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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Thursday, February 26, 2009

THE #1 RULE OF SHOWERS

Dear Elise,

I'm getting married and my mother and aunts are throwing me 2 showers. My question is, can I invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding? My mother says yes, my aunt says no. I feel like it would be weird or rude to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding itself, especially since we're not having a small wedding. What do you think?

Thanks!

Overwhelmed & Slightly Confused

Dear O&SC,

Don't put the money on your mother in this fight. She is completely mistaken. You absolutely do not want to invite people to a wedding shower who are not going to be asked to your wedding. There are only a couple of very specific exceptions to this policy. (There can be workplace wedding showers where colleagues are not going to be wedding guests, for instance.)

The reasoning behind this rule is very clear: it makes you look greedy. Because showers are parties that require presents, it can be a little insulting for people to realize that, while they rank high enough in the hosts' estimation to be invited to give presents at a shower, they aren't significant enough to deserve an invitation to the main event.

In addition, it is worth noting that you should be careful about your guest lists and try not to have too much overlap between your two showers. Again, because people have to bring presents to each shower event, you want to take care not to tax your friends.

So, you are absolutely right to be nervous about this idea and since you have time to chart a more comfortable course for yourself, you should be firm with your mother and your aunt about what you want.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:21 AM    <link>

DELICATE INVITATION

Hello Elise,

My mother has always wanted a gathering with just her sons and daughters. I am not sure how to make out the invitation especially when we are not including the spouses, or kids. Please give me some ideas, and I would really appreciate the help.

- How To Do It

Dear HTDI,

Are you asking about a simple gathering, not a wedding or other more formal event? Would your siblings be obligated to travel great distances to attend this event? Consider these questions. They are important to the success of this gathering. (What are we talking about here- a meal or an all day party, or a brunch or some sort of excursion?).

At this point because you are talking about an event with specific exclusions that are usually not encouraged, you should take an extremely personal approach. (As a rule, spouses are always invited to events.) Call your siblings and explain your mother's desires. Lay it out for them that this is your mother's wish. Don't concern yourself with the etiquette of written invitations here because it is much more important that you communicate your mother's feelings to your brothers and sisters clearly. Using any formal invitation language in this setting will only incur the wrath of your siblings who would, understandably, be upset that their spouses are to be excluded (they may be more understanding about the children).

What you are doing is quite delicate and you'd be best off avoiding any situation where you could be misunderstood. You are right to be nervous since this is a gathering predicated on exclusion, not inclusion, which can always be tricky. Here's hoping you are lucky and that your siblings and their partners are sympathetic to your mother's interests.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 6:46 PM    <link>

PRIVATE WEDDING

Dear Elise,

My domestic partner of 13+ years and I have decided to get married. This is a big deal, because we have both been anti-marriage for a long time and have made our opinions known to friends and family.

We have made this decision to marry mostly for legal reasons. Even though we have written wills, power of attorneys, and medical proxies several years ago to safeguard as best we can our rights as a domestic partners, we still have some insecurities that will be quelled by the "ultimate" legal contract.

We plan to get married in a very private way, by a friend sometime soon. No family or other friends will be there. The question is: how important is it for us to send wedding announcements post-fact? I'm confident that the moment the cat is out of the bag, we will have to field tons of inquiries about our reasons, why it was so private, why we didn't have a wedding/reception, etc. Normally, I am all about etiquette with thank you notes, birthday recognitions, etc., but this one very personal context is blurring my vision and I’m tempted to not announce it at all, except to our immediate family and closest of friends. Really, we're looking at it as just a legal contract we've drawn up and executed - not a romantic, huge celebration with cake. What are your thoughts?

Thanks.

- Ms Private

Dear Ms. Private,

One is never required to send out a wedding announcement (which would only get sent out after-the-fact, by the way). You are under no obligation to do anything of the sort. So put your fears of having to pay an unwanted visit to the stationer's to rest and go ahead with your plans for a quiet private wedding.

"Private" however, should not be the same thing as "secret." Being secretive and weird about your marriage would be a very strange approach to take and one that would make you seem eccentric rather than someone who had a simple change of heart about the legal advantages of being married. Don't shrink from telling people or skulk around trying to avoid the subject. Just let people know gradually.

There's nothing wrong with your decision to get married and there's nothing wrong with getting married after vehemently being opposed to the institution. Your reasons for changing your mind are perfectly good and perfectly interesting and worth explaining to anyone who questions you. If you don't feel like providing and explanation, and the question is legitimate if you've been extremely vocal about your anti-marriage stance in the past, you can always say that you changed your mind and in the future you hope everyone is free to do the same.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:50 AM    <link>

UNCLE'S ANNOYING WIFE OFFERS OBJECT LESSON

Dear Elise,

My mother has three sisters and one brother (my father is an only child). She and her sisters do not get along with their brother's wife, and neither my own brother nor I have received so much as a birthday card from that branch of the family in almost ten years. On the other end of the family closeness spectrum, my mother's oldest sister spends every Christmas with us and visits frequently throughout the year.

