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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

SHE DOESN'T GET IT

Dear Elise,

My matron of honor is my best friend from high school. I have done a lot since I graduated and I've worked really hard. Right now I have a job I really like in a city a few hours away from my hometown. My friend is married now and has had a lot of different jobs. She also regrets that she didn't finish college. My sister still lives in the same town as my friend, so I travel to see both of them quite regularly.

Since my engagement, she has gotten rather clingy and demanding. At first it was great. She helped me keep my brain on straight while wedding planning and was generally very excited for me. She even helped me choose my wedding dress. More recently, though, things have changed. I have always had the intention to move back to my hometown some day because it is where I want to raise my children. My friend knows this, but she is pushing for me to move and has been starting to push for the move now. She used to say how much she missed me, but now she has gotten very aggressive and leaves long messages about how it is unfair of me to live so far away when she is lonely.

I've tried to respond kindly and gently, because I truly do miss her too! I told her that we might be able to move back in 5 years and she got angry because my timeline is much too long. I dread talking to her now.

I'm really at the end of my rope. I want to be where I am right now and not be guilt tripped every other day about how happy I am. Is there a way to explain to her that she can't be in charge of my life? She is my best friend, but trying to force me to move back to Pennsylvania is not the answer. I've tried everything that I know, but the angry phone calls and e-mails just won't stop.

- Downhearted Bride

Dear Downhearted,

This turn your relationship has taken is indeed off-putting. It is one thing to have to endure this sort of "when will you move home" prodding from one's family (who are practically programmed to utter those words periodically), and an entirely different and strange situation when a close friend feels the need to question your fundamental life choices.

This is not really a question of etiquette, but keep in mind that you won't gain any ground if you lose your temper with your friend. You also are probably not going to be able to convince her of anything, so don't think I'm going to offer up any magic words.

First, you have nothing to be defensive about. You have done nothing unreasonable in choosing to live where you and your fiance work and it is even better that you like where you're living. You have no reason to feel uncomfortable.

Now, when this comes up, before your friend has a chance to really get into any sort of argument, cut her off gently. Tell her that you love her and you understand her feelings but you are not going to move back to your hometown before it is time. You can add that these discussions are making you sad and uncomfortable and that you don't want to have them any more. Then you must follow up with action. The next time your friend introduces this lament about your living so far away, repeat that you can't talk about this any more, that you love her, but that you aren't going to move before you're ready and then change the subject.

This won't be easy and surely these discussions will have a clumsy feeling, but think of this as a behavior modification project. Eventually, your friend will understand that her gambit won't work and you will feel relieved that you don't have to have this fight.

Good luck and cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:35 PM    <link>

IS A SHOWER NECESSARY?

Dear Elise,

My boss's wife is having their second child in a couple of weeks. I work in a very small office, and my boss' wife does come in to the office regularly to do her own work for her own small business. I've never considered her to be a co-worker because we don't work in the same actual business together. Now: my boss made a comment to me and a coworker the other day that he noticed that we never had a baby shower for his wife and asked whether people hold baby showers for second babies. I responded that in my family, you only get one baby shower, and that's it.

Here are my questions:

1. Were we supposed to have a shower for her? I thought only friends and co-workers do that.

2. Am I now supposed to get them a gift or something for this baby? What are my obligations here?

Thank you kindly,

- Unclear On Baby Shower Rules

Dear Unclear,

Well, it does sound as if your boss was hoping for a party, but don't hold that against him. Perhaps he is feeling a bit left out of things. Maybe his wife got to attend a shower for their first child that was a women-only affair. Maybe he's worried that the office's decision not to have a baby shower for him or his wife is an indication of the office's larger feelings about him. There's no telling what he is thinking.

Your office is not required to have a shower to honor the arrival of your boss's second baby, however, you might want to think about making some sort of gesture for your employer's family. You could have a low-key office party with cake and whatnot and get your coworkers to sign a collective card and maybe a present for the new baby and something for the older child as well. This doesn't have to be anything elaborate.

All you are looking to do here is make a small gesture for your boss and his family. The office doesn't need to exert itself too much in terms of time and money. This is symbolic, and shouldn't tax anyone too much. A little cake, a heartfelt card and couple of presents are as far as you all need to go.

