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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Monday, March 30, 2009

JUST HAVE A PLAIN OLD PARTY

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I moved from the east coast to the west coast and we're planning to have our wedding in our new city even though almost all of our friends and family are back east. My mom brought up the idea of having an east coast reception after the wedding and we liked the idea but suggested that we instead do something more low-key six months before the wedding in my hometown and invite everyone that we are inviting to the wedding. We would call it an engagement party, but we will have been engaged for almost two years at that point. So we're thinking that we'll call it a couple's shower. We are not doing the traditional thing with games and opening gifts. It's going to be a cocktail party. My parents are paying for the entire thing and my mom, sister, fiance and I are going to do all of the planning, so it's not a traditional shower in that sense either.

Now, I am reading etiquette books and wondering if this may be too much. The thing is, my parents are convinced that we'll have a bunch of guests who won't be able to afford to travel to the wedding, but who will come to the shower. It would be great to spend time with people who won't be able to come to the wedding, but we don't want all of our guests to feel like they're obligated to give us a gift for the shower in addition to the wedding gift.

Would it be rude to use the shower invite to direct people to our wedding website that has registry information (and other information about the shower)? Or should we just say "no gifts" or ask that people make a donation to a charity in lieu of gifts? Or should we call the shower something else entirely (but what?) Help!

- Feelin' Greedy

Dear Feelin'

As ridiculous as it sounds, you would do well to avoid the word "shower." Those six little letters have amazing power in the wedding world and will indeed trigger all sorts of present requirements and oddness.

And in the end, the party you want to have isn't really a shower in the first place, so why burden yourself with awkward terminology. You don't really need to call your party anything. Your invitations could ask people to attend a bash celebrating your engagement or you could call it a pre-wedding party. Really, any language you choose as long as you don't use the word "shower" is absolutely fine.

Beyond that, the only way you should spread your registry information is by word of mouth, so don't include it in the party invitations or put it in print, especially not in the context of this party. Certainly guests will ask where you're registered, so let your family know what you want them to say and have a great time at your party.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:25 AM    <link>

DON'T WANT KIDS THERE

Dear Elise,

I don't want kids at my wedding. There are 2 children (my fiance's niece and a child who is a cousin) we can't avoid. I don't want to buy dinner for (and take up some of the preciously limited space we have for guests) friends' kids-some of whom I don't like. How do I make this happen? I realize that this is a sensitive subject, because people love there kids, and sometimes I love their kids too, but I don't want them running around my wedding.

Thanks,
No Screaming Kids

Dear NSK,

You don't want kids at the wedding and that is fair enough. The way not to have them at your wedding is not to invite them. When you issue your invitations, don't include the childrens' names on the envelopes; don't address your invitations to a guest's name "and Family;" don't do anything that implies you are including children.

If you do have to include these two children on the guest list, you're still perfectly safe since one very safe and easy way to limit children as guests is to only include kids who are family members. (To do this successfully, understand, you must be sure to invite all of your fiance's nieces and nephews and yours, and all of the other underage cousins that are related to you and your fiance in the same way as the cousin you mentioned.) The key to success is in not appearing to play favorites, so you can either invite some or none of the children in any group.

Be prepared to receive some response cards back from your invitations with kids' names added to the list. You'll have to call these people and gently tell them about the kid limits. You can say that you just can't add some and not others our of your larger group of friends because you don't accommodate everyone and don't want to get in to trouble for appearing to prefer some over others. Even if it is true, you don't want to show your hand.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:38 AM    <link>

I HAVE TO HOUSE THEM TOO?

Dear Elise,

What is the etiquette regarding accommodations for out of town guests? We are having a small wedding and have only invited close family and friends. However, a number of our wedding guests are flying across the country to attend our wedding, and are planning to stay for a week.