My brother is getting married. He and his fiancee want to have a small, manageable wedding, and so their initial guest list has been limited to friends and relatives they are especially close to. Of my aunts and uncles, only my oldest aunt was invited. The other three received wedding announcements but not invitations. My brother thought that since these relatives all live fairly far away, they most likely wouldn't attend anyway.

My mother's other two sisters and their families sent their congratulations, but my uncle's wife threw a fit. Apparently she thinks it's the height of rudeness to invite one person of a particular relation to you but not everyone else of the same relation. She phoned me up after getting the news and told me this, in no uncertain terms (why me and not my brother or even my parents I'm not sure).

My brother refuses to change his plans. He says it's his business who he invites to his own wedding, and that he has more of an obligation to make our mother happy, by not having this woman she dislikes present, than to mollify someone he barely knows.

Is it true that you must invite all relatives of equal standing if you invite one? And secondly, how should we deal with this person now (and possibly in the future, if and when I have my own wedding)?

- Caught In The Relative Wars

Dear Caught,

Well, you don't have to do anything in this situation. This is your brother's fight and if he wants to agitate or make trouble with your uncle's wife, that is his business. You don't have to play peacemaker. If your uncle or his wife calls you and if efforts are made to drag you in to this battle, throw the whole business right back at your brother: this is his wedding and it is his guest list.

As a matter of etiquette, your brother is getting exactly the grief he asked for. He has actually made two mistakes. First, wedding announcements should be sent out after the nuptials occur, not before and engagement news should be spread through word of mouth, not printed announcements.

The second etiquette problem your brother faces is that it is always the best policy to invite all members of close-knit groups, especially when these are family subsets (all aunts and uncles, all first cousins, all nieces and nephews).

It does seem preposterous when you're talking about people you don't know well, but remember that these are people who grew up with each other. It isn't a question of a "rule" or policy trying to rain on your brother's parade. His gesture, whether he means it this way or not, seems to say clearly that he doesn't care for your uncle and his wife. It makes sense that excluding some aunts and uncles would create either ire or sadness. These people are all siblings and might wonder why they're being excluded from a family affair. Some may very well understand (your two aunts), but others might be sensitive to the slight.

Moving forward, discussing your brother's wedding with your uncle and his wife will only fuel their ire. Don't do it. If they try to press you on it, change the subject, tell them this is none of your business, say they can take it up with your sibling, end that part of the conversation. Trying to explain or make sense of this will only annoy and bore you and the more you engage in any chatter about it, the longer the battle will be perpetuated.

Happily, your brother has provided an object lesson for you. When you get married, you know what will happen if you invite some aunts and uncles and not others, and it is up to you to decide how you feel about reigniting this battle.

Really, your brother is being a little bit precious about his guest list and your mother's sensibilities. He wouldn't have had time to deal with your uncle's wife at his nuptials, and your mother would be busy with other things as well. Now he has created a situation where, instead of having to tolerate this woman's nonsense for a few minutes sprinkled within a few hours of the wedding, you all have to deal with irritating blood-pressure raising phone calls. From here on out, let her know that you're sorry her feelings were hurt. There's nothing you can do about it but maybe acknowledging her will ease tensions as you change the subject.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 5:04 PM    <link>

DON'T ASSUME THERE WILL BE FLOWER GIRLS

Dear Elise,

I need some confirmation that I'm not a monster.

My fiance and I decided to have an adults-only reception (anyone can come to the church ceremony), which will be held in the evening at a bar/brewery. We made up save the date postcards that looked like vintage band posters complete with "no cover 21 & over" as a cheeky tag on the bottom. My friends thought this was clear and tactful indication, but my fiance's mother hit the roof. We had to quickly amend our decision to include the two family kids, my brother and sister-in-law's six year-old and twelve year-old (although why you would bring kids to a bar is beyond me).

Over Christmas, while they were visiting, the six year-old girl busted out with "I get to be the flower girl, right?" Which prompted the 12 year-old to say "and I'm the ring bearer!" These comments were accompanied by uncomfortable smiles from both my future brother and sister in law.

I know I'm going to have to suck it up and discuss this one way or another with my future mother-in-law. I need a sounding board that isn't a friend who will tell me "its your wedding have it your way" or a family member who asks me "why I hate children" (I don't, I just want to keep things simple at the ceremony, and not make it a dog and pony show. We're having only two witnesses, not a bridal party, and I also don't want to rub two kids in the face of people who couldn't bring their kids. My fiance is irritated, but understands that kids love this crap and weddings are family affairs as well.

