archive
----------
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008

You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
- Simon & Schuster
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble

Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Monday, December 29, 2008

THEY HAVE THE WRONG IDEA

Dear Elise,

I was invited to the wedding of a good friend from college whom I hadn't seen in awhile. After I attended his wedding, he went to mine several weeks later, and so did a group of our mutual friends from college (who hadn't been invited to his wedding). His wedding was small and quiet, mainly family.

I, of course, did not discuss having gone to his wedding with our mutual friends. One of my friends found out and attacked me, accusing me of creating a conspiracy as if I was something special and that I was keeping my attendance at his wedding a secret to highlight the fact that he invited me and not them (the exact opposite of what I had attended).

This turned into an ugly scene in my home immediately after the reception where I was actually putting up this friend. She and another "friend" have not spoken to me since the wedding, and I felt so hurt.

Was I wrong not to tell them I had attended? I felt to do so would be to sound like I was bragging, and that it was just rude to discuss something to which they hadn't been invited, so I just didn't bring it up, and quite frankly, I was focused on MY wedding! Were my friends wrong to attack me in such a way? I thought it was obvious that one doesn't discuss events in front of others who weren't invited. Was I impolite while trying to be polite? Every time I think of my wedding, I remember my friends attacking me and not talking to me again.

- Ruined Wedding

Dear Ruined,

Your friends seem to have a lot of idle hours in which to conjure insults and silly affronteries. Really, I am tempted to tell you to send to me on Tuesday afternoons so I can fill their time with necessary chores and bits of research. The only thing stopping me is that I don't think I could stand to be around them.

In short, you are right that one should not trumpet one's invitations (to weddings or anything else) to people who were not invited. The reasonable behavior of reasonable people should be obvious: gloating about invitations to people who did not get them is bound to make people feel slighted or at least uncomfortable.

Having said that, one shouldn't lie or twist oneself into all sorts of knots to deny that one has been invited to something or other. The whole point of the policy is to tread lightly and respect people's feelings.

Moving on, what sort of conspiracy did your friends imagine you and your other friend were committing at his wedding? Did they think he invited you for the express purpose of plotting against them at his nuptials? Perhaps their feelings are hurt because they were left out of the happy occasion. Those are legitimate, non-insane feelings to have, but they have lost a crucial sense of perspective. A wedding invitation is not always the test of a friendship and the fact that someone else was invited doesn't mean that she is harboring any ill will or conspiring or doing anything unpleasant.

Even if these women had a problem with your not having mentioned that you attended the wedding, they were wrong to attack you and they were foolish for not simply saying that your silence on the subject made them feel weird or hurt or whatever it was they were feeling. And they were certainly ridiculous to monopolize your wedding day with this chatter.

So, you were not wrong, unless you lied or got weird with them, in which case you may have owed them a simple apology. Your friends were at least temporarily unreasonable and childish, but if they are still not speaking to you, I think the best thing to do is to recast your thoughts on the matter. You got married and on that day you were able to extricate yourself from a couple of friendships that were guaranteed to rot slowly if they had continued. In this case a swift break may not have been the worst thing.

Congratulations and cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 12:13 PM    <link>

THE LAPSES OF OTHERS

Dear Elise,

My aunt is hosting a bridal shower for her daughter and has invited my mother, sister, and me. According to their wedding website, however, my cousin and her fiance are not registered anywhere, since they will be moving abroad right after the wedding. We have declined the shower invitation since the party is so far away. I have a few questions. 1. Is it considered acceptable etiquette nowadays for the mother of the bride/expectant mother to host a bridal/baby shower? 2. Is a guest obliged to send a gift even if s/he does not attend a shower? 3. What type of gift would a guest be expected to bring to a shower like this? Money? Am I off base in thinking that this is a little weird and maybe even a bit gauche?

On a completely different topic, my husband received a holiday card today from a married couple who are friends of his from college. Only my husband's name was written on the envelope. My husband and I have been married for a year and half, and this couple should know this since they attended our wedding. I feel pretty snubbed right now and this isn't the first time that a friend or family member of my husband's has "forgotten" to put my name on the envelope. (The other two instances of omission were invitations for a wedding and a Bar Mitzvah.) What do you think is the appropriate response on my (and my husband's?) part, should this annoying trend continue?

