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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
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questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com
DOES SHE NEED A WARNING?
Dear Elise
I grew up in very conservative small town, but I am anything but. I am, however close with a few high school friends. One of my bridesmaids is an old friend and is like a sister to me, and I'm closer to her children than my actual nieces and nephews, but she is Christian conservative and lives a sheltered life. The complication is that many of my friends are gay, including another one of my bridesmaids. There will be a number of gay couples at my wedding, including my bridesmaid and her partner.
I have a nagging fear that my conservative bridesmaid might be weirded out or offended by gay couples, particularly if the couples, say, slow dance. My old friends are quite aware that I'm liberal, but I'm not sure if they have ever interacted with a gay couple and I know they are very judgmental on that issue. I think they have enough sense not to say anything offensive to my friends, but I am concerned that they might decide it's an unholy atmosphere for their children and leave very early.
Should I tell my bridesmaid ahead of time? Part of me feels like it really is her problem and I don't want to accommodate a bigot (I love her, but gotta call it like I see it). On the other hand, if she knows she might look into having someone take the kids after dinner before dancing starts and fortify herself for being polite to all the heathens. And you advise speaking up in advance, how should I bring the issue up?
-Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
What do you think your bridesmaid would do if she found out that some of your friends are gay at your wedding? Would she really come apart at the seams and behave appallingly to you and to your guests? There will always be people at almost any occasion whose opinions and lifestyles have the capacity to offend.
Your friend is not a child and should know better than to abuse her role as a member of a wedding. Would you be as concerned if the problem was reversed? That is, do you feel at all inclined to caution your gay friends that there will be a bigot in their midst?
You don't have to warn your friend that people who are not like her are going to be at your wedding. She probably already can intuit this, since you've been living far away and has a sense that you don't share her beliefs. If you think about it in those terms, warning your friend could be considered a little condescending. It is unlikely that your friends will dance in any way that could be considered alarming and no one needs weeks and weeks in which to prepare to be polite to a bunch of strangers at a wedding.
But you know your bridesmaid better than I do and if you sense this is an issue that really needs raising because she tends to be unpleasant or would be angry at you for not giving her a chance to leave her children at home or something equally ridiculous, you can tell her that there are guests who have lives and relationships with which she may not be comfortable.
This is a wedding and the only thing your friend needs to agree with everyone about is that you're doing something exciting and happy and worth celebrating. She should be able to leave it at that. And if she can't, the fault won't lie in your silence and if she leaves early, that's her loss.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 10:19 AM
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009
THEY PAY FOR BRUNCH
Dear Elise,
I am having an informal and non-traditional wedding with a potluck reception. The day after, we would like to invite people to our favorite local bar/restaurant for brunch. We will be stationed there for about 3 hours. However, because of our budget we will not be able to pay for the food and drink. It will be listed on our website in the schedule of events, but the how do we word the invitation letting people know that they have to pay for their own food and drink? Is it necessary to include this detail or am I just over-thinking this?
Brunch Issue
Dear Brunch Issue,
I wish I did have advice for you but even in circumstances as informal as yours, it is awkward to issue an invitation telling people that they are going to have to pay their way. There's no really good way to put it.
Ideally, you'd find another way to have a get-together, either with another potluck brunch or something else that you can afford to host.
Budget limits are very real, but this plan is complicated. How were you planning on handling the bill for this event? If you run a tab and expect everyone to pitch in, you are almost certainly going to come up short. Will each friend or relative get his or her own bill? It will be crucial for you to make sure that your friends know well ahead of time that they will be expected to pay for their brunch. If you take this route, it would be best not to list this as an event on your wedding web site where people could easily understand it to be another standard wedding event which they would not have to pay for. Instead, it would be better to tell people individually that you are going to go to this restaurant and that you'd love to see them there, but that you can't afford to pay for everyone's brunch.
There is no question that a lot more work is involved and that work will be a bit of a pain but unless you treat this as a different sort of event, you'll wind up with a lot of uncomfortable people and, odds are, a pretty hefty brunch bill to settle anyway.
Think hard before you settle on this plan. See what works well logistically in addition to considering your budget. There may be other less complicated solutions that you haven't thought about yet.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 12:15 PM
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Wednesday, July 15, 2009
THIS FRIEND IS A DRAG
Hi Elise,
When I decided to get married, I asked some of my friends to be bridesmaids. I'm not asking them to do anything very taxing, I'm even buying their dresses. One of them used to be my best friend at college, but since I asked her to be bridesmaid she has acted in a way I find really difficult to swallow.
I arranged a weekend when all the bridemaids were going to meet up to go shopping for dresses and the last minute she pulled out, with a really lame excuse.
Then she did the same for my bachelorette party at the last minute, saying she "had to work" that weekend. I suspect that what really happened was that something else came up that she thought was more important.
It's not the first time she's let me down, in the past she's done it plenty of times. She's never there when I need her.