Sigh. Suppose I could dress the girl up in fairy wings, and include my mom's dog as well.

What do you think?

- Don't Want This

Dear Don't Want,

You need to temper your irritation a bit. No one likes to be bullied or have unwanted plans suddenly foist upon them, and this is especially the case when these issues are tempered with "think of the children" sanctimony. Try to subdue your ire and put aside thoughts of fairy wings and dogs (nothing against dogs in weddings, nothing at all).

But bullying isn't entirely what's going on here and you do have options. The first thing you need to do is to get on the same page with your fiance. Do you and he agree about not having a flower girl and ring bearer? Would you both be up to some sort of compromise (letting his niece and nephew stand up with your other witnesses, for instance, or having them do something at the reception)? Being able to present a united front to your fiance's family is key to resolving this happily. Once you've figured out what you want, you can both go to your future mother-in-law and talk to her about what you want, what you don't want, and where you can compromise. You should also be prepared to talk to your future brother and sister in-law yourselves. You do not want your future mother-in-law being in charge of information or handling any sort of sensitive communications for you.

Keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with not having a wedding party of any kind and you shouldn't have to feel defensive about your preference. Also remember that you've already invited these kids to your wedding and reception, so the issue isn't really about their age (not to mention that only inviting children of immediate family members or children in the wedding party are both standard ways to limit children at weddings).

In the end, you need to sort out not only your preferences, but also what you gain or lose by exercising them. This is not to say that you should do anything, but you are right to want to approach this directly and quickly so that it doesn't have time to turn into heartfelt plans that get dashed. Talk to your fiance and see what you and he think you should do than proceed. No matter what you do, as far as the wedding ceremony goes, you can't go wrong, so all you have to manage are your feelings and those of your future in-laws. For that you need to shelve your sarcasm (however reasonable) and coddle them a little so you can reach a satisfactory solution.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:43 PM    <link>

YES, THERE CAN BE TOO MANY GUESTS AT SHOWERS

Dear Elise,

My friend is getting married and I am the maid of honor and with the help of the rest of the bridal party I am throwing her a shower. Her mother insists that we send out as many invites for the shower as for the wedding, which means we'd be inviting over 200 people! Is this normal? We were just wondering because everything is starting to really add up.

They have a tendency to be greedy because when she got engaged a year ago, my friend and her mother both wanted to have her shower right then even though the wedding wasn't going to be for another year! She wanted her gifts and new things for the house since they were moving in together, and even registered and received a couple gifts before I talked her out of it. Anyway, we are starting to stress over it and I was just wondering how to go about this.

200 is a Crowd

Dear 200 is a Crowd,

Generally speaking, bridal shower guest lists are comprised of the bride's (or, in the event of a co-ed shower, the wedding couple's) closest friends and relatives. Two hundred people suggests a circle of intimates that surely rivals that of the Queen of England. Or Julia Roberts, at least.

So, the short answer to your question is that your friend is almost certainly taking things too far. But, as far as etiquette goes, that is neither here nor there. You are hosting this party, which means you get to figure out how many people you can comfortably afford to invite. This is your budget to set. No one should ever be obliged to go into debt because she (or he) has the honor of being a wedding attendant.

How you talk about setting limits, of course, is up to you. The easiest, most direct approach is not to appeal with any discussions of etiquette, but instead to tell your friend and her mother what your budget allows. Do not bend on this or let anyone try to imply that you aren't being a good friend or anything like that. Simply explain firmly and repeatedly what you can afford and what feels acceptable and reasonable to you.

Now, you mention your friend's tendency to be a bit acquisitive (a bit) and I feel I should add that while your friend should feel absolutely fine about registering for her shower (as she has done once before), you should not include registry information in the shower invitations. To do so really just comes off as greedy and strange. Reinforce, if you get pushback, that you can easily tell people about any and all registry details when they contact you to RSVP. If you are calm and have answers to any possibly protests about practicality, you'll be able to get through this.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:30 PM    <link>

PARENTS MISUNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO HOST

Hello!

Please help!

My fiance and I are planning our wedding, and my parents generously offered to pay for the food and alcohol. My parents list of invites has grown to almost 100, mostly people I don't know, and my fiance has a rather small family. His parents can't contribute any money to the wedding, as they are on a fixed income. His mother is helping in other ways.

My parents found out his parents have 35 people on their invite list, and became really unreasonable and said they thought it would be kept to 10 or less. My parents allowed us 30 friends total.

We're reconsidering this larger wedding in favor of a very small affair that we would pay for ourselves, so we can both have whoever we want there. Then we would make the rules because we wouldn't be taking any of my parents' money.