Thanks a lot for your input.

- Wondering What the Hell is Wrong with People?

Dear Wondering What the Hell,

In the spirit of the season, I am going to advise you to take a deep, deep breath and then quickly and firmly exhale, letting go of as much of the pique and queasiness you've been harboring about these things as possible. Yes, there have been some comportment irregularities and true dopiness, but keep in mind that correcting people's etiquette lapses tends to be as unfortunate as the error itself. Instead, look towards making adjustments that will make the future more tolerable.

So, you have questions. Indeed, bridal showers are generally thrown by friends or less direct relatives of the bride, expressly to dissuade people from thinking that the bride and her immediate family are rather mercenary. Surely, though you aren't thinking of pointing this out to your cousin or her family. If you are entertaining such thoughts, stop immediately. Saying anything will make you look pompous. It may be that your cousin has no one else who will throw a shower for her, and she dearly wants to have it.

The absence of a registry doesn't automatically mean that there is an imperative to give your cousin a cash present (though this is often what people who don't register hope that people will understand). If there is something you feel like giving, or if you would like to send some token cash (perhaps pooling with your mother and sister), you would certainly be in the clear. Generally, one is not obliged to give presents if one is invited but can't attend a shower, but since this is your family, you may want to make the gesture (and you could either send money or some small or portable item, given the impending move). It doesn't have to be grand by any means.

The holiday card business is another story. Yes, it was a lunk-headed, dim even, to leave your name off the envelope, and it is a little alienating, but when it comes to holiday cards, remember that most people address their cards in haste, at off hours, between bouts of holiday shopping or while they're idling in front of less-than-ideal television programming. They are bound to make stupid mistakes. This doesn't mean you can't gently correct the oversight. Send an email or talk to these people yourself and let these folks know how much you liked the card. If you deliver the message yourself they may realize that they have let you off the envelope (they may also have no idea of the oversight). The invitations offer a different problem. When faced with one of these addressed only to your husband, he should call the friends in question and ask them if you are invited to the event because your name did not appear on the envelope. Presumably you want to know if you're actually welcome and asking will be enough of a correction to the people who left you of the envelope that they need to brush up on their invitation format.

You've dealing with a lot of people who don't really know what's what. They're frustrating, but not actually malicious. The only thing to do is to gently prod them and hope that you can get them a little more in gear.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:30 AM    <link>

I WANT OUT OF THIS

Elise,

About 8 months ago, my good friend became engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid. Six months earlier, she was one of my bridesmaids. For years we were great friends, but lately, she never seems to return my phone calls or e-mails. I feel silly being a bridesmaid for someone I don't even feel like is a friend any more. She finally called a month ago and made a reference to my job, which I haven't had for months! I'm not sure she even knows where I'm living.

I have moved across the country with my husband, and due to the move have not found a job in my field yet. Obviously, we're under a bit of a financial strain and the cost of flights to my friend's wedding is worrying me. I don't want to go into debt to fly cross-country to attend this wedding!

Additionally, I don't know any of her other bridesmaids and they are all good friends, I feel I would be an awkward element in the mix. Finally, we are hoping to become pregnant by the time the wedding takes place (I would be in the first/second trimester if all works out). I know it's silly to cancel plans on what "could" happen, but adding all of this up and I realize I'm not comfortable being in or attending the wedding.

Is there any way to back out of this wedding, or is backing out in any form poor etiquette, as I fear?

-Worried

Dear Worried,

You have quite a list of objections to participating in this wedding percolating. While it is fine for you to have all of these elements in your mind, it sounds a bit as if you're protesting too much when you list them (your friend has seemed distant in recent months, you are worried about finances, you don't know or want to get to know the other bridesmaids, you want to get pregnant. This last excuse doesn't speak at all to whether you would or would not attend a wedding. Many people travel while pregnant if they feel comfortable and if their medical providers sign off on it.) Whatever you do, if you're interested in your friend's feelings, don't enumerate this list.

The real issue with your attending the wedding appears to be financial, and there is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and your friend about this. Now is the time to talk to your friend. Don't leave a message; don't write an email. Call her and explain to her how sorry you are that you don't feel you can take on the bridesmaid responsibilities given the fact that you live so far away and currently have no source of income.

