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Monday, September 29, 2008

MULTIPLE TOASTS TO THE SAME FOLKS?

Dear Elise:

I was just wondering what the protocol is of toasting the parents at the rehearsal dinner. My parents are hosting the dinner so obviously I would like to say a few words about them but should my fiance then say a few words about his parents as well? Or is there more to it than that, i.e.: do we each need to toast each others' parents and so on?

Thanks!

Ready to Speak

Dear Ready,

There are a lot of ways to handle toasts at the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding for that matter. Often someone (usually the best man) acts as an emcee to control the outpouring of potential toasts, but the most important thing to remember, in a case such as yours, is that you want to be grateful and gracious and you should feel comfortable telling your friends and family how much you and your fiance appreciate your families.

What you probably don't need to do is anything stilted, say where you toast your parents, sit down and then your fiance toasts his parents and sits down, and then you get up all over again and toast HIS parents and then he gets up to say a few words to YOUR parents. At worst it will look as if you kept remembering things you forgot to say and at best it will just look as if there are tacks on your chairs that prevent you from remaining seated for too long.

Anyway, you can thank your parents and acknowledge your fiance's family in your toast, and then your fiance can give his own toast. Alternatively, you can do a joint performance and speak together.

The point is not that you need to do any sort of performance in any particular order. You want to publicly acknowledge your families and friends and you can choose to do this in whatever way makes the most sense to you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:09 PM    <link>

I DON'T THINK THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO

Dear Elise,

Help! I am going to be the first of my group of friends (the ones in my bridal party) to get married. I don't think my bridesmaids or my maid of honor really know what goes into being a member of the wedding party. I don't want to sound selfish or pushy at all, but there are certain things that ideally I would love to be able to have, like a bridal shower and help with certain elements of wedding planning. My fear is that none of these girls is going to know what the normal bridesmaid wedding etiquette is and what their roles would typically include.

I know that bridesmaids aren't required to throw a shower or anything else along those lines (and mine don't even know that this is something that happens) but I mainly just want them to know what their roles are supposed to be and that I really want them to share this day with me and help me get through the stressful wedding planning process. These are my best friends and I don't want to come off as an overbearing, demanding bride, but at the same time, I would love to find a way to very nicely inform them of what usually happens in the course of wedding planning and what is supposed to happen on the wedding day!!! Do you have any idea how I can go about this without going overboard?

Thanks,

- What Do I Say?

Dear WDIS,

You are correct that your bridesmaids are under no particular obligation to do a lot of wedding-related things beyond showing up for the wedding. Traditionally, the wedding shower is thrown by the bridal party, or by close friends of the bride. And really, any bride-related "job" or "duty" can just as easily be filled by a friend as by a bridesmaid, so there is a lot of flexibility.

The key to keep in mind is that if you have not made your desires and interests known, your friends might not know what to do. They might not have the faintest idea of what you want. At this point you may want to have a conversation with your bridal party and let them know that you would love to have a shower (if you still want one) and you can discuss the other wedding elements you'd like help with as well. When you talk, you should not create the impression that your friends have fallen down on the job or that you're disappointed. All you are doing is clarifying what you would like and asking your friends what they can do. Be prepared for a wide variety of responses, based on your friends' schedules and plans. Your wedding is a collaborative effort, not just between you and your fiance, but also with your families and in this case your friends.

Talk to your friends, be flexible and see what sorts of plans you can make. There is an enormous difference between being demanding and simply asking for something you'd like.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:23 PM    <link>

SKIPPING TRADITIONS

Dear Elise,

I have already broken every rule of the traditional bride. Our invitations went out over email and myspace for starters. We are basically throwing a casual beach party during which there will be a short ceremony. Our budget is under $5,000 and will be spent primarily on food, beer and wine.

Am I leaving out any traditional thing that our family or guests will not forgive? Must we have favors? Must I arrange for parking/shuttle or is it acceptable to let our guests find public/street parking on their own? Must there be flowers/boutonnieres/centerpieces? Because we are getting married, I am sure there are expectations attached beyond throwing a party and I do not want to cause offense or awkwardness for any of our guests.

Thanks,

Party First

Dear PF,

There may be plenty of traditional wedding elements that your guests may expect, but you aren't really under any obligation to use any of them unless you want to. Really, this is your party. As long as you are getting married legally and aren't doing anything like charging admission to your reception or including lists of presents you want in your invitations, you are in good shape. You don't HAVE to have flower arrangements if you don't want them. You don't HAVE to have favors at all.

The only thing that is incumbent upon you is to be gracious and have fun. If you have money to find a parking solution for your guests, that would be a wonderful gesture. If you can't afford a shuttle bus or some other option, perhaps you could do some research and include a list of available parking lots and transportation alternatives in your invitations so that people can plan their trips.