Shower protocols are very specific, and you're right that close friends and relatives or immediate co-workers tend to throw these things, though it could be argued that the baby is your boss's as well as his wife's and certainly worthy of his celebration as well. That said, you don't need to have a shower or feel too strongly the force of employee-employer obligation. Your boss and his wife will surely appreciate a more simple gesture and you won't have invested too much time or money so that you feel compromised.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:28 AM    <link>

HOW TO ASK ABOUT EXCHANGING

Dear Elise,

A good friend recently gave us our wedding gift. It is a large wooden bowl, which we have neither space nor use for. It's disappointing in a way because my friend and I are getting married within a few short months of each other (her wedding has already taken place) and we had discussed how much fun registries would be, especially the part about getting gifts we could actually use and give a genuine thank you for, rather than forcing one of those "Gee. This crystal bowl is so beautiful. You shouldn't have" responses. There was no gift receipt in the box. Is it legit for me to ask her for one?

Thanks

Don't Need It

Dear DNI,

It can be very tricky navigating friendships and practical interests when it comes to presents. On the one hand, you don't want things you can't use or store but on the other, you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings.

While it is true that you did have this conversation about not wanting to have to fake it in your thank you notes, think about the larger nature of your friendship. Would you feel comfortable telling her you can't use her present and need to exchange it or do you think that, in spite of your frank conversation, she would feel uncomfortable and hurt? Whether you can ask her for a gift receipt or not in this case depends entirely on your relationship.

Of course there is a chance your friend does not have a receipt for the gift. Perhaps she got the bowl under circumstances that won't permit exchanges (while she was traveling for instance), and indicating that you want to swap it will only make things embarrassing.

Use your judgment. As a general matter it is always better to preserve your friendship over a present, but if you feel comfortable with your relationship (that is, if you feel all right about her feelings, not if you feel capable of asking for a gift receipt without flinching) then you can think about asking how you can exchange the bowl.

Congratulations

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:18 AM    <link>

HOW MANY IS ENOUGH?

Dear Elise,

I was invited to a dear friend's bridal shower and brought a rather expensive gift (over $200) and then later to a couple's shower for the same bride and groom. For which I brought 2 more gifts.

Since I had been to two showers for the couple one month before the ceremony I did not bring a gift to the wedding. Have I made a mistake? I have always thought that the shower gift was also a wedding gift. But the mother of the bride called me after the ceremony to ask if I had brought a gift, since they did not find one from me and were worried it was lost.

Should I have brought a card to the ceremony? Is a shower gift separate from a wedding gift? Should one always bring a gift to the wedding even if one has already given gifts at other events? And if a wedding gift is indeed required then is the bridal shower gift supposed to be just something for the bride?

Please advise.

- Confused Guest

Dear CG,

You're caught in a strange gift-giving roundabout, so I'm sorry if this is all perplexing.

The general rule about showers is that one must bring a present. Showers are unusual parties in this respect. The entire purpose of the shower is for the guests of honor to get presents. For this reason, it is recommended that people not have more than two showers (barring extenuating circumstances such as an additional wedding shower at work or one in a distant hometown, that sort of thing) and also not have overlapping guest lists at these events. The point is to work hard not to make one's guests feel drained.

Shower presents can be just for the bride (as I suspect was your first gift) or for the couple (as were your second two offerings). This all depends on the nature of the events. As a general matter, shower gifts are smaller than wedding presents and these gifts are distinct from one another. So, yes, one could give shower AND wedding presents if one chose to. But guests are not to be milked for presents so you could also do what you did which is give more at the events that require presents.

Weddings are different. You are not required to give a present though many people feel there is a gift-giving mandate. What is polite, however, is to acknowledge the wedding somehow. So even if one doesn't give a present, one could send a card with a nice, handwritten note saying what a pleasure it was to see the wedding couple marry.

You can still send a card. It was not an oversight on your part not to show up at the wedding without a card. The chances your card would survive the reception are minimal, and it is not as if your friends will stop wanting to hear that you enjoyed their wedding.

Now, the person whose form is rather questionable is the bride's mother. There is absolutely no reason to call guests who did not produce wedding presents. That just looks like bullying. No one thinks the call comes out of actual concern that something got lost. In fact the only even remotely reasonable version of that call would be one in which your friend's mother were playing detective and trying to discover who gave a present that arrived with no card attached, which would make thank you note writing impossible. I suspect she was gently fishing.