Tell her now, so she has time to plan around you and if you care about the friendship, continue to ask questions about her plans and be supportive. It is never easy to do this, but your reason, that one reason, is sound. Being a bridesmaid is expensive, as is travel, so your concerns are legitimate. But don't mention all of your other concerns; listing them will have the curious effect of making you sound as if you care less about her, not more.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:13 PM    <link>

I CAN'T TAKE THEM BACK

Dear Elise,

We were just informed yesterday that our son's fiancee would like to postpone the wedding. No date has been decided on. She just postponed with less than two weeks before the wedding! I just purchased their honeymoon for an all-inclusive resort three days before this happened. I was able to redeem the hotel and taxi service from the airport to the hotel and back to the airport, but am unable to redeem the flights of $1300.00. Who should incur that cost? This is too much money to lose.

Thanks,

- Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom,

First, a practical interlude: please check to see if these plane tickets can be exchanged or transferred or manipulated in some way so that they can eventually be used by someone to fly somewhere. Call the airline and keep talking to ticketing people and managers until some sort of situation can be figured out. There may be a fee for ticket reassignment. More on that later. (Given the season, I would suggest you call the airline ticket office early in the day before these poor people get swamped with angry calls from travelers whose flights have been canceled for weather problems or bumped due to overbooking.)

Now, you are asking about responsibility. You presumably purchased these tickets as a present for the newlyweds, and I suggest you treat them as you would any other gift. Give these tickets to your son and tell him they are his to do what he wants with them. If he and his fiancee want to go to the resort anyway, they are free to do so. If your son wants to go on his own or with a friend, he can have at it. If he would rather go some other time, he is responsible for the reticketing fees.

You have been extremely generous and now is the time to treat the present as if it were an object you are giving away. Maybe it will be used for some purpose you didn't intend. Maybe it will be exchanged for something else. It doesn't matter. Your work is done.

And now, no matter when the wedding happens, you will have already taken care of your present and are off the hook for the future.

I'm sorry you're facing this at all, and the fact that it has hit you in a hectic crowded season is just the cherry on top, but a couple of telephone calls should let you sort out a solution.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:45 AM    <link>

NO BIG RECEPTION

Dear Elise,

I'm from the UK and my visa to stay in the UK with my fiance was running out so we decided to have a small quick wedding in Italy with only 9 guests in the beginning of October. Some friends and family wanted to attend but I told them to wait because we would have a BIG wedding next year. Well, now after much debate, we've decided not to have the second wedding and just save the money. Now I regret not having everyone in Italy with us.

My mother says the whole family is wondering if the second wedding is on or not, or if they should give us a gift now or later. She suggested sending out announcements. My dilemma lies in the wording of my announcements. I will include our names, the date we married, location, some photos, but how do I phrase the fact that I'm sorry not everyone was there and now we're not having another wedding? Or should I not mention that the second wedding will not happen since they might gather that from receiving the announcement? I'm not worried about sounding too informal, but I don't want to sound tacky.

- Bewildered Bride

Dear BB,

You are perfectly right to want to send a wedding announcement at this point, so don't hesitate. All of the information you listed is completely appropriate and the photos will be a nice addition.

What you should not do is talk about the party you aren't going to throw. This will only be confusing and a little odd to include in the announcement. It is probably best for you to let this information spread through word-of-mouth or direct responses when you are asked what your plans are. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, but you don't have to print it in an announcement. (The only time you would have to do something like this is if you had already mailed out invitations and then changed your mind.)

If you feel uncomfortable with the prospect of having to talk about your change of plans, you can always tell people who ask that you decided you couldn't manage the big reception but that you'd love to get together and celebrate privately with them.

Congratulations and good for you for knowing your limits ahead of time.

Elise

posted by Elise at 1:42 PM    <link>

ALL KINDS OF GUEST LIMITS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I have invited about 80 people to our wedding ceremony/reception so far. Our limit, imposed by the venue, is 100. We have already sent out save-the-dates, and received a few responses. We would like to invite people from work, but have not done so yet because we don’t know if there will be room. (There are approximately 30 co-workers, who will not all come to the wedding, but we feel it would be rude to only invite some and not all, since our workplace is so small.) There are about 5 months left before the wedding, and there’s also the possibility that one or both of us will have a new job before then. When should we invite people from work? How can we let them know they can’t bring guests, if that turns out to be the situation?

