archive
----------
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008

You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
- Simon & Schuster
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble

Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Sunday, November 30, 2008

WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE DANCE

Dear Elise,

I'm recently engaged, and while planning our wedding I've run across a slight setback. My father and I stopped talking for several years and we've just recently started talking again. Although I am planning on inviting him to the wedding I will not be having him walk me down the aisle. Instead I'm having my 3 year-old son escort me. I really don't know how to go about the father/daughter dance. My father has not made much of an effort in being back in my life. Should I wait and see how it goes? Do I nix the whole dance? Do I dance with someone else? I've also thought about dancing with my son during the mother/son dance. Would that be appropriate? I'm afraid of hurting my father's feelings. I'm also afraid I'll be taking the spotlight away from my fiance and his mother, I know he's looking forward to it. What do you suggest?

- Confused Bride

Dear Confused,

On the easy side, there are no dance requirements you must follow, so don't go around operating under the assumption that you must have a dance with your father or risk enormous scandal. All you have to do is figure out what would be best for you, your fiance and your son.

You do have plenty of time to sort these things out. You can ponder this situation at your leisure almost up until the day of your wedding, so take the pressure off and see how your relationship with your father sorts itself out. Chances are, if you are feeling awkward and uncomfortable, he would be as well. He may be happiest if you treated him as a regular "civilian" guest, which sounds like it would be your ideal situation as well.

If you do opt to skip the father/daughter dance, you should plan the individual dances so that there is nothing to indicate that a dance is missing. Maybe this means that you only have two or three "special" dances (bride and groom, bride and her son, groom and mother of the groom) after which everyone else gets up to fill the dance floor so that there is no weird lull. (To do this you may want to prime some key guests or members of the wedding party to get up as soon as the last special dance is over.)

So think about your options and take your feelings into account. You don't need to force anything for the sake o appearances, especially since your relationship with your father is precarious. See where the months before your wedding take you and know that you can plan to include or exclude the bride/father of the bride dance. If you don't make a big deal out of it, other people won't be inclined to.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:51 AM    <link>

DON'T WANT SO MUCH HELP

Dear Elise,

Before I became engaged, I told a friend that she would be included in the wedding planning when I got married. Since the engagement, though, I feel that she and I have grown apart and I have closer friends that I want to help me. When we get together, my friend still sometimes mentions the things she is excited about planning. I'm not going to have bridesmaids (just a maid of honor), so I don't know how to include her. She is very sensitive and we have a lot of mutual friends, so I want to avoid upsetting her and creating an awkward social situation. What can I say to her?

- Afraid to Hurt Feelings


Dear Afraid,

A friend of yours actually wants to help you plan your wedding? This is a rare spirit indeed, and it is, of course, ironic that someone so unusual would decide that the perfect person to assist is someone who does not need her energies.

Clearly several things are going on. You are feeling some distance from your friend and don't want to spend so much time with her. The key to making this situation palatable for everyone is to allow yourself to be friends with this woman in a more neutral fashion, separate from your wedding. The fact that you aren't having a large wedding party works in your favor because it creates something of a "low-maintenance" affect, and you may genuinely not need that much planning help.

Beyond that, are there things that you plan on asking other people to do that she could do as well? Are you looking for a lot of assistance generally? If you are, then to keep her from feeling excluded from the larger group, it would be good to try to include her in some of the things your larger group of friends are doing for you.

On the other hand, if you don't really need help, you don't have to have it from anyone. In this case simply act like a regular civilian who isn't planning a wedding. Don't talk to her much about it. Don't indicate you need help. Don't ask for much advice.

You aren't obliged to involve her deeply in your wedding planning, but it would be wise to tread easily on her feelings so that she doesn't wind up feeling excluded. That is the extent of your responsibilities. If she asks about specific things she wants to do, don't be coy, just let her know if she can pitch in or if you won't be needing help. As long as you're gracious, and include your friend when it makes sense, you should be in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:00 PM    <link>

THIS ISN'T WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN

Dear Elise,

My brother met a girl almost 6 months ago and are now engaged. When he announced his engagement to me, I said to him, I'll have to look for a dress. (I was looking to see what he would say about me being a bridesmaid.) He said: "Why would you need to find a dress? You are going to be a bridesmaid." When I suggested that his fiancee might not want me to be one he said: "Of course you will be one, you are my only sister and it is my wedding too and I want you in it. You want to be in it, right?" My answer was of course.

This is something that I have always known. When I get married, he would be a groomsman and when he got married, I would be a bridesmaid. (My brother and I are extremely close). Now I have just found out that they have selected the bridal party and I am not included. I can't even put into words how incredibly hurt I am. My brother mentioned to my mother that they probably want me to do a reading. I don't want to come off like a baby but I still can't push aside the hurt feelings that I am totally blaming on her. Because of that, I don't want to do a reading and just be treated like a guest. How do I say no?

