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Friday, August 29, 2008

TITLES IN PERSPECTIVE

Hi Elise ,

My maid of honor is my younger sister, and she is doing nothing for our upcoming wedding. (OK she came gown shopping with me twice and kept asking when she could go home.) She has no intention of planning a shower or a bachelorette party in the coming months. My two other bridesmaids have now taken on those party-planning responsibilities, which I am so grateful for.

My sister has mentioned that I should just remove the title of "maid of honor" from her name and just call her "another bridesmaid". At this point I wonder if it's even worth it. (Meanwhile I've heard two stories now of younger sisters who just didn't know about their responsibilities as maid of honor; I guess I just really thought my sister would be, well, honored.)

Anyway I want to make sure that the bridesmaids who are taking on so much now are adequately acknowledged.

Does the titling really matter that much?

Thank you.
- Caught in the Hoopla

Dear Caught,

If you set aside the supposed list of duties that falls to maids of honor, how do you feel? Why did you ask your sister to be your maid of honor in the first place? How do you feel about her?

Before you answer, make a supreme effort to think back upon your relationship before she let you down, wedding-wise. The "maid of honor" title embodies much more than how much work someone did or did not do on a wedding. If you want to "demote" your sister, you certainly can, but what will you really get out of the gesture? What will it do for your future relationship? Do you think your guests will really care deeply about the fact that your sister is called a bridesmaid and not your maid of honor? The last is almost an existential question, but you see where I am going. So many of these issues exist only for a moment or deal with things that matter most to you not to your guests or family who might not even notice. If you are hurt and disappointed, and you may reasonably be so, tell your sister about this. Don't let her off the hook by removing her honorary title. You'll only seem petty when the issue is more substantial.

If you want to honor your more helpful bridesmaids, don't noodle around with titles. Be direct about it. At your wedding reception stand up, glass in hand and tell everyone how wonderful your friends are. Name them, tell them that you're grateful and that you're honored to be their friend. Really, the best way to show your appreciation is to speak it out loud and forget about parsing honorary titles and their meanings. Celebrate your friendships.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:26 AM    <link>

WOULD LIKE TO ASK FOR CASH

Dear Elise,

Is it totally tacky to ask people to give us money for a 1st home fund instead of having them give us gifts? Will people be offended since they tend to like to get gifts? If you think it's okay to ask for a house fund how do you suggest we say it?

Thanks,

- Don't-want-to-rent-the-rest-of-my-life

Dear Don't Want,

This is a constant question, so don't think you're alone in asking it. Unfortunately, I suspect it is unlikely you'll be satisfied with the answer.

While there are some cultures and communities that routinely give cash as wedding presents, the practice is not universal and many people feel very uncomfortable offering monetary gifts.

The only way to make your wishes clear is to tell people, when they ask, that you really need money for a house down payment. Do not make requests on your wedding invitation (this just looks as if you're charging admission for your wedding and is off putting). You can let your family and friends know about your wishes as well, so that they can spread the word, the same way they would if you had a traditional wedding registry.

This may or may not work. Some people feel that money is the only present to give while others will only want to give an actual present. You can't control this. All you can do is be honest about what you want or need when someone asks. This may be difficult for you to do, but it is the only way. Sending out any sort of mass note or invitation insert is not the route to take.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:23 AM    <link>

FATHER'S GIRLFRIEND AND THE WEDDING PROGRAM

Hi,

So I'm making the programs for my wedding and realized I didn't know how to list my Dad's long-term girlfriend (she had no part in raising me, but they have been together for many years). I was going to list my mom and dad under "Parents of the Bride" and then give her a "special thanks." I ran this by them and they don't like this very much. In fact, my Dad sent me an email today saying this:

"Two possible solutions:
1) Get over it and list Father & Long Term Girlfriend (LTG)
Mother
under Parents of the Bride
(one suggestion) OR
2) Change category for you and your fiance to "Family of the Bride" and "Family of the Groom".)

I am not happy with either suggestion and, frankly, am kind of offended. First, my initial format follows the etiquette standard, mother's name is listed before father's), and they rather rudely swapped to have his name appear first. Second, they told me to "Get over it" and list LTG as my parent, which I plainly said I was not comfortable with. Finally, and most importantly, is that my fiance was adopted and has changed his name to unify him with his adopted dad and, though he doesn't want to get involved in deciding the wording of the programs, I think it would be hurtful not to list him as a parent.