The problem is, we already invited a bridal party and have mentioned the wedding to some friends. It would be silly to have a bridal party with only 40 people total there. And how would we "unmention" it to these friends who wouldn't be on the smaller invite list?

What do we do? Do we go along with my parents larger wedding and keep the peace? We already offered to pay my fiance's parents share, but my parents feel it is the principle of the matter.

-Confused Bride-to-Be

Dear Confused Bride-to-Be,

I don't think you are that confused, actually. You've realized that your parents are going about this as if they were throwing a private party themselves, rather than a wedding and you're chafing at the ways in which they're hemming you and your future in-laws in. It does make sense that if one family is paying for the bulk of the affair, it should get to exert more control over the guest list and other choices. But at this extreme, it would generate all sorts of awkwardness to have the bride's family's guests outnumbering those of the groom's family, 10 to 1. Your parents' principles in this matter stink at bit. They are hardly being generous or welcoming to your new family.

So, if you do decide to pull back, you have a lot of choices to make. You can still have a bridal party if you like. There's nothing that says you can't if you are having a tiny wedding. If you'd rather forego the bridal party, all you have to do is tell your friends and relatives that your wedding circumstances have changed and you won't be doing the big ceremony with the wedding party any longer. Then you can honor them with a choice toast at the reception.

With friends you no longer can invite, you can take a similar approach. Let them know that you love them and that if circumstances were different, you'd love to include them, but because you have to have a private wedding, you would love it if you could celebrate with them after the fact. No, it is not ideal, but you are talking about making a drastic change in your plans. (This is actually less of a problem if you had only mentioned your wedding to people. Once things like save-the-date cards have been sent it is much more uncomfortable to change gears).

Really, this is up to you. You don't have to accept this wedding your parents are planning if it makes you uncomfortable. Should you reject their offer you can tell them that you don't feel good about the circumstances but you understand it is their money and that they should throw whatever party they want with it, but you'll be less nervous and feel more comfortable with a small wedding that treats all interests more equally.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:53 AM    <link>

MOTHER'S WEDDING TO TRUMP DAUGHTER'S

Dear Elise,

I got engaged at the end of August to my boyfriend of four years. We were planning a casual reception to follow a very small ceremony for this coming fall. I was really excited because my mom, who has been in and out of my life for years, was acting pretty normal and was helping me plan my wedding.

Right after Christmas, my mom called to tell me that she and her boyfriend of three years were engaged. She is planning a big, old-fashioned Southern blow out wedding in early summer. I was really happy for her and thought I was lucky because if my mom turned out to be dead set on something I didn't want, she could have them in her wedding.

Now, ever time I call my mom to ask if she wants to do something wedding related, I am treated to a panic ridden diatribe about her wedding. It kind of stinks. Soon, we are planning on going to a caterer to try food and she said she was excited to "kill two birds with one stone." She has also taken to negatively comparing my choices to hers.

I have polled almost all of my friends for ideas about what to do, but most of them have just been upset or mad for me. So far I have managed not to say much about my feelings, and have kept a pretty positive attitude, but it is getting hard. I don't think talking to her about it will change her behavior. I really just want to know what I can do to keep this experience a happy one for me.

Thanks,

A Little Sad

Dear Little

You are disappointed. Your mother is not acting particularly maternal and is certainly not living up to the fantasy the media has perpetuated about how bonded and close mothers and daughters get during the run up to the daughter's wedding. The fact that this is a fantasy that has little or nothing to do with most people's relationships with their mothers doesn't seem to dampen its power to disappoint.

Put your yearnings aside. Your mother is incapable of coming though for you in this way. In fact, she seems to feel some sort of competition with you and emerges when you two are in a setting (food tasting, florist, etc.) that permits comparison, even though your weddings couldn't be more different.

Who knows why she needs to hog the spotlight or why she can't plan her own wedding while giving you some unfiltered attention, but in your opening paragraph you indicate that this behavior might not be a huge surprise. She is inconsistent.

You are right that it is unlikely that you'll be able to convince your mother that she's being harsh or insensitive, or that she's acting more like a competitive friend than a parent. She won't be able to understand you. At this point the best you can do is treat her as if she has some sort of handicap that limits her participation. You can tell her things and talk to her, but don't give her opportunities to disappoint you, or offer up too many points of comparison. This does not mean you have to let her walk all over you and you can respond gently to when you feel she has crossed the line, but your best overall strategy will be to minimize her exposure to your wedding and you to hers.

Think of the wedding planning era as some sort of fever season. Your mother is in the sway of the fever and you are in a different sense (it makes you want her attention). The less fodder you get from her, the less angry you'll be when the weddings are no longer Topic A.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:58 AM    <link>

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