- Hurt Sister

Dear HS,

Your question focuses on the wrong part of the situation. The crux of this problem is not that you don't want to do a reading at your brother's wedding. The issue is that you don't understand why you weren't asked to be a member of the wedding party. Your confusion and disappointment are understandable, but you should accept them and try to wrestle with them.

You say that you and your brother have a good relationship. Why not approach him and ask why you weren't included in the wedding party? Is there some reason you couldn't be included on his side with the groomsmen? Having co-ed wedding parties is far from unusual. What is more to the point, you and your brother have already had a conversation about his expectations that you would be in the wedding party. Perhaps he is embarrassed and hoping you won't notice, but you really should discuss this. Remaining silent and hurt is only going to haunt you.

Once you have an answer, you can then decide if you feel like doing the reading or not. If you really don't want to do it, just tell your brother that you're much more comfortable sitting that one out as a regular "civilian." You are right that people often hand off the reading duties as a way of honoring people who are not in the wedding party. This only works well if the potential readers don't feel they are getting slighted in some way. As you do. (Word to the wise: don't be a dolt and tell someone he or she will be in the wedding party and then try to swap out honor jobs without some sort of explanation.)

Opting out of reading is easy, but for your own sake, have a word with your brother and see what is going on.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:39 AM    <link>

FAMILY LIMITS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have recently started to talk about our guest list and are trying to keep it small and intimate (under 75). We are convinced that all of this wedding brouhaha is really a conspiracy to spend ridiculous amounts of money. So, I am considering not inviting my Dad's family to the wedding.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler and my sister and I were raised by my mother. Until I was 13, we would visit my Dad's family once a year and talk on the phone occasionally. My Dad passed away almost six years ago. I have never been particularly close to them. The only ones I really correspond with regularly are two aunts, my grandmother and one cousin. I could invite the two aunts, grandmother and cousin but I'm terribly worried that there will be an avalanche of ill will because, even if I do invite these them, I wouldn't be inviting their children, and many of my aunts, uncles, cousins would not be invited. I feel as though it's an "everyone or no one" situation.

I get invited (I suspect out of family obligation) to my cousins' weddings all the time. (I've never attended). My Dad's family is very traditional and even sent my sister nasty "anonymous" mail when she and her fiance decided to do a honeymoon registry instead of a traditional one. No one from our Dad's side of the family attended her wedding.

With our wedding, we have made a promise to ourselves to not do anything out of obligation or because some wedding book tells us to. This is an occasion to celebrate with people we love, not throw a party and cast the widest net. What is the best way to gracefully handle this? Post-wedding annoucements? Pre-wedding caveats?

- Family Foe

Dear Family Foe,

You may very well be in an "everyone or no one" situation, when it comes to your father's side of the family. You could, of course just invite your grandmother without having to deal with any backlash from excluding aunts and uncles (beyond the two you actually want to see). And of course if you do get quizzed by your father's relatives, you can always say that you're having a very very small wedding (don't supply actual numbers).

If you do exclude your father's family, the people whose feelings are most in danger are your grandmother, your two aunts and your cousin. If you feel comfortable, you could explain that you are terribly limited in terms of your guest list and that you can't invite the whole clan, so that the only fair solution is to not invite them and celebrate with them separately on another occasion. This might be harder for your grandmother to understand than your aunts and cousin, but of course, this depends on your grandmother's temperament. She might have a practical streak and be absolutely happy with your solution.

As for everyone else, you would be perfectly safe if all you did was send out a wedding announcement after the fact. If anyone grouses about getting an announcement in connection with wedding presents, you can tell them that you know very well that etiquette never requires a present in exchange for an announcement and say you just thought they'd like to have heard the news.

As for the question of obligation, there is an enormous difference between "casting the widest net" and having a wedding where many of the guests are people to whom one is somehow obliged. This is why you wrote in, after all. In deciding how you need to limit your guests, whether this means inviting only your father's mother, or only your father's mother and his siblings, or all of your first cousins and your paternal aunts, uncles and grandmother or none of this group, you are testing how best to handle family obligations. Keep in mind that you are looking to take care of everyone's feelings, including your own, so even deciding not to invite this crowd is a still a carefully considered, thoughtful choice.

See what makes the most sense and feels most natural to you. Often, the best decisions are the ones that present themselves as being the easiest to explain and understand.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:02 PM    <link>

HALF-SISTERS YES, DAD LESS SO

Hi,

My parents are divorced, and father remarried. He now has two children, aged 10 and 11. My father and I do not have a good relationship, and I can't stand his wife. However, I would love to include my half-sisters in my wedding. Any tips on how to accomplish this? My mom will be walking me down the aisle or I will walk alone.