Help me! Am I just mad, or am I being rationally offended, and what should I do?

Sincerely,

Not Daughter of the Girlfriend

Dear Not Daughter,

Your feelings are your own and it is legitimate to bristle at being bullied and dismissed by your father. Accept that you're angry. This is a perfect object lesson (for all of you who are ever asked to comment on something like invitation or program language) about why it is so important to be diplomatic and kind about expressing your wishes and concerns. If your father had been a little less officious and dismissive, I doubt you'd be so enraged.

Having said that, you need to look into the future and it is in your best interests not to leave your father and especially his girlfriend feeling shunted to the side or insulted. If you need perspective, you can remember that wedding programs are entirely optional and your guests won't be trying to read between the lines to see who gets preference and how they are categorized. (Tell yourself this as you seethe: they are being bossy about a non-essential stationery element.)

Your safest approach is probably to follow your father's second suggestion. If you list the "Family of the Bride" and "Family of the Groom", you easily sidestep all issues of identity. Your fiance's name will match that of his father, making their connection to each other obvious to the people who don't already know him, and the same thing applies to your family. Those who know will understand your descriptions and those who don't will probably not notice anything.

Everything about your irritation is reasonable but it is not worth your energy to try to "win" the fight. As long as you can convey, to your satisfaction, the nature of all of your relationships (which will be strongly implied by last names alone, and this is keeping in mind that a large portion of your audience will already know everyone), you'll be fine. You don't want to alienate your father or his girlfriend and the cost of "winning" might just be too high.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:08 PM    <link>

CREATIVE MOTHER-IN-LAW & A HUPPAH

Dear Elise,

My fiance's mother made a huppah for his sister's wedding, which is the month before ours. She now wants us to use the same huppah in our wedding but we don't love how it looks and would prefer to find a different huppah. What do we do and say to her?

Thanks,

- Huppah Hang Up

Dear HHU

What route you take with your future mother-in-law and the huppah she made depends on what sort of relationship you have with her, and how she feels about this object.

Needless to say, it wouldn't be helpful for you to tell your future mother-in-law that you just don't like how the huppah looks. There are, however, other arguments you can make for using a new huppah. You could say that you want to make sure all of the elements in your wedding are as different as possible from your fiance's sister's nuptials, which are so close to yours.

You could also say that, given the venue you've chosen for your wedding, you think you need a different size/sort of huppah, but that you'd love to use it (or parts of it if you can break it down) in another capacity (I am not sure what you could do but if a way to re-task the huppah comes to mind this would be a way of including your fiance's mother's work in your wedding).

Ultimately there are options for you to exercise. The only thing to keep in mind is how you can avoid this huppah while not hurting your future mother-in-law's feelings. Count on your fiance's instincts to guide what you do, but if she is really protective of her work, you may have to compromise and use the huppah, though maybe you could ask her to customize it more to your taste and the wedding's style. Always remember when dealing with questions like this one that the issue for you is about the huppah and personal taste, but for your fiance's mother, it may be much more deep and symbolic, so tread lightly and be prepared to bend a little in the interests of your future relations.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:18 AM    <link>

"Mocktails" Abound

Recently, I answered a question about dry weddings and suggested serving a signature non-alcoholic cocktail or two in lieu of the standard sparkling grape juice that carries with it a whiff of the kiddie table and never fools everyone.

Anyway, the New York Times just published an article on just this subject, complete with recipes. So here you have it: "No-Alcohol Refreshers That Rise Above Mimicry."

posted by Elise at 4:43 PM    <link>

SHOWER PRESENTS & PROTOCOL

Dear Elise:

I've received some gifts for my wedding shower from guests who won't be able to make it. My mother says that I ought to bring these presents to the shower and announce them so that all the guests can see them. This seems rather awkward, especially as the gifts have already been unwrapped, but my mom is adamant.

Another issue is that I have received notices from my registry that guests have purchased gifts for me that I won't be receiving until after the shower since they're on backorder. At one point Mom thought I should print them out and purchase gift cards from myself and "open" them and announce the presents at the shower, but even she decided that this seemed a little crazy. Is there a way to address these things?

Thanks!

- Present Issues

Dear PI,

Your mother is taking things a bit too far. The whole idea with shower presents is that people bring the gifts to the shower, the packages get opened, praised and set aside. This is not some sort of performance art, and there are no additional awards that go to extreme completists.