What should you do now? The best bet would be to write a note to your friends letting them know what a pleasure it was to be at their wedding. If you're feeling too uncomfortable to just send a note, you could send some other small item, such as a book, to complement the gesture. (I say this with the caveat that there is nothing wrong with just sending the note. You have been very generous with this wedding.)

Finally, try not to let this be something that distances you from your friend or her from you. It should not be a bone of contention at all. Your friendship should be more substantial than the presence or absence of a wedding gift (especially after presents have already been given).

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:56 PM    <link>

HOW MANY IS ENOUGH?

Dear Elise,

I was invited to a dear friend’s bridal shower and brought a rather expensive gift (over $200) and then later to a couple’s shower for the same bride and groom. For which I brought 2 more gifts.

Since I had been to two showers for the couple one month before the ceremony I did not bring a gift to the wedding. Have I made a mistake? I have always thought that the shower gift was also a wedding gift. But the mother of the bride called me after the ceremony to ask if I had brought a gift, since they did not find one from me and were worried it was lost.

Should I have brought a card to the ceremony? Is a shower gift separate from a wedding gift? Should one always bring a gift to the wedding even if one has already given gifts at other events? And if a wedding gift is indeed required then is the bridal shower gift supposed to be just something for the bride?

Please advise.

- Confused Guest

Dear CG,

You're caught in a strange gift-giving roundabout, so I'm sorry if this is all perplexing.

The general rule about showers is that one must bring a present. Showers are unusual parties in this respect. The entire purpose of the shower is for the guests of honor to get presents. For this reason, it is recommended that people not have more than two showers (barring extenuating circumstances such as an additional wedding shower at work or one in a distant hometown, that sort of thing) and also not have overlapping guest lists at these events. The point is to work hard not to make one's guests feel drained.

Shower presents can be just for the bride (as I suspect was your first gift) or for the couple (as were your second two offerings). This all depends on the nature of the events. As a general matter, shower gifts are smaller than wedding presents and these gifts are distinct from one another. So, yes, one could give shower AND wedding presents if one chose to. But guests are not to be milked for presents so you could also do what you did which is give more at the events that require presents.

Weddings are different. You are not required to give a present though many people feel there is a gift-giving mandate. What is polite, however, is to acknowledge the wedding somehow. So even if one doesn't give a present, one could send a card with a nice, handwritten note saying what a pleasure it was to see the wedding couple marry.

You can still send a card. It was not an oversight on your part not to show up at the wedding without a card. The chances your card would survive the reception are minimal, and it is not as if your friends will stop wanting to hear that you enjoyed their wedding.

Now, the person whose form is rather questionable is the bride's mother. There is absolutely no reason to call guests who did not produce wedding presents. That just looks like bullying. No one thinks the call comes out of actual concern that something got lost. In fact the only even remotely reasonable version of that call would be one in which your friend's mother were playing detective and trying to discover who gave a present that arrived with no card attached, which would make thank you note writing impossible. I suspect she was gently fishing.

What should you do now? The best bet would be to write a note to your friends letting them know what a pleasure it was to be at their wedding. If you're feeling too uncomfortable to just send a note, you could send some other small item, such as a book, to complement the gesture. (I say this with the caveat that there is nothing wrong with just sending the note. You have been very generous with this wedding.)

Finally, try not to let this be something that distances you from your friend or her from you. It should not be a bone of contention at all. Your friendship should be more substantial than the presence or absence of a wedding gift (especially after presents have already been given).

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:56 PM    <link>

NO HARM IN INVITING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are looking forward to finishing our guest list, but there is this question about whether to invite our cousins. I believe that if we invite one cousin, we should invite them all. We are in agreement about this, which is great. His mother, however, thinks it is unnecessary to invite her nieces and nephews. Twice she has told me that this group should be excluded and I've smiled and said: "I understand how you feel, but we want to invite everyone. If they don't want to attend, they can send their regrets." I thought it was a non-issue, having made it clear what we want. But I just received an email that again told me that first cousins on their side would not be invited.