Thanks!

- Confused

Dear Confused,

Are you wondering if you can contrive to have your half-sisters in your wedding party while not including your father and his wife in the ceremony? If so, then pack your fears away. Given your relationships with your father and his wife, it can only be taken as a happy gesture that you want their kids to participate in your wedding with you. You are under no obligation to have your father walk you down the aisle, and it is certainly not uncommon for women to walk alone or skip an aisle entirely.

But if you are wondering if you can somehow include your half-sisters in the ceremony while not inviting your father and his wife to your wedding at all, that is another story. This would create very hard feelings, since it would be an active, aggressive demonstration of the animosity you have towards your father and stepmother, and you would be trying to deny them the pleasure of watching their kids enjoy participating in your wedding.

A wonderful and terrible thing that happens regularly with weddings is that one is inevitably offered "high road/low road" choices. While it is terribly tempting to take the more base, instantly gratifying low road, remember that your life goes on after the wedding. In your case, you'll be in much better shape if you score points for inviting your father and his wife, along with the girls you actually want to see.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:52 AM    <link>

INVITATION INSERTS: AM I A SPECIAL CASE?

Dear Elise,

I'm having a lot of problems trying to figure out whether or not my fiance and I should "cross the line" and be "rude" to include an insert in our invitations regarding wedding gifts. We live in Australia and I'm Chinese (Australian born) and he's white Australian. We're permanently moving to the United States a month after we get married and we are only taking the bare essentials with us. So it will be impossible for us to deal with large wedding gifts.

On top of that, the Chinese culture for wedding gifts is money stuffed into a lucky red packet instead of actual gifts. I know it's rude to explicitly mention gifts/money in wedding invites, but I don't want our guests to go to the trouble of buying gifts and then us having to leave those gifts behind! Instead, we'd rather use the money to set up our life overseas.

Both our families and our friends are very relaxed and I don't think most of them would be insulted to get a money request insert in the invitations. They're all also fairly reasonable, and "culture" and "migration" would seem to suggest that money would be the most appropriate gift (if they choose to give one). On top of that, the word-of-mouth thing won't work with our families/friends, they're all very independent and if we don't specifically mention our money preference in the invites, we'd end up with zillions of gifts to be left behind.

Thanks for your help,

- Stuck!

Dear Stuck,

You have offered a bunch of very practical reasons why feel you can, indeed should ask for money in your wedding invitations.

But if you're looking for me to condone this gesture, I'm afraid I have to disappoint you. It is reasonable not to register for your wedding if you don't want any non-monetary presents. It is reasonable to tell anyone who asks that you want cash presents.

What is problematic is that putting a cash request in your invitations- no matter how relaxed you believe your audience to be or how obvious your preference or even need for cash presents is- creates the unfortunate impression that people really need to "pay" to attend your wedding.

Wedding presents are tricky no matter how much control you try to exert. Ultimately, people will do what they want to do. Maybe this will correspond with your wishes, and maybe it will have more to do with what they want to give you.

You may have decided that no matter what I say you have to send out cash requests in your invitations, and if that is the case, there is nothing I can say. If you want my advice, however, I would say that the best approach would be one in which you exert yourselves. Tell people directly and individually what you need and don't rely on an invitation insert. If you or your fiance or your families know your guests well enough to invite them, you (collectively) know them well enough to explain your situation personally.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:42 PM    <link>

WEDDING INVITATION VS. AFTER THE FACT PARTY INVITE

Hi Elise

My fiance and I are lucky to have many friends, but unfortunately there is no way we can invite them all to our wedding. I thought that people understood that the wedding was going to be a small-ish affair (75 people was the bare minimum we could get away with), but I think that some (not invited) friends think they will be invited. We are planning to invite everyone we couldn't invite to our wedding to a barbecue the day after we get married at our house. I know we should be honest with people about this and I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Do you have any suggestions for wording of the post-wedding bbq invitations? They will probably mostly be sent out via email or Facebook messages. Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

Thanks

- Afraid to Disappoint

Dear AtD,

First, you should address your concerns about friends who think they will be invited to your wedding, but who you can't include on your guest list. Have they told you that they expect to be invited? Have they said things that indicated that they are planning to attend? If so, you need to enlighten them directly. The best approach is to say that you are having a very small wedding and you can't invite everyone you'd like to include, but that you are having this barbecue the next day so that everyone can celebrate together. Don't hedge or sidestep this one. Be very clear.

As for people who have said nothing and made no indication of their expectation, you can just send the barbecue invitation and if there is any confusion you can correct people as questions come up.

Your invitation should be clear that this is a post-wedding party. Don't include any of your wedding details on it. There is plenty of traditional language for print invitations of this sort, though you are under no imperative to use it. One version of the traditional format looks like this:

Bride's name and Groom's Name
request the pleasure of your company
at a reception [or barbecue or party or your word of choice]
to celebrate their wedding.