Have a wonderful wedding and don't worry about skipping traditions.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:19 AM    <link>

ELOPING IS LEGIT

Dear Elise,

My family is not understanding that I have no interest in a big hoopla wedding. THE dress that I am wearing when we do our ceremony is not white, it's teal and short. My fiance will wear a nice suit. We are getting married in Vegas, alone. When we come home we are not having a reception (a different issue, but it is because my father says he won't pay for the things he initially offered to help with) This is all fine with us. While I would like the party, gifts, etc its not worth the additional crying and stress that has already taken place.

How do I make my family understand that I don't have to wear white and I don't have to have a reception?

HELP!!

Thanks!

Bride in Teal

Dear BiT

You don't sound much as if you need rescuing. As long as your ceremony is conducted legally and neither of you is already married to someone else, you will indeed be married. If you are not interested in having a larger-scale wedding or reception, you certainly don't "need" to have one, no matter what color dress you wear.

If you can't get around your family's arguments that you must do something more substantial, maybe you can come up with some relatively painless counter-suggestions. You could say: "I know you were hoping we'd have a reception but why don't we get together for a nice celebratory dinner sometime instead." If you keep getting flak, just keep repeating the following: "I’m sorry you feel that way. This is what we want to do and we're really happy."

Have a great time in Vegas.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:46 AM    <link>

MOTHER RAINS ON THE PARADE

Dear Elise,

I just got engaged and was happily planning my wedding when my parents proceeded to tell me that since this is my second marriage that I shouldn't be having a ceremony and throwing a "big party." This is my fiance's first wedding. We are planning to have approximately 100 guests. My parents are still looking down their nose at me and disapprove. Are there any no-nos for a second marriage? We really want to just celebrate in our love and enjoy the day with our friends and family having an intimate cozy wedding.

Please help,

- Frustrated Daughter

Dear FD,

That's a rather sour attitude of your parents to take. In the first place, one can always have a wedding celebration, whether the event is in honor of a first or a subsequent marriage. While traditionally, second (and beyond) weddings tend to be smaller and less formal, there is no strict protocol about this and it isn't anything one need to worry about for appearances' sake. Unless you are on your fifth wedding in as many years and purchasing yet another enormously expensive white ball gown, you won't appear eccentric at all. Have your wedding and enjoy it.

The primary distinction between first weddings and later ones is that guests are less obliged to give presents and less obliged, as well, to give lavish gifts. This has nothing to do with you and your plans, however.

Your question does make me wonder what your parents' reactions would be if the positions were reversed and this were your first wedding and your fiance's second. Would they still be saying you don't deserve the pomp of a wedding? Do they feel he doesn't merit a chance to celebrate? I ask this as a way of giving you a chance to see another perspective. I don’t think this is a topic that is necessarily worth exploring with your parents who are probably rather set in their thoughts.

From now on, just treat them as honored guests. Don't include them in conversations about your plans. If they ask, just say you've got everything in hand and change the subject. In this way you not only protect yourself, but you also make a point that you aren't going to play their game. You can love and respect them and pay tribute to them at the wedding, but don't try to get them to see things your way. Your plans are not outrageous.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:57 AM    <link>

EXPRESSING REGRETS

Dear Elise,

My cousin will soon marry his girlfriend. I have been invited but for various reasons I won't be attending. I need to write a letter to the bride's mother to let her know I can't make it. Simple enough, in theory, but things are complicated by several issues:

1. My boyfriend wasn't invited, even though we have been living together for six years and (clearly) are very serious. In the past that side of the family has been rude and dismissive of our relationship, so I don't think this was about forgetfulness. I don't want to be petty about this and obviously I want to avoid confrontation and aggressiveness in the letter.

2. The invitation was sent to my parents' address (I was included on theirs) even though I left home a number of years ago.

3. I have never met the bride's mother, so it seems strange to RSVP to her when I know my cousin much better - but the invitation requests that she is the only person who should be contacted about attendance.

4. I have almost no idea about traditional, formal etiquette (politeness I get, of course). My cousin and his wife-to-be are both from very traditional families.

5. My mother has already mistakenly responded on my behalf saying that I will be attending.

Do you have any ideas on how I could handle this with minimal fuss and without causing further drama?

- Black Sheep of a Posh Family

Dear Black Sheep,

Your problem is easily solved.

Good manners do not force people to attend weddings if they can't, black sheep or not. If anyone is interested, almost all parties involved in this invitation issue have not followed the policies of traditional etiquette.

The wedding hosts, indeed, should have sent the invitation to you at your residence since you don't live with your parents, and your parents should not have responded in the affirmative on your behalf without consulting you.