All of my cousins will be invited and attending. Weddings are a big deal in my family. I understand that may not be the case for my fiance's family. He is not close to many of his cousins. But we think we should include everyone. For those who do not want to come, they are under no obligation. My future mother-in-law has explained that people will feel obligated to send presents, so she insists we don't invite them. My fiance does want to invite 4 of his 12 cousins. Can we get away with inviting some and not others?

It seems like a silly thing to fight about. Should I just bite my tongue and let her limit the guest list? I don't want to come off as being too rigid or fussy. We have plenty of room to accommodate everybody. Additionally, a dozen of their friends and neighbors will be invited, so the family members are not trumping other people they want to invite. Should I just let this all go? My efforts are to have an inclusive, happy event. But if it causes unnecessary tension and arguments, my efforts will be in vain.

Sincerely,
- Guest List Woes

Dear Guest List Woes,

Well, you feel correctly that it really is best to be consistent with wedding invitations. Indeed, if you invite four first cousins, you should invite the rest. It is a bit odd to hand pick a few cousins and not invite the others, and it is also a bit odd that your future mother-in-law would be comfortable with the prospect of not inviting some of her own siblings' children. As a general matter, I tend to advocate an all or nothing approach when it comes to inviting distinct groups of people to weddings.

If your future mother-in-law truly is worried about the possibility that her nieces and nephews will worry about wedding presents, you can put her mind at ease by telling her that no one is at all required to give a present as an automatic response to a wedding invitation. You can tell her this.

If you were asking my advice about how to handle the cousin invitations, with all things being equal (in terms of your ability to accommodate a bunch of extra guests), I would absolutely advise you to include everyone.

Talk to your fiance and see if you can get him to be on board with you and then gently talk to his mother (together, if possible). It will help if you have his support. Just simply tell her that you really feel that it is important to be inclusive with the wedding guest list and since you are in the rare and lucky position of being able to include everyone, it would make you comfortable and happy to be able to welcome everyone and that you don't care whether or not they come or give a present.

I reiterate: a wedding invitation is not a demand for presents. To assume that it is turns a happy event into something mercenary and tiresome.

And if she remains completely obstinate, you could see if there is some other discomfort that makes her reluctant to deal with her siblings' kids.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:34 PM    <link>

ONCE MORE

Dear Elise,

Our children are planning our vow renewal ceremony and reception. One son is a pastor and will be our presiding pastor, while our daughter and older son will stand up with us. Do you think this proper? Also, since I was married by a justice of the peace with only our parents with us at our real marriage 50 years ago, would it be proper for me to wear a white and gold wedding dress? I wore an ugly green suit at the first ceremony. I suppose we will need to write some kind of vows for the occasion. What do you think?

Thank you,

- Excited

Dear Excited,

First, congratulations and felicitations are in order. How wonderful that you've been married for fifty years.

Now, this means that you can handle your vow renewal in whatever way suits you best. If you want to wear a white and gold dress, you're entitled (no matter what color you wore to your wedding). Beyond that, no one could question your plans. You can write your own vows if you like, but you could also work with your son if you would prefer some vow assistance, since, as a pastor, he may have some experience with these sorts of ceremonies.

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to celebrate an unquestionably great event.

Enjoy yourselves.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:03 PM    <link>

SKIPPING RESPONSE CARDS

Dear Elise,

I'd like to cut down on expenses and paper waste and have my guests RSVP and get wedding information on my wedding website. (I'll also include my phone number for RSVPs.) Is it tacky to do this? Not only do I not want to deal with managing all those little cards, but we're trying to save money on the invitations and cost of return postage. We're including our website in our save-the-date magnets and invitations, which has every bit of information about our wedding weekend that we can possibly think of. Is this an acceptable way to ask people to respond?

Thanks!

- Card-Free and Loving It

Dear Card-Free,

Skipping response cards is actually a very traditional thing to do. They're really a very recent invention. Before they came along, people were expected to write their own responses back to the hosts, indicating whether or not they'd be attending the wedding and reception.

So, by skipping response cards, you won't doing anything rude. However, you will have to provide a way for people to RSVP and make it very clear on your invitation that you do want to hear from them. (Under your "RSVP" notation you should then include a telephone number and email address and/or mailing address.)

Having said that, people are now so used to the response card that you may get some confused folks who don't realize they are supposed to call or write. This means there is a chance you will have to do more work tracking people's responses down when you fail to hear from them, but if you don't mind that possibility, you have nothing to worry about.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:53 AM    <link>

DOES SHE GET TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE TOO?