In addition to the venue limit, I’m also trying to keep costs down, as we are already over our budget. My mother, knowing all of the above issues, has told me that she is bringing her new boyfriend (of less than a month) to the wedding. She lives out of state, and I have never met this new boyfriend. She says he will help her make the chocolates for the favors. Do I have to make an exception for her because she is my mother? How do I talk to her about this?

I would really prefer to not have strangers at our wedding (whether dating my mother or even married to a coworker). How do I let our guests know that they can’t bring guests? Is it acceptable to include something in the invitations that says so? Or on the wedding website? We will not be having RSVP cards (again to keep costs down), and are asking guests to RSVP via the website. Am I being a bridezilla? I’m trying to stay calm about this.

Thanks,

- Trying to be Polite

Dear Trying,

You're wading in dangerous waters here with your guest list restrictions. The last thing you want at your wedding is to create a situation where you leave some people with a bad feeling about your choices. This holds even though you do have obvious space restrictions and a head count with a hard limit.

With that in mind, proceed with care. The general rule is that if people are married or are in long-term committed relationships, you must invite that person with his or her spouse. They are considered a unit and there is really no polite way to tell them that their life partners are not going to be able to attend.

So, when it comes to your coworkers, you have several months before you have to invite them (keeping in mind that invitations are usually mailed six to eight weeks before the event). If you change jobs, perhaps you will feel more comfortable only inviting the workers to whom you are closest. That will spare you having to think about asking people to leave their spouses at home. If you're still in your current jobs, it may be more comfortable not to invite any of them.

Your mother is another matter entirely. It may be a big deal for her to attend her daughter's wedding with a date, and regardless, if this is something extremely important to her, are you prepared to go to battle with her over her boyfriend? (I should add here that her relationship is young enough that this may not be an issue by the time you get married). Think about your relationship with your mother and what it may say to her if you forbid her from bringing a date because you don't know him or because you aren't letting other guests bring dates. Your mother is very different from the other guests and this is a small courtesy you could extend without having to encourage the single people on your guest list to bring dates as well. Even if you don't know this man, consider how much it will pay off in the long run if you let your mother bring a date.

As for your logistical questions, invitations are addressed to the person or persons you intend to invite to the wedding. If you have a single person, only one name appears on the envelope. If you have a married couple, both names appear, etc. The way to handle situations where people respond to your invitation with extra guests is to call them up and apologize for not being able to accommodate extra people. Because you have an online RSVP system, there is a good chance people won't be too good at responding, so prepare to have to make a number of telephone calls, not just because some people are threatening to bring extra people. You'll inevitably get stuck tracking people down.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:19 PM    <link>

FATHER'S HUSBAND AND THE PROGRAM

Elise,

I'm getting married this spring, and I'm having programs printed that will list the bridal party and our families.
My father is gay, and recently married his long-time partner. How do I list him and his spouse in the program? "Mr. So-and so and his spouse Mr. So and so"?
Are there other options?

To add to the fun, even though my parents have been divorced for over 20 years, my mother really can't handle seeing him, and now seeing his partner is going to be very difficult for her. I'm afraid listing him in the program will make her upset. I have no problem with the relationship, and I'm even planning on giving him a flower to wear on his jacket. He's an important person to me.

Hope this makes some sense,

- 21st Century Family Dynamics

Dear 21st,

This is a modern problem, and one is marginally happy that society has progressed to the point where these issues can actually exist. But the primary shame, of course, is that they do still exist. The battles to acknowledge homosexual marriage are more problematic in terms of the law than in terms of etiquette, which can absolutely accommodate.