What you should do is compose a couple of notes. Write one to your cousin and his fiancee and explain that you won't be able to attend the wedding, in spite of what your parents indicated (and apologize for their jumping the gun on your response). You are not obliged to elaborate, but you may want to offer up one the most practical explanation, simply and without rancor. Don't say anything about your boyfriend not being invited. It may be annoying that your relationship wasn't recognized but even if that were your primary reason for not wanting to attend, you have already said that there are other obstacles. One of those will be worth mentioning.

Then write a second note, this one to the wedding hosts, the bride's parents. This one can be a little more formal. Again, give your regrets and apologize that your parents misinformed them. You do not need to explain why you won't be able to go to the wedding, but if you feel you must, just offer the minimum amount of information.

Be friendly and kind in your notes. Be sure to wish everyone the best and know that there is no need for anything like drama in this instance.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:56 AM    <link>

DO I LIE ABOUT GETTING MARRIED?

Dear Elise-

I became engaged in November of last year to my boyfriend of 6 years. We have set a wedding date next Autumn. However, I have landed a fantastic job but it sadly doesn't come with benefits. For this reason, my fiance and I are strongly considering going down to city hall to get married this fall so that I can get on his health insurance. Neither of us has any qualms about this and we don't feel that getting married before our wedding in any way cheapens the experience.

We haven't decided on telling our parents yet (we don't want to cheapen THEIR big day) and are wondering if having a wedding after getting married is in any way poor etiquette. I've read some online advice that indicates guests would be perturbed at the idea of not witnessing a "real" wedding. The only person we feel that really needs to be a part of this decision-making process is our chosen wedding officiant, a local minister, whose role would actually change based on this decision. Well, he and our mothers, who can practically smell when we're lying.

Best,

The Girl Who Never Went a Year of Her Life Without Getting Strep Throat

Dear Strep (and I'm very sorry about that, by the way),

Well first of all, don't lie to your families. Getting married and then lying about your status will not serve you well at all. Not only is this the sort of thing that is bound to get out and create all kinds of anger and sadness, there is no point to it. If you were in a Romeo and Juliet-type situation, there may be something to the whole secret marriage idea, but it didn't work particularly well for them, and I can't encourage it.

Having said that, there's nothing wrong with having a civil ceremony and following it up with a religious ceremony and traditional wedding reception. Ideally you'd let your parents know about your plans and if you possibly can, let them be present for the wedding. You aren't ruining anything by behaving practically and you can always emphasize the distinction between your two events by pointing out that your first wedding will be a strictly secular affair while your second one will be a religious ceremony. There are plenty of other ways you could pitch the emotional and spiritual significance and romance of next year's wedding while maintaining the practical importance of an earlier civil ceremony. (No mother would want her daughter to be uninsured because of a wedding). The only pitfall you could have is if you try to deny what you're doing. Your plan is sound. Don't be embarrassed.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:48 PM    <link>

CAN'T AFFORD BRUNCH?

Dear Elise:

My fiance and I, and my mother, to a lesser extent, are paying for our wedding in the spring. My fiance's mother is unable to contribute to any of the costs, which is fine, but we are running into a bit of a difficult situation in that we would like to have a post-wedding brunch, but neither we nor my mother will be able to finance another event. Is it extremely tacky to have a non-hosted brunch? I'm thinking it might be.

Thanks for any advice.

- Brunching Bride

Dear BB,

Simply stated: it is not a good idea to invite people to a party that they will have to pay for. There is no way to graciously issue this invitation and invariably people will show up, not realizing they were expected to shell out and wind up confused and possibly put out.

This does not, of course, mean that you have to give up on the whole brunch idea. Instead you should refine your plans. What can you afford to do? Could you manage a large-scale picnic-type event? There are a lot of ways to imagine an inexpensive brunch party once you take the whole sit-down meal out of the equation. An at-home buffet-style gathering could also be very affordable.

The bottom line is that you would like everyone to be able to get together, and this is possible even on a small budget as long as you reconfigure your expectations. See where revised thinking leads you and don't give up hope.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:12 PM    <link>

LANGUAGE ISSUES

Dear Elise,

I would truly appreciate your help with the wording on the wedding invitation for my son and future daughter-in-law. Here is an outline of circumstances and criteria, which need to be taken into account when wording the invitation:

The bride's father is living but her mother is deceased and the bride would like her mom's name to appear on the invitation.

The groom's parents are paying for the wedding but would like the bride's father's name to appear first with their names immediately following.

The bride and groom were recently married by the justice of the peace and have chosen to reaffirm their marriage vows with a nuptial mass in the church.

Help!

- Tangled Language

Dear Tangled,

There are a few ways you can handle all of this information but everyone will need to be flexible.