If people are not attending the shower, you absolutely do not need to repackage the presents and bring them to the shower to show the assembled guests what someone they may not know at all sent you. That is a rather odd thing to do and is an overestimation on your mother's part of the degree of interest people have in presents. Skip this.

As for your backordered presents, again, trying to capture some sort of performance aspect is a questionable endeavor. If some of these people who send you the backordered presents will be at your shower, you can come equipped with a list of the people and the presents they sent and make a gracious announcement where you describe the presents that are on their way.

The thing to keep in mind is that it is important to acknowledge the presents and write thank you notes for them, but it is missing the point to turn the shower into a performance about the presents. Within reason, you want to open the gifts, praise them, thank people for them and move on to socializing. To force the issue of presents (who gave what, when, whether or not the giver is even present) would indeed be odd and a lot of extra work for you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:18 PM    <link>

VEGETARIAN RESPONSES

Dear Elise,

I'm a long-time vegetarian and, while I recognize that the world doesn't owe me a dinner, my enjoyment of wedding celebrations is greatly enhanced by getting a meal I can eat. Is it appropriate to include a note that I'm a vegetarian when I RSVP?

I was recently invited to a wedding, I wrote a fairly traditional RSVP note, and attached a post-it note with a postscript about my vegetarianism, "in case you need to know for catering purposes." I felt comfortable with this informal approach because I know the couple in question quite well, and the groom, who was also the recipient of the RSVP, is also a vegetarian. However, at other weddings I feel very reluctant about making such a statement.

My concern is that two principles of manners seem to conflict here: it seems impolite to be making a specific request about food when a couple is generously inviting me to their wedding. On the other hand, I have been in situations where hosts have felt bad because they didn't know about someone's dietary restrictions, and I would prefer to avoid causing awkwardness. Ultimately, if I was invited to a wedding that couldn't accommodate a vegetarian, I'd still prefer to know in advance, so that I could bring a couple of muesli bars and contrive to avoid getting steak or chicken dinners put in front of me!

Kind regards,

Vegetarian on Eggshells

P.S. I'm from Australia, and I've never encountered the kind of response cards that ask you to nominate your main course, which you see in the USA.

Dear VOE,

Actually, it isn't at all standard procedure for wedding invitation response cards to come with menu choices. Many caterers feel that even when you solicit people's choices, they could easily change their minds in the weeks between the time they send in their response cards and the reception. So don't assume that there is a foolproof plan operating in the United States that has yet to hit Australia.

As a general matter, guests should not tell their hosts about all of their dietary concerns unless they are asked about it. It could be completely overwhelming if a wedding couple has to plan for every food allergy, strong preference, food sensitivity, slimming issue and philosophical food preference.

Having said that, it is a good idea for the wedding couple (and their caterers) to plan on some option or customization to the entrees that allows for vegetarians (or vegans if some of the guests are known to have those restrictions). No wedding needs to be responsible for catering to every preference, but it is good to arrange for dishes with some flexibility.

In your position, if you know the wedding couple well, you can ask them if they are planning on having a vegetarian option. This sort of question is much better handled in conversation instead of in response card notes. These are friends of yours, so it isn't inappropriate to ask a question that might make you change your plans (and come with emergency snacks). If you simply write a note it can look a little abrupt, as if you're placing an order and, even more problematic, your missive might not even get read in the shuffle (which is entirely possible in the second RSVP scenario you describe).

If this bothers you, or if you sense that your question might be taken in the wrong spirit, you could just go to the wedding prepared for the worst. Bring your muesli bars, so that you're prepared and when a waiter approaches with a plate of chicken, ask if there is a way a vegetarian plate could be put together for you (even if it would be predominantly salad and side dishes, you wouldn't have to deal with meat).

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:35 AM    <link>

DON'T WANT DRINKS

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I do not drink alcohol, and I would prefer not to serve alcohol at our wedding (partly to keep certain guests from getting into accidents on the one-lane road from the reception site). However, my mother (curiously enough, since she doesn't drink either) insists that guests will "expect" champagne toasts and will feel cheated if alcohol is not provided. Are we obligated to provide alcohol for our guests because it's traditional?

Thanks!

Dry Bride

Dear DB,

If you want to have a dry wedding, you should absolutely have one. There is nothing wrong with this.

