good friends live halfway across the country. We have had our issues in the past, though. I find her very untrustworthy. Because of this, I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid (my fiance said NO to the whole idea). But because we see each other often, I was feeling guilty that she wasn't involved in the wedding in any way, so I asked her to be a reader.

We have since grown apart and now I don't want her to read in our wedding. How does someone tell a participant that they aren't participating anymore without totally alienating them? I don't want to completely destroy our civility towards one another, and I don't want her to feel as though she has to boycott our wedding. But I know for sure I don't want her participating.

Help!

- Had It With Her

Dear HIWH,

Well, you're in a rough spot because this sort of thing tend not to have much of a grey area: "firing" a bridesmaid or kicking someone out of the wedding ceremony is generally the nail in the coffin of the friendship. It is a gesture that is bound to hurt your friend's feelings and, if as you say, she tends to be melodramatic, you could end up with more drama than you anticipated.

Do you want to have all kinds of fallout for this decision? I can't tell how deeply you don't want her in your wedding ceremony, but before you do anything remember that your decision could plague you for a long time if she gets very angry and vindictive.

The only possible way around having your friend read in your ceremony that avoids hurt feelings is to cancel all of the readings. You could tell her that you had to do this because the ceremony got too long or for some other practical reason unrelated to your friendship (or lack thereof). Wedding ceremony plans tend to shift around a lot in the weeks before the wedding, often changing because of policies in the religious institution where the wedding will take place or for time limitations, so that decision isn't totally far fetched. If you cut out all of the readings, your friend-ish can't feel singled out and there is less of a chance of annoying repercussions.

Beyond that, your choice is to bite your tongue and deal with her brief moment in the ceremony as opposed to having to live with anger and spiteful episodes when you get back from your honeymoon.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:52 PM    <link>

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