The first inclination, which is to list all of the parents as hosts could work out, and I have included an example below (obviously these are invented names). The only difficulty is that, clearly the bride's mother is no longer among the living and instead of honoring her name, it creates the awkward appearance that she is communicating from the Beyond:

Mr. Edwin Bison and the late Mrs. Maria Bison
and
Mr. and Mrs. Eric and Hannah Okapi
request the honor of your presence
at a nuptial mass for
Ms. Vanessa Bison and Mr. Edwin Okapi
OR
Mr. and Mrs. Edwin and Vanessa Okapi (depending on what your married names are)
Date
Time
Place

Another option is to have the invitation come "from" the bride and groom:

Ms. Vanessa Bison
Daughter of Mr Edwin Bison and the Late Mrs. Maria Bison
and
Mr. Edwin Okapi
son of Mr. and Mrs. Edwin and Vanessa Okapi
request the honor of your presence
at their nuptial mass
Date
Time
Place

Finally, you could omit the sense of the host at all. This is not particularly traditional, but might be more "natural" than the other language:

The honor of your presence is requested
at a nuptial mass for
Ms. Vanessa Bison
daughter of Mr. Edwin Bison and the Late Mrs. Maria Bison
and
Mr. Edwin Okapi
son of Mr. and Mrs. Edwin and Vanessa Okapi
Date
Time
Place
Reception to follow

Pursue these examples and see if you can find some language that suits all of your needs. It may take some tweaking, and remember to step back and make sure that your solutions don't imply anything odd (witness the first example offered).

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:32 AM    <link>

SHE GETS TO GO FIRST?

Dear Elise,

My question is not so much around etiquette as it is, well, what to do when timing is not on your side. My older sister and I (she is 30, I am 26) are both in long-term relationships. Earlier this summer my boyfriend and I started discussing marriage. He said he would get started on the ring search and that was that. As nothing was official, I kept this to everyone except a few girlfriends. About a month ago, my sister and her boyfriend started talking about marriage as well. Apparently, after their initial conversation, she told my parents, who immediately began planning. Although, my sister's boyfriend-cum-fiance hasn’t officially asked, and is in the same boat of looking for a ring, etc., they’ve booked a place and a date for next July.

Recently my boyfriend and I officially got engaged and we are wondering if we need to wait an additional year to book our date. We would like an outdoor wedding, for which summer is obviously ideal, but now think it may be impossible in terms of planning. Also, we have several overseas relatives, who I know will not be able to make it to two weddings in one year.

On top of this, and I hate to admit it, I feel a little resentful that I have to accommodate my sister instead of the other way around. Had I told my parents that my boyfriend and I were thinking of this when we first started talking about it, then I could go first, do it next summer, etc. Isn’t that awful? She is my sister and I love and am happy for her, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling.

So, what do you think?

Thanks,

- lil sis

Dear Lil' Sis,

The short answer is that you got engaged in a way that was comfortable for you and you shouldn't feel bad about not rushing into something early. Is your sister engaged now or not? An engagement doesn't require a ring, so for the purposes of this discussion we can leave all ring issues aside. Have she and her boyfriend decided to get married and have they selected a date or did your parents just move on this on their own? First, figure out if there is actually a wedding in the works. I am assuming that your sister is, in fact, engaged, and that your mentioning the absence of an engagement ring is not practically material.

Your sister does not get to commandeer a year for her wedding. She gets a day, or perhaps a weekend. She certainly can't claim the entire summer as hers, so there is nothing wrong with planning your wedding for a different weekend in June, July or August.

Will your parents insist you get married in the order in which you became engaged? If they feel strongly about this, you may want to take their feelings into consideration. Note that I said FEELINGS, because there is no law of modern etiquette that says siblings must marry in the order in which they became engaged. (While many, perhaps even most, do, such a rule wouldn't be practical.) At any rate, even if you don't feel comfortable getting married before your sister does, you can still get married in the summer.

One of the difficult aspects of scheduling any wedding is decide whether or not to accommodate the schedules of one's extended family and friends. Some people pick dates for nostalgic reasons, for reasons of convenience, in order to ensure the presence of important people. Your relatives are undeniably a factor you must take into consideration, in addition to a lot of things.

It is not wrong of you to feel put out about the fact that your plans now have become more complicated, but there isn't much more you can do. Understand that you don't have to wait an entire extra year to get married. You could compromise on your outdoor wedding plan or have it some time in the summer close to your sister's wedding so that maybe your relatives from abroad would still be around for a second celebration (though there may be philosophical issues with this plan). There are lots of possibilities and remember that there will always be people you love who won't be able to attend.

The best you can do is to plan your wedding with the information you have. You weren't ready to announce your engagement when your sister did, so don't feel bad about doing things in your own time. That can only stand you in good stead.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:11 PM    <link>

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