Date
Time
Place
RSVP

As a general matter, I tend not to recommend using social networking sites like Facebook for party invitations for which you want potential guests to respond. If you don't care, then something so informal could work for you, but I think a direct email is a safer (from the perspective of knowing that your invitation actually got to people), more personal approach to take.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:27 AM    <link>

SETTING COUSIN LIMITS IS HARD

Dear Elise,

I have recently become engaged and I have started to think about the invite list for our wedding. I have an enormous family while my partner has a tiny one.

I would love to invite everyone but unfortunately my family alone comes to nearly 200 people and this is too much for us to afford. So, we decided to just invite my close family, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

You have suggested that if I don't invite my cousins then we can't invite my partner's cousins, but if we invite every member of his family, the total number of people is less than half the number of family members I plan to invite. My partner is very worried that his family will feel dwarfed as it is, and this is aside from the fact that he is very close to his cousins and would be upset if they couldn't come.

Is there any way this can be dealt with, without causing offence?

- Fecund Family

Dear FF,

Well, you know best how this would work for you. The recommendations I make are based on a practical application of traditional etiquette, and it certainly does make sense to treat families equally. Family imbalance is not an unusual thing, but it is important to keep in mind that wedding guest lists should not be thought of as popularity indexes or fertility indicators. Your fiance's family has no reason to feel awkward or embarrassed about its size.


In your case you have a complicated set up and only you really know whether your extended family is likely to hear about it if your fiance's cousins are invited while they are not. Are there ways of finessing your family's roster? Could you only invite relatives as close as first cousins and cut out the second cousins and more extended relatives?

At this point, you are stuck with hard numbers and a practical decision. If your large family is distant, perhaps it would not be so difficult to invite only immediate relatives, but if your first cousins are likely to be offended (or if their parents, your aunts and uncles are), you may want to try to imagine a way to include at least your first cousins on the guest list. Take counsel with yourself. You know that the best plan is to treat both sides equally, and I can't promise that straying from that path will be easy or "safe," but if you feel comfortable excluding some members of your family while inviting the corresponding relatives on your fiance's side, then there is a chance you aren't doing anything risky.

Generally, the best approach is to set clear limits and to be inclusive within those parameters. If you are still worried about your fiance's family being overwhelmed by the size of yours, perhaps they could invite a few more friends to help balance out the sides, but really, it is not strange for some families to be larger than others, and the flip side is that they won't have nearly so many social pressures weighing on them in the days around your wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:03 PM    <link>

TINY WEDDING, PARTY BEFOREHAND?

Dear Elise,

I am getting married several states away from my hometown this coming August, and most of my family lives in and around Michigan. The majority of my extended family will not be invited to the wedding (we are keeping it a small affair), and while my grandparents will be invited to the wedding, I already know that because of their health, traveling cross-country is not going to be possible for them.

Because of this, my mother wants to have a reception when my fiance and I visit near Christmas. I think this is a great idea, particularly since my grandparents haven't met my fiance yet, and neither have any of my relatives other than my parents. So it'll sort of be a combination engagement party/pre-wedding reception.

I worry that many of my relatives will want to give us gifts on this occasion. This is great and all (who doesn't love presents?), but I worry that they will be offended when they are not invited to the wedding. Is this a total faux pas? My mother has already started spreading the word that our ceremony and reception are going to be very small (and far away), but I'm stressing a little nonetheless. Is there any particularly good way for Mom to let people know the full situation, and leave it up to the relatives whether they still want to give gifts or not?

Yours,

- Treading Lightly

Dear TL,

You are right to have concerns, especially given the mini-trend of people having enormous numbers of wedding showers that leave guests confused about their present-giving obligations.

You are actually not in bad shape at all when it comes to this holiday pre-wedding party. Even with engagement parties, the more time there is between the party and the wedding, the less strict obligation there is to invite all of the engagement party guests to the wedding. This is especially the case with destination or out-of-town weddings. Remember, an engagement party is not the same thing as a shower. Guests are not required to show up with a present.

On top of that, if the party is billed not so much as an "engagement party" but more as a holiday event with your fiance making a special guest appearance, there is even less pressure to invite everyone. Advise your mother to let people know if they ask that you are having a very small wedding out of town, but that you and she are both so happy to have a chance to introduce your future groom to everyone.

Have a wonderful party and wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:35 PM    <link>

Home | IndieEtiquette | Kvetch | Links | IndieMom | Books | Essays | Interviews | Columns
Our Vow | Trousseau | Indieblog

Contact us | Press | Submissions | Email updates

Copyright 2008 Indiebride.com
Reproduction of material from any Indiebride pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.