Unfortunately, we can't invite anyone to stay with us, but I have arranged a bit of a discount at a nice, reasonably priced hotel. Some of the out-of-towners can't afford to pay for a hotel, and have asked us for help. My parents have offered their spare rooms to some of the guests, but that still leaves a few other people with nowhere to stay. What is our responsibility here?

I've done everything I thought I was supposed to do but I still feel somewhat guilty asking these people to fly across country and potentially spend thousands of dollars on airfare and hotel rooms. I have no problem helping people find accommodation, BUT if they accept our wedding invitation, is it their responsibility to also accept the costs of attending our wedding? If they can't afford to come to our wedding, shouldn't they just say no thank you to the invitation?

Thank you,

- Travel Wary Bride

Dear TWB,

When one hosts a wedding, one is required of course to host the event itself, and any other parties or festivities planned around the wedding and reception, but as as general matter, one is not required to provide accommodations for all of one's guests. It is possible that some people do manage to achieve this feat of generosity and ability, but it is not necessary.

You have done exactly what is required of you: you invited people you would like to see, found reasonable hotel rates for potential guests, and have even sought free accommodations with relatives. Now, what remains is for the onus to bounce back over to your invitees. They now must look into their finances and vacation schedules and decide for themselves if they can attend.

It is odd to hope an invitation will be an all-expenses-paid trip, really, and not something that is as much tied to all the decisions that have to be made on a quotidian basis. If you can't afford to attend a benefit ball, you don't. If you can't afford the swish restaurant other people suggest you try out, you skip it. If you can't afford to travel for a wedding, you bow out. And there's no shame at all in this since, after all, air travel, ground transportation and accommodations can be spendy.

There is some difficulty if you've managed to find places for all but a couple of friends or relatives, in which case they may feel a bit left out and wonder why they didn't get this consideration, however if you're mostly housing relatives, leaving friends to find hotel rooms or if actually a fair number of people will need to supply their own housing, you should be in the clear. (On the other side of things, a week of houseguests can be challenging for anyone, especially around a wedding.)

So, when your friends or family press you to find ways to put them up, say that you found the reasonable hotel rate, and that you can't house them. Then you can say that you completely understand this means they can't afford to travel and that you can celebrate with them privately on another occasion. There's no need to feel guilty. You aren't demanding that anyone do anything. You are inviting them and they are entitled to accept or decline.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:32 AM    <link>

ALLOW ONLY ONE "AND GUEST"?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having a semi-destination. The destination is about 3 hours away for most of our guests as well as us and will include an evening reception, so most guests will be spending at least one night in a hotel. To keep our guest list at a reasonable size, we are not including our single friends to bring guests, but we are inviting the significant others of friends in committed non-married relationships.

I have two friends from high school that I would like to invite. These two friends had a falling out at the end of high school (10 years ago), but I am still very close with both girls and both of them still mention the falling out to me from time to time so I know the incident has not been forgotten.

Recently, friend A got married so we will be inviting her husband as well. Friend B is single, but we are thinking of making an exception to the no "and guest" rule for her, as she will not know very many people at the wedding and may feel awkward attending an overnight event by herself. We don't want other single guests to be offended, but all of our other single friends will know lots of people at the wedding. Is it okay to add one "and guest" slip into our invite list? I am hoping Friend B brings someone like her sister (who I have met several times and I know she is currently sharing an apartment with) so she has company and we don't have a total stranger at the wedding. Is this okay?

Thank you,

- Confused Bride and guest!


Dear Confused Bride,


If you are otherwise not encouraging your single friends to bring guests, it will be difficult to pass off this one exception. You don't want to create the appearance of great preference, since this is a courtesy you won't be extending to anyone else.

A better plan would be for you to talk to your Friend B and let her know the score. You could ask her if she has anyone in mind she would like to invite. You could even suggest her sister as a possible date. This leaves it in your friend's hands. You will need to make sure she knows to tell you who she is inviting and how you can send an invitation to that person.