Hello,

My husband and I are divorced and he now has a fiancee; I have been remarried for two years.

My daughter's dad, my ex, has paid for everything for the wedding, which is marvelous, however, I wasn't allowed to make or help make any decisions for my daughter's wedding at all. My ex and his girlfriend (to whom he JUST became engaged) have made all the arrangements because they have money and I don't!

In the procession down the aisle, I know the groom's parents go first. I am to be seated last, before my beautiful daughter walks down the aisle. I just found out that my ex's girlfriend is being escorted by one of my sons after the groom's parents and just before me. Should she be escorted individually or shouldn't she just come in like all the other invited guests? I'm the mother, not her. Why should she have a special place in the procession? She is not related yet! She's not my daughter's mother!!!!!

Help!

- Mad Mom

Dear MM,

One of the difficult things about weddings, which are obviously happy occasions, is that they do dredge up all sorts of competitiveness and hard feelings that otherwise would rest, forgotten in the back of everyone's minds.

I am not at all going to diminish your discomfort, because those feelings are legitimate, but I am going to tell you that this processional has nothing to do with your daughter's feelings about you and it also has nothing to do with your being the mother of the bride. You are your child's only mother. She is an adult and while she may care about your former husband's future wife, that woman will never replace you.

Feeling as if you didn't get a chance to help plan the wedding may be difficult, but understand that this wasn't done to hurt you, and would you have been happy to have to be in contact with your ex-husband over wedding choices anyway? There are always a lot of last minute details, however, so you could and should ask your daughter if you can help her out in any way.

As for the processional, it sounds as if everyone is behaving quite well. Your ex-husband has paid for the wedding and it is not a hugely impertinent wish that his fiancee be included in the processional. Keep in mind that wedding processions are extremely flexible and there are very few fixed protocols. Even so-called "traditional" procession patterns are open to significant interpretation, so no one is bending or breaking hard tradition.

Really, making a protest about your ex-husband's fiancee will only create sadness and hostility at a happy occasion. This is something you do not want, especially since what is at stake is a short ceremonial performance that only serves to depict and seat your family. Your ex-husband's fiancee is part of the family whether or not her name is on a marriage certificate. It would be a hard and bitter gesture to try to muscle her out of a small role in the ceremony.

Now, would you rather walk down the aisle first? If you want to trade spots with her, you could ask your daughter, gently, if that would be possible. I only mention that as an option because you seem upset by the proposed order in which you'll be walked down the aisle. There are some advantages in going last, though, since you would be the last one to sit before the ceremony commences.

Anyway, I urge you to back off of this issue and let it go. No one is breaking with rules of etiquette by being inclusive in the processional and the fact that your ex-husband and his girlfriend are not yet married is not material. Don't let your old anger manipulate you on this happy occasion. You are happily married, your ex-husband is happily engaged and you will all get to see your daughter get married. This is a splendid occasion. Enjoy it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:43 PM    <link>

NO NO NO NO NO NO BRIDESMAIDS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are very non-traditional, atheist types. We've decided that the best way for us to throw our wedding would be to have the least amount of ceremony and the greatest amount of festivity possible. To that end, we only want to have the exchanging and witnessing of vows before we turn on the music and open up the dance floor and the buffet. I am averse to the idea of somebody walking me down the aisle, or even having an aisle at all. I am equally against the idea of having bridesmaids or groomsmen, and so is my fiance.

The trouble is that I've got a sister who's a year younger than I am, and my mother tells me that she will be heartbroken if she is not asked to be a bridesmaid/maid of honor. She's going to be singing at the reception, and she can help me plan and be as much a part of the wedding as she damn well pleases. I also have other friends who are taking it pretty much for granted at this point that they are going to be my bridesmaids.

My mother has heard my tirade against bridesmaids but insists that inviting someone to be one's bridesmaid is "the ultimate declaration of friendship", that I am expected to have bridesmaids, and that she will always be sad that one of my aunts did not invite my mother to be a bridesmaid in the aunt's wedding.