While your mother has a point, that some people expect to have access to some kind of alcohol, deciding not to serve any is not going to interfere with your guests' diets or belief systems. (This is in contrast with, say, deciding not to have anything a vegetarian could eat.)

If you want to have a festive toast with something more novel than ginger ale, you can always consult a bartender or other cocktail authority about making a non-alcoholic signature cocktail. This is not such an odd strategy as it might sound. There is a large market for "mocktails," given the number of people who are pregnant or in recovery, so you can have some fun coming up with something appropriate and festive for your wedding. Perhaps all your mother needs to hear is that you have something special planned.

Congratulations and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:24 PM    <link>

NAGGING FOR AN INVITATION

Dear Elise,

We are to be married this fall and had planned an intimate wedding (reception, ceremony and seated dinner) with our families and closest friends.

Several acquaintances from an outer circle of friends have asked about the wedding, the date, etc. One couple even told my future husband that they would be insulted if they were not invited! We rarely see them, yet recently he has been calling my fiance constantly, as if to ingratiate himself. Sadly, he is now afflicted with cancer. The pressure is high to invite.

Since I can't even invite half of my cousins, it really annoys me to include them.

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

- Peeved

Dear Peeved,

The standard answer to pushy people who demand invitations to one's wedding when one can't invite them is something like this: "I'm really sorry. We are having a tiny wedding and we just can't invite everyone. We would love to celebrate with you privately, though." Of course you'd have to tweak the language to sound like something you would say and make sure it suits your circumstances.

This happens all the time. Guest lists for weddings almost inevitably force brides and grooms to cut names of friends and relatives they would love to have present (and also include people they don't feel so strongly about). Unfortunately, people just have to accept that they have money and space limits and that is the way it will always be. Your friends will have to understand this but if you need to you can lay it on thick by explaining how you've had to exclude all of your cousins.

I do not think your friend would necessarily want his cancer diagnosis to be the thing that secures him an invitation to your wedding. Is this what you're suggesting? Or is this a factor that makes your fiance feel more guilty about the possibility of excluding him?

There is nothing wrong with being honest about not being able to invite this couple. Is the real source of your difficulty really that your fiance would prefer to invite these friends? Did he actually halfway agree that they would be invited? If he indicated that they would be receiving an invitation, this is another story entirely because it would be a hard gesture to suddenly take back an invitation as if it were a prank.

Excavate this issue with your fiance. If he has promised this couple an invitation, you may find you just have to bite the bullet and include them, but if he has staunchly said nothing in the face of the many phone calls, then he can just keep repeating the "small wedding" line and say that he'd love to make a future plan after your nuptials.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:41 PM    <link>

WHERE PRACTICALITY ISN'T THE POINT

Dear Elise,

Why it is considered tacky to place a small registry announcement card in your invite, especially if its wording indicates that no gifts are preferred, and only includes registry info for those still wishing to provide one?

Etiquette dictates this is not acceptable, but to me it just seems practical and a convenience for the guest.

- Curious

Dear Curious,

You are misunderstanding. Etiquette is not really a system that is interested in practicality. Sometimes its policies tend to point in practical directions, but as a general matter, etiquette is interested in making people comfortable.

The reason one should not talk about presents and registries in the invitation is that it creates a rather mercenary appearance. Ideally, an invitation is simply a thing onto itself: a welcome and a request for the honor (or pleasure) of someone's company. To introduce the question of gifts at all is to imply that an exchange is in order: a present for the invitation.

And when you think about it, starting a discussion in an insert is uncomfortable: "If you want to give us presents, here is the registry information but you really don't have to, of course, this is only if you want to give something." It is really much better, and much simpler to let registry information travel in the classical way, by word of mouth. Those who are curious will ask you or your family and friends and those who want to give a non-registry gift will do their own thing.

In the end, it isn't always about delivering the information. Everyone who wants it will know how to get it. Besides, weddings don't tend to be practical affairs in and of themselves. Why introduce efficiency into such a romantic occasion?

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:28 AM    <link>

RELATIVES WHO CAN'T TRAVEL

Dear Elise,

My daughter is getting married in October in California. She is from the Chicago area, but now lives in California. All of my daughter and her fiance's friends and the groom's family will be there, since that is where they all live. However, our family lives in the Chicago area and only a few people will probably end up attending. It's not exactly your typical "destination" wedding, although is out-of-town for those of us residing in the Midwest.