Don't leave anything up to chance and don't just hope these questions resolve themselves without your intervention. You're close enough to your friend to be able to talk to her about your situation and see if you can't find a way around this tricky situation without doing anything that opens the door for any potential sticklers to jab at you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:25 PM    <link>

BRIDESMAID VS. MAID OF HONOR

Dear Elise,

Help. I'm the mother of the bride. My daughter's maid of honor and her fiance’s sister (who is a bridesmaid at the wedding) are not speaking.

The maid of honor chose favors for the bridal shower and was going to involve the bridesmaids to put them together so that everyone could get to know each other. Well, the groom's sister took it upon herself to get all of the materials and said she was going to put the favors together without any help. In general, she feels her suggestions have been dismissed. What makes it worse is that she sent a text message to the bride, which said that if people said she was a "-itch" she was only trying to help. My daughter was upset over this message but the other bridesmaids and I got her to forget it as a small squabble.

However, even though the maid of honor tried to speak with the bridesmaid. The groom's sister will not speak to her or even try to converse to reach an agreement. I invited all of them to my home when the shower invites were due to see if they could reconcile. The bridesmaid refused to speak to the maid of honor. I know they had some words via email.

Now what can I do to try and mend these broken fences? I spoke to the mother of the groom and she said she is working on her. These girls are important to the bride and groom. Any suggestions?

Thank you,

- Worried Mother

Dear WM,

It is something of a myth that all members of the wedding party must fall in love with each other and become their own little family. This can happen. It is also possible to find bridesmaid dresses that can be worn countless times after the wedding.

What is much more often the case is that alliances form, petty squabbles erupt and people either decide to ignore them or engage in snipey fighting that makes people uncomfortable.

This errant bridesmaid may have been trying to help and run into some pushback that has her defensive and angry. She may be a bit of a diva who needs to hog attention. I can't say, but at this point she has been coddled a little too much. She needs to be told to buck up and treat being a bridesmaid like the job it is. This means she needs to work to get along with people and negotiate. Sometimes she may end up doing things in a way that seems impractical or foreign to her, but it doesn't matter. In all probability, no one will die because of the way the wedding favors were assembled. The skies will not rain down plagues because a party was not to her taste, and everyone just needs to relax and get on board, even if privately they disagree with some choices.

There is no need for the bridesmaids to be best friends and you don't need to force them to become buddies. What they do need to do is to put their differences aside for the sake of a civil wedding. It shouldn't be difficult. Both the maid of honor and the sister-in-law bridesmaid will have plenty to do and plenty of people to talk to at the wedding and other events and they don't need to have anything to do with each other. Really, this is the time for them to grow up and accommodate a little bit.

So, instead of trying to achieve great happiness, encourage everyone to think of this situation in a professional context: they have to work together but they do not have to like each other. Perhaps the mother of the groom has some influence and could encourage her daughter to compose herself for the isolated hours she is participating in the wedding.

Beyond that, there is little you can do but smile and ignore the antics.

Cheers,
Elise

posted by Elise at 7:05 PM    <link>

DANGEROUS EXCLUSIONS

Good Morning, Elise,

My fiance and I both have huge families but want an intimate wedding, not a family reunion on our dime.

We are very close with my father's two brothers. My mother, however, is one of seven siblings, who I usually only see at Christmas, if at all. While we all get along just fine, we're not really intimate and there isn't enough room for them to make the 37-person cut. How do I handle this situation nicely once they see wedding photos that include my other uncles?

Thanks for your advice,
Practical But Concerned

Dear PBC,

Everything has a price. That is the insidious truth about making decisions, especially wedding related ones. You are wanting to find a way of eating your cake and having it too.

So, whether or not you invite these six aunts and uncles, you're going to have to deal with consequences. If you invite the uncles from your father's side and not your mother's, there is very little you can say to minimize such a loudly pronounced preference. There is a reason why you can't think of what you could say to them when you see them at Christmas. Would you want to say that you just don't feel so close to that half of the family?