Sincerely,

- Not a Team Effort

Dear Not,

It is interesting that your friends and family are threatening to take decision not to have a wedding party personally, as if you were saying you had decided not to include THEM in a wedding party. Those are two very different things, indeed. You don't want to do something. There are lots of very good reasons why you may not want to do it, but this is one situation in which, yes, it is your wedding and you are entitled not to have a wedding party. Of course your wedding will be legitimate and you'll wind up saving a lot of money and time for everyone.

If your sister has reached adulthood, and being a year younger than you, I assume she has, she will understand that you are not rejecting her. You are rejecting the wedding party. If you want to give her another honor in addition to singing, you could give her what is usually a maid of honor task, and have her sign your marriage certificate as one of the witnesses.

Are you sure, by the way, that your sister is the one who would be heartbroken if you don't have a wedding party? It sounds, from your description, that your mother is extremely invested in this tradition. After all, she is still harboring sadness about not participating in her sister's wedding. That is, frankly, her own issue to deal with. Again, the circumstances are quite different since her sister apparently did have bridesmaids; she just chose to exclude your mother, which was a hurtful thing to do. Perhaps a tactical shift on your part is in order. Instead of going on a "tirade" or speaking loudly against bridesmaids generally, try explaining that in addition to your not wanting to take part in this tradition, you simply don't want to have to choose some friends over others.

If you don't want to do this, then don't. Different people find different traditions appealing or important as a general matter, and especially with weddings. Don't be bullied. All you have to do is keep repeating that you aren't rejecting anyone, that you aren't having a wedding party because you really feel like including everyone.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:27 AM    <link>

SHE WANTS TO COOK

Dear Elise-

My cousin just got married and had 60 guests. My mother and my aunt catered the event and are now busy planning to cater my wedding (for 200 guests!). The problem is, I don't want them to cater it and my mom won't take no for an answer! Not only will our wedding take places 4 states away, but my mom's health is failing and my aunt is in cancer remission. My mom continues to say she can handle it even though it is a way bigger wedding and she went straight to the hospital from my cousin's wedding.

Everything they do would have to be frozen and transported by plane, and we have a caterer friend in town who is willing to cater the event for the cost of food. Whenever I talk about her not doing it, she gets upset and says that she has to be involved somehow. How can I involve her if she lives far away and can't walk/drive? I was raised by my father, and my mom doesn't really know me that well. So, when she told me that they have a "big surprise" for me at the reception, it freaked me out b/c I know it's going to be awkward and not represent me or my fiance. How do I tell her to back off without compromising our already delicate relationship?

HELP!

- Unwelcome Helpings

Dear UH

Even if you were exaggerating the distance between your wedding location and your mother's kitchen and the actual state of your mother's health, you would be completely correct that this plan your mother has to cater your wedding is, to say the least, harebrained. She obviously has the best of intentions.

Find something else for your mother to do. It doesn't matter that you don't know her so well, and don't mention your fears about her surprise.

You do have time, so now is your moment to see if she can help you plan some things remotely. Could she help you pick your menu (as long as she promises not to make it)? Could she help you pick your dress or select flowers and other reception decorations? Could she make seating cards for tables? Maybe she could advise you on cake designs. There are so many little things you could offer her as ways in which she could be involved. If she has access to the Internet, you can always show her photographs and ask her opinions.

Stress to her that what is most important to you is that she be in good health and relaxed for your wedding and for that to happen, she can't be catering as well. Remind her that she will want to meet people and talk to them and it will be much too difficult if she is worried about the food on top of everything. Be firm and loving about this. Tell her you have already made plans for local catering because you care too much about her to have her going crazy on what should be a happy occasion.

Keep repeating how much you need her health and her advice and then ask her questions regularly. Tell your aunt about your decision as well and say you aren't going to change your mind.

Be patient and prepared to repeat yourself often but you are right that catering for 200 is nothing two women in questionable health need to take on.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:59 AM    <link>

BRUNCH DRESS

Dear Elise,

What should be worn to a brunch held the morning after a wedding? The wedding in question is black-tie and the brunch will be held in a beautiful, historic dining club.

- Stylishly Challenged

Dear SC,

This is an interesting question.

There are rules, especially for men's attire, which were once strictly observed for daytime affairs. Formal daytime attire for the groom, his wedding party and guests consists of a black or gray cutaway coat, black or gray striped pants, a gray waistcoat, white shirt and white tie.

Having said that, people no longer tend to have cutaway coats and have largely forgotten that tuxedos were not supposed to be worn before six o'clock in the evening.