My question is regarding who should be invited to the wedding. If the wedding was taking place here, we would be inviting all of our friends and family (including extended family). Should the extended family be invited, even though most will not be able to attend the wedding in California?

I just don't want to offend anyone.

Your thoughts.

Invitation Question

Dear IQ,

I understand your confusion, but really, you don't need to concern yourself with your potential guests' plans. You will go mad if you try to predict what each person will want to do with his or her vacation time.

When generating the guest list all you really need to keep in mind are a few factors. First, and this is perhaps obvious, you have to keep an eye on the numbers and only invite as many people as you can afford or who will fit in the venue. Then, you should remember to issue invitations to all members of family crowds (all of the aunts and uncles would need invitations if you're planning on inviting one, for instance, or all first cousins should be included if you know that two are definitely on the guest list). Beyond that, you are not under any obligation to be a mind reader or social calendar organizer or anything complicated.

Something that people often forget is that invitees, even relatives, are not required by law or propriety to attend every wedding to which they receive an invitation. An invitation is a courtesy, a welcoming and happy gesture and everyone can be flattered to receive one, but in no way is it a hard obligation. They should be glad to be included and if they can't go, you will obviously understand their practical restrictions.

You're in a good spot here, because you can afford to be liberal with the invitations to your extended family. You can earn all sorts of good will credit by including as many people as you feel comfortable inviting, but you can also be confident that most of them won't be attending (though be prepared for a couple of surprise attendees, so do keep your eye on the numbers).

If you would rather keep your invitations to a minimum, you can always tell your extended family that the wedding is going to be small because it is taking place so far away.

Congratulations and cheers,


Elise

posted by Elise at 5:34 PM    <link>

NAMING CONVENTIONS AND THE INVITATION: STYLE WARS

Elise,

We are stumbling on what wording to use for our wedding invitations. Both sets of parents, and my fiance and I are all contributing to the wedding (although its fine if he and I are left off the hosting portion of the invitation). My fiance comes from a very traditional/formal family, and my family is much more casual. My parents prefer to be listed by their names, using nicknames (like Sue and Bob Smith, without the Mr. and Mrs.). His parents prefer to be listed as Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname.

I suggested the formatting Mr. and Mrs. Bob and Sue Smith for both sets of parents as a compromise, because I think it would look stupid to have the parents names formatted differently.

My fiance's family isn't backing down, and I don't want my mom to go by Mrs. Hisfirst and Hislast (and she doesn't want to either). I've threatened my FMIL with "together with our families" and that did not go over well. Ideally we can make everyone happy, and my fiance thinks we should just let each set of parents choose its own name formatting. But staying consistent seems important too. Any suggestions?

Thanks,

- The Future Ms. Myownname

Dear Future Ms.,

Why is consistency so important in this? Aesthetically, I realize that it might match better, but the question here is that someone must compromise: your parents, your future in-laws, or you. How do you want to play this?

Is it worth potentially alienating your fiance's parents over their choice of name presentation? Do you really want to force the issue with your mother and father? Both families have perfectly reasonable desires. The obvious compromise is to list them with both naming formats, which means you will have to bend.

Having said that, you can perhaps find a way to make the different styles less obvious. You could separate them so that your invitation looks like this (note to readers: It is probably obvious, but I have invented all the names in the examples):

Mr. and Mrs. Paris and Edith Hat
parents of
Patricia Hat
and
Mr. and Mrs. Eric Somme
parents of
Mark Somme
Request the honor of your presence
At the marriage of their children
Date
Time
Place

Another option could be:

Patricia Hat
And
Mark Somme
Together with their parents
Mr. and Mrs. Paris and Edit Hat
And
Mr. and Mrs. Eric Somme
Request the honor of your presence
At their wedding
Date
Time
Place

The discrepancy between the name formats may be something of an irritant to you, but you can think of this as one of the battles you're better off not picking and winning. The most problematic choice would be for you to try to force one set of parents to have to go for a name format that is uncomfortable or even offensive for them. And really, if consistency is important, isn't it perfectly consistent to treat both parents with the same, even hand?

No matter what format you choose (one of the above, or one you construct on your own), you should let both sets of parents know what you are planning. That way, no one can complain about being blindsided.

Different name formats on an invitation is a nontraditional, but not so much so that it risks anything, and perhaps more to the point, this decision doesn't make anyone feel uncomfortable or bullied.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:49 AM    <link>

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