While it is possible your mother's siblings will understand, it is also possible that they could be hurt and make your mother's life difficult for a while. There is no really "safe" route to take here. If you want to explore the possible ramifications of not inviting her brothers and sisters, you could talk to your mother and see how she feels.

Wedding guest lists often involve having to make these sorts of hard compromises where one must include people one ordinarily wouldn't invite for the greater good. Remember that the wedding is an event but it is much larger than the few hours it takes to get hitched and have a reception. It is the beginning of your future together, so you may want to start things off without familial strife, if at all possible.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:38 AM    <link>

WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO DO?

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I finally got engaged and 7 months later his older sister got engaged at our engagement dinner... Even though we had already set a date 4 months prior, she has decided to get married just two weeks before us. Is this crazy and mean or am I out of touch?

Sincerely,
- Shocked and Awed

Dear S&A,

Well, your fiance's sister may have some sort of thunder-stealing agenda, which is weird in and of itself. It is difficult to understand the motivation, I must say. What is the point of trying to filch attention when you could, at a separate event, have all of the attention for yourself?

There is nothing you can do about this woman, really. You aren't entitled to more than one day for your wedding, so her event two weeks before yours isn't a huge issue (more telling is her engagement announcement at your dinner, frankly, since there are so many reasons why she could have arrived at her wedding date, many of which may have had nothing to do with you). Moving on, make some new policies. Don't tell your future sister-in-law anything of your plans. Don't let her know what you're thinking. Make no details of your wedding or any of the surrounding events known to her until the moment you have to send out invitations. That should help you feel you are somewhat "protected" from any sort of scheming she may do to try to get attention at an inopportune moment.

Beyond that, there's nothing to do except live your life and plan your wedding without her in mind.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:49 AM    <link>

THANK YOU HELP

Hi Elise,

I got married a while ago, and I am writing with a very strange question. Have you ever coached someone in Thank You Card writing? I am suffering from a COMPLETE block and am so overwhelmed that I do not even know where to begin. How do I get my creative juices flowing? I'm completely at a loss.

Help!

Tongue Tied

Dear TT,

This is an interesting problem. While I’m sure there are people who would happily charge you for the privilege of watching you write thank you notes, you can probably do this yourself with only a modicum of discipline.

Before you begin, outfit yourself with some good stationery. The key to reasonable productivity is to get cards that are on the slightly small side. That way you don't feel obliged to fill up a dauntingly large blank space.

Now, to get going.

Try to avoid that horrible feeling of being overwhelmed. To do this, don't think about the volume of notes you have to write. Just write one or two at a time and then move on with your day (or evening). You can write them quickly, in the dead time during television commercials or while you wait for your dinner to heat up or during that endless moment in the morning when you wait for the coffee to finally be ready (or do I reveal too much?).

Don't force yourself to write more than a couple at a time, but make sure you do one or two a day. Mail them as soon as possible. You don't have to post them in bulk; just get them out of your house and off your mind.

Turning to the question of text, there's only so much ground to cover here so there's no need to worry about being extremely original.

You can always get started by thanking your friends or relatives first for attending your wedding (if they did) and then tell them how much you appreciated that they thought of you.

Let them know if the present is getting a lot of use or if it is especially funny or now has a place of honor in your house. Does the present remind you of something amusing? Can you guess why your friend chose to give it to you? If they gave cash, what sort of wise or interesting purchase are you putting it towards? A quick sentence about the item, inspired by any one of those questions should be all it takes.

All you need to do after that is add a final "thank you" and a "see you soon" and an "I hope you're doing well" or any of your familiar sign-offs. Don't fee into the trap of thinking you must be charming or extremely original. It will come naturally if it's going to happen and if not, understand that there's only so original one can be with this task. You can't disappoint and that should comfort you and free you to write quickly and send these notes on their way.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:20 AM    <link>

STAGING & STAGE FRIGHT

Dear Elise,

I am planning a small wedding. I wanted to have a tiny ceremony with just the immediate family and then a reception afterwards, but my fiance would like all 80 or so of our guests to witness the vows.