As for women, attire suggestions are really quite vague. One does not need to wear a floor-length gown (which would be a little silly so early in the day). Instead one could choose a serious cocktail dress. By "serious" I mean, nothing with excessive sequins, nothing too short, nothing that screams "nightclub," nothing backless. The goal is to select something lively but proper and not excessively revealing. I do not particularly endorse J. Crew, and have not shopped there myself in memory, but you may want to look at the "weddings and parties" dresses on their web site for some inspiration. They're pretty safe and, as long as you stay away from white (very important), these are reasonable options. If dresses aren't your thing, a suit could do, as long as it is fancy and isn't one that has too much of the "nine am meeting in pinstripes" about it.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:31 PM    <link>

LAY IT ON THE LINE AND STOP NEGOTIATING

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I want a simple, Sunday afternoon wedding, with pre-recorded music, minimal flowers and basic food. Our only "splurge" is that we want to invite as many people as we possibly can. My parents have told me (and my friends have confirmed) that amongst their friends, while the bride's parents pay for most of the wedding, the groom's parents host a rehearsal dinner (size and budget completely their choice) and also pay for any guest they want to invite over a specific number that my parents say they can afford.

Money is definitely a concern, on both sides, and we are contributing as well. My parents still want to give us a beautiful wedding, and can't understand why my fiance's parents are so upset at the thought of having to pay for some of their own guests. This makes my parents resentful, along with my fiance (which has been disappointing to me). Another wrinkle is that my fiance's mom told my mom that she gave my fiance a very large gift of money 4 years ago because she thought he wouldn't get married, which he used for a down payment on his condo. My fiance tells me that it wasn't a gift, and that when we sell the place we will have to pay her back. I asked him to clarify with his mom, and she told him that it was an "investment" (we have to pay her back). This makes me even more upset that it seems that his mom is telling my parents things about finances that are simply not true. I am 34 years old and believe, as cheesy as it sounds, that I have found my soulmate. All I want it to spend the rest of my life with him and plan a simple celebration with our friends, with everyone contributing as they are able. I don't expect his parents to give more than they can, but it bothers me that they are balking at paying their share when it comes to their guests (forget a rehearsal dinner, I don't care about that.

Thank you in advance,

Frustrated and Sad

Dear Frustrated,

At this point you and your fiance's family should stop invoking "rules" of etiquette as they apply to wedding budgets. Traditionally, the bride's family paid for the entire wedding and reception and consequently they paid for the celebration they could afford. Instead of asking your future in-laws to contribute, if they are unwilling to do so, and trying to convince them that they should pay for their guests, stop the conversation.

Your parents know what their budget is. They should know how many people they can afford to host. Based on that number she should be able to tell your future in-laws how many people they can invite. That is the beginning and end of it. Your parents should not be expected to host an event they can't afford or go into debt, but they do need to make it clear to your future in-laws how many guests they can have. If your fiance's parents come back saying that they would like to pay to have a few extra people attend, your parents can accommodate them, if space permits. But the hey is to be firm. Give them a number and have them stick to it.

But for now, forget everything that is not immediately practical. Do not think about the loan or gift or whatever it was that your fiance's mother gave your fiance. Do not think about modern etiquette tweaks such as the ones your parents and friends invoke, and lay it on the line with your future in-laws. There is no particular policy about the groom's parents paying for guests that the bride's parents can't afford to include. That is a practical and useful choice, to be sure, but it is not a "rule," and implying that your fiance's parents should know this and obey it will not work in your favor. It is not unreasonable to set guest number limits, everyone does it. There is no reason to negotiate at this point because the money is finite.

The only confusion I can see here is if your parents told your fiance's parents that they would be expected to pay for all of their guests, and they in turn trotted out the traditional "bride's family pays" policy. If that is the case, you and your fiance can say that you would rather have them use the rehearsal dinner budget to pay for however many guests they want to include after your parents' budget is exhausted.

Be realistic about what the financial landscape it like and insist that both sides stop implying that the other is being cheap. Weddings can be expensive, and it eases everyone's burden for all sides to chip in, but if that is impossible, you'll just have to cut back on the guest list.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:05 AM    <link>

DON'T WANT ANYTHING. REALLY.