As a practical matter, wedding programs don't have much in the way of formal structures. I would suggest listing your father and his husband the same way one would address an invitation to a married heterosexual couple with different last names. To do this, you name both of them (in heterosexual couples on invitations, the policy is to name the woman first, but for your purposes your father's name can appear first), list both of their names on the same line joined by an "and." Here is what it would look like:

Mr. Paris Weston and Mr. Harris Eastman

Your mother, as they say, is another problem, and her reactions are her own, and you can't avoid the fact that she will have them. She has had twenty years to indulge these legitimate feelings of betrayal and upset and she can go back to them after your wedding, but for one day, she can control herself. For your part, you can acknowledge her discomfort and tell her you will make every effort to keep her away from your father (a seating chart at the reception will be a lifesaver), but don't cave if she demands that you remove him from the program. It won't help you or your mother if you give her unlimited power. Instead concentrate your energies on making sure your mother knows you understand how deeply hurt she was, and that you think her feelings are reasonable and not to be dismissed. She may need some extra attention and handholding but you can be firm in your decision to include your father in the program and still honor your mother's emotions. Be direct, respectful and loving but firm.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:41 PM    <link>

WHAT NOT TO INCLUDE IN AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Elise

My fiancee and I are recently engaged and have decided we don't want a traditional wedding/reception. We will be having an "engagment party" for our immediate family and closest friends, about 35 guests. Before we begin dinner we want to bring in the minister to perform our wedding in front of our guests and surprise them. In doing this we avoid all the stress and costs of a traditional wedding/reception but still have our family be with us.

Since we are keeping the guest list to a minimum, we will be leaving out quite a few people we want to inform of our nuptials. If we send out wedding announcements afterwards should we include our registry information or is it rude to assume someone not invited to the wedding would want to purchase gifts for us? We do not intend to have a reception afterwards. I'm afraid those we don't invite will be unhappy they will not be able to attend anything regarding our wedding and offended if they think we still expect gifts.

- Gifts or No Gifts

Dear G/NG,

You have a solid plan working for you. The surprise wedding is a nice variation and you'll save yourselves plenty of time and energy.

Keep things simple. Do not include any registry information or present requests in any invitation or announcement. Even if you were going to have a post-wedding reception it would be bad form to include this sort of information in an announcement (or invitation), so just forget about it. Including registry details would just make people look rather askance at your announcement, as if the only reason you sent it was in an effort to collect more loot. If people want to send you presents, in the wake of your wedding announcement, they can always ask you if you're registered somewhere. As long as you don't create the impression that you are demanding anything, you will be in good shape.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:41 AM    <link>

SEPARATE GUEST LISTS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in the early stages of our wedding plans. We have talked for some time about having an intimate wedding ceremony witnessed by our immediate families only (parents, siblings, and grandparents).

However, we would still like to celebrate and thank our many relatives and friends for their support over the years. Is it in bad taste to invite our guests to a large reception celebration in honor of our marriage, but not invite them to the wedding itself? We don't want to seem ungracious--in fact, we want to let everyone skip right to the fun without having to sit through the boring ceremony parts! But we are worried that our guests will consider it rude. What's your take?

- Skip to Food and Fun

Dear Skip To,

Congratulations. Your ideal wedding/reception set up is not at all unusual. There is a long tradition of having separate guest lists for weddings and the following receptions, and the fact that you plan on having a very small wedding makes the larger reception much more understandable.

So common is your choice that there are even ready-made traditional invitation formats, which have been used successfully for more than a century. For the guests who will be invited to the wedding an reception, you can send an invitation in this format:

Hosts' Names
Request the honor of your presence at
The marriage of
Bride's name
To
Groom's name
Date
Time
Place
RSVP

Presumably you're going to invite these people to the reception too so they should have an additional card slipped in with the invitation with the reception details. The format for this is flexible. All it really needs to say is: "Reception to follow: Place, Time".

For the people who will only be invited to the reception, the invitation would look slightly different:

Hosts' Names
Request the pleasure of your company
At the wedding reception
for
Bride's name
And
Groom's name
Date
Time
Place
RSVP

So breathe easy and enjoy yourselves.

Congratulations again

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:55 AM    <link>

Home | IndieEtiquette | Kvetch | Links | IndieMom | Books | Essays | Interviews | Columns
Our Vow | Trousseau | Indieblog

Contact us | Press | Submissions | Email updates

Copyright 2008 Indiebride.com
Reproduction of material from any Indiebride pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.