Now she wants to meet up this weekend to go shopping but my impulse is to tell her to go to hell and not bother coming to the wedding. I don't really believe her excuses, I just think something better came up. I've got a busy job too but if something's important you make time, right?
Anyway, I wanted to ask, firstly if I'm right to be angry and secondly what should I do?
Cheers,
Angry Bride
Dear AB,
Your friend is a flake. It's hard to have to come to that realization but that's pretty much the size of it. The trap you fall into is that you take it personally. Try not to. In all probability she does this to everyone but you're taking it more to heart than usual because she's a member of your wedding and things are supposed to be different.
Things ARE different. When there's a wedding in the picture, people behave much more poorly than under normal circumstances. Weddings elicit all sorts of demons, persecution complexes, grudges, and tit-for-tat competitiveness. Who knows what's brought out the worst in her but you don't have to deal with her flakiness. You can tell her that you wish she would do more of these wedding things because you miss her. You can also say you're not available to do the things she invites you to do.
It is fine to be angry, but it in your best interests to realize that this is your friend's nature and stop expecting anything of her. Maybe this means you lose interest in the friendship and maybe it means you appreciate her more now that you have reduced, less heavy expectations.
You don't have to do anything with this friend unless you feel this is your moment to make grand statements (in which case you can "fire" her as your bridesmaid, and tell her to go to Hell, which will possibly terminate the relationship). Assuming you don’t go that route, you can expect the minimum from her. Tell her when she hurts your feelings but don't depend on her. If she can't go shopping with you, let her find her own dress. If she can go, then enjoy the excursion.
Take heart. You'll find support from other areas. This friend just isn't the person to go to.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 5:24 PM
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Friday, July 10, 2009
BIG FAMILY, STUBBORN GROOM
Dear Elise,
My fiance comes from a very small family, and most gatherings do not even involve all immediate family. I, on the other hand, come from an extremely tight-knit, enormous family where it was normal for aunts, uncles and cousins to drop in on a daily basis. It was a struggle to get my fiance to be ok with opening up the wedding to extended family, but dynamics in our family are such that it is impossible to invite only a few relatives. (If I invite one side of the family, I have to invite the other, if I invite one of my dad's cousins I have to invite them all.) My parents aren't much help in alleviating that pressure, and my fiance is still extremely fixated on having a small wedding. How do I draw the line for my parents? Do you have any suggestions on how to get my parents or my fiance to realize what kind of a situation they're putting me in?
Thanks,
Tired of Trying to Please
Dear Tired,
You're right to be exhausted. Fighting about this particular guest list struggle (big family/little family) is incredibly annoying. You are right that you have to treat all sides of both familes equally. If you invite one uncle, all parental siblings need to be invited. Does your fiance understand this? Make sure that he does, because the last thing you want is for him to suddenly realize that his inviting an uncle and his wife means that you have to issue invitations to twelve people (to take care of your parents' six siblings and their spouses). You may feel additionally obliged to allow more family invitations if your parents are contributing significant amounts of money to your budget.
This may be the time to have a serious conversation with your fiance about numbers. Tell him exactly how important it is to have your family present and make sure he knows how many people you're really talking about. Ask him if he could be open to something more inclusive. He is going to be your husband, so presumably this is the first in a long series of collaborations that are going to require compromise.
You have a lot of pressure on both sides, but you need to figure out what you also want, and what you are willing to offer to get it. Will you cut down on the number of friends you can invite so you can include family? Could you draw the line at first cousins? Would your boyfriend be happier with an "intimate" ceremony witnessed by parents only and then a larger reception"? Why is your fiance fixated on a small wedding? Are his reasons financial or due to a fear a crowds? Prepare not to talk him out of these feelings, but to identify what is going on and negotiate to compromise. Tell him you're in a bad position and ask him to work with you on a solution.
You aren't just being pushed around by opposing interests, you have some of your own. Say what you want and work to get what you want. You can ask for things. It isn't just your job to please everyone.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 2:29 AM
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Friday, July 03, 2009
INVITING A STRANGER
Elise,
I have a friend from out of town. This person is very best friend, and while I have visited my friend multiple times, they have never come and visited me.
I invited my friend to the wedding, and they immediately said of course they'd come. But then the logistics of the situation started to crop up. Since it's my wedding, I'm going to be pretty busy, and my friend doesn't know anybody else who is going to be at the wedding. I don't want them to fly all the way here just so they can feel awkward and out of place the whole time. There's a good chance that my friend will get along swimmingly with my other friends, but if the tables were turned and I was the one flying to another country for my friend's wedding I would feel really nervous about it.
We have plenty of places for our family and friends to stay while they are down here, but I'm afraid telling my friend that they can stay at someone else's house that they've only just met would be really uncomfortable and awkward. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable in any way. Is there a way to do this?
Thank you!
Avoiding Awkwardness
Dear AA,
You are being a good friend to take into account the fact that your friend won't know anyone at your wedding, but