Now, I have three problems with this. I terrible stage fright just thinking about all those people watching me. Second, I wanted the ceremony to be around 15 minutes long. Finally, I assume we must provide the guests with seats.

Would it be acceptable for me to waive the whole seating deal? I don't want to tell my fiance we can't do this, since this is his wedding as well, but we are having a beach wedding and I really don't like the idea of the whole chairs-in-the-sand, everyone gets comfortable for what should really just a 15-20 minute deal. I actually wanted the reception to be a few hours later so we had some down time and maybe time for photos, but my fiance says it's just not done (we are having the wedding in Bermuda where he is from).

How do I deal with this?

Stage fright


Dear SF,

Leaving your social anxiety aside for a moment, and it is a legitimate factor for you, I can ease your concerns about the other issues.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having your guests attend a fifteen-minute or even five-minute ceremony. It is not your job to present an entertainment or any sort of substantial performance. You owe your guests nothing more than the ceremony you want to have and if they want anything more, they can either conjure an epic nuptial ceremony and mass for themselves, or they can record any number of hours of wedding reality programming on television and watch at their leisure.

So, you have nothing to worry about with a short ceremony and your guests. As far as chairs on the beach go, you can also do without them, though you should have a few on hand in order to ensure the comfort of anyone who is older or pregnant, under the weather or otherwise compromised.

There is nothing wrong with having some down time between the wedding and the ceremony but if your ceremony really is only fifteen minutes long, you may find it is easier to just have everything flow into the reception. Having the focus on the reception may have an unexpected benefit for you, which is that it might help ease some of your fears about being the center of attention.

Now, as for your stage fright, you can work around it by giving yourself as little to do as possible. Taking away as much of the "performance" as you can. Don't try to memorize your vows. Either let your officiant give you things to repeat or have everything written down. You don't have to make a grand entrance if you'd rather mingle with your guests instead. Alternatively you can seclude yourself and not even acknowledge your guests until after the ceremony if that is better for you. Instead of dismissing the entire idea of the ceremony, try to imagine one that is palatable to you. It is up to you and your fiance to find a way to make this comfortable but keep in mind that a short ceremony will work in your favor. Before you have time to think too hard about what you are doing, it will be over.

It is wonderful that you want to work with your fiance to reach a solution that suits you both, so try not to dig in your heels. Remember that your guests are going to be happy for you regardless of the length of the ceremony or your stage fright. You can't disappoint them.

Congratulations
Elise

posted by Elise at 9:14 AM    <link>

BUT SHE CAN'T COME ANYWAY

Dear Elise,

My fiance's sister lives and works overseas as a teacher. She has come home for the summer months for the past six years we've been together. However, our wedding will be taking place during her school year, and she cannot fly back to attend.

Lately I've heard rumblings that she is inquiring of other family members why she hasn't received a wedding invitation. She stated several times that she could not attend our wedding.

I heard that it was poor etiquette to mail a wedding invitation to someone whom you know cannot attend.

What should I do?

Muddled

Dear Muddled,

Why not invite her?

Who on earth ever told you that receiving an invitation is at all insulting or bad form? What could possibly be insulting about an invitation? (All right, I suppose in some complicated social environment there could possibly be such a thing as a back-handed invitation, just as there are back-handed complements, but for our purposes, an invitation is simply nice.)

So, how could it hurt to send your fiance's sister an invitation? If nothing else, it is letting her know, formally, that you want her there even though you know she can't come. The fact that she is asking about the wedding invitation may signify that she is a little delicate or feels uncomfortable with being so far away and fears that she won't be missed.

The easy solution is to send your future sister-in-law an invitation with a note that says that you understand she won't be able to attend but that you'll be thinking of her and want her to know she will be missed.

You can't lose.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:32 PM    <link>

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