Dear Elise,

My husband and I are planning a non-traditional wedding celebration. We were married in a civil ceremony some time ago, and are just now getting around to properly celebrating it.

We have two children, and people were beyond generous when our children were born. We felt humbled and grateful for all of the gifts of time, money and baby stuff that came our way, and we really do not want wedding presents. It just makes no sense to us under the circumstances, and we really just want people to come and celebrate with us, if they are able. I assume that, just as it is not polite to put registry information on the invitation, so too it would be unwelcome to mention that we’d prefer no gifts. My husband has started a wedding blog, and has already stated there that we would not like presents. Is that any better? And if so, what would be a good way to put it?

Any suggestions welcome. Thank you!

- Feeling Awkward

Dear Feeling Awkward,

Not wanting presents is entirely reasonable, and you shouldn't think you're alone in not wanting them. Quite a lot of people share your feelings.

Difficulty arises when you try to do something concrete about this present issue. People rarely believe "no presents" requests because so often they discover that they were in the minority in not giving anything. Some people are almost incapable of attending a wedding or other nuptial event without giving a present, and asking them to refrain is likely to trigger panic attacks and hives.

As a general matter, mentioning presents, even the fact that one doesn't want them, is discouraged on invitations. Asking for things in exchange for an invitation seems mercenary, and even discouraging presents in print tends to make guests self-conscious and brings up the whole "do they really mean it?" question. The chances of people actually honoring your wishes are much better if you tell people directly that you don't want anything. Your guests will ask you if you are registered anywhere and you can tell them quite seriously that you really just want them to be present.

In addition, your husband can absolutely write about why you don't want presents on the wedding blog. Your feelings on this are gracious and happy and it is great that you can remind your community of friends and family about how they have supported you.

Be prepared for some presents, of course. There will be people who just want to give you wedding gifts and there's nothing you can do to stop them. Don't go overboard protesting the presents but feel free to make your feelings known, just not on your reception invitation.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:42 AM    <link>

FOOD AND ATMOSPHERE AND EXPECTATIONS

Dear Elise,

I'm getting married soon and we're finalizing the details. everything is going well except for the reception.

I've got my heart absolutely SET on this beautiful, Moulin Rouge inspired thing, full of dark, rich colors and a dark, rich band, and dark, rich desserts. Desserts, not a meal, not even appetizers: red velvet cupcakes with dark chocolate frosting and cream puffs and a chocolate fountain and all kinds of dark, rich offerings. This sounds absolutely wonderful to me.

The problem is that my fiance's side of the family seems to expect a full meal. The wedding isn't even going to take place during a common mealtime since our ceremony starts at 7pm. How do I tactfully let people know that there won't be a meal? Am I really allowed to just say in the invitation "dessert reception to follow"? Will people know what that means? Will they expect actual food anyway? My fiance's mother certainly seems to think so. It isn't that I'm opposed to non-dessert food; I'm just not sure what sorts of food would actually go with the theme and how much I should get and all of that nonsense. So what should I do?!?

Thanks!

Just Desserts

Dear Just Desserts,

In theory, one can have a dessert-only reception but you are in some tricky territory because your wedding is planned to take place exactly at a common dinner hour. Your guests will be quite hungry by the time your reception takes place (unless they are able to eat an extremely early dinner) and many people prefer not to eat an entire meal of desserts. (I am not one of those people, I should add. I could enjoy a dessert-riddled dinner, but would surely regret the effects such an indulgence would have on my dress size.)

If you are truly not opposed to serving a meal, you should think about dinner possibilities. Since the French at the turn of the century (19t h into 20t h) were famous for their food, you could probably come up with something "authentic" from the Moulin Rouge's heyday, but you could also go with something simpler and more modern. Think about autumn dining, or even holiday meals for inspiration. Roasted meat and poultry dishes have can feel luxurious. Alternatively you could serve "heavy" appetizers that also have the intense, "dark" sensibility you are looking at.

As for quantities, a quick conversation with an event planner or your caterer will help you figure out what to serve and how much food you'll need. serve.

If you are truly set on a dessert reception, you'd be best off changing the time of your reception so that it is either before the dinner hour or afterwards. Should you take this route, it is still a good idea to include language along the lines of what you suggest ("dessert reception to follow") in your invitation, just to avoid confusion.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:44 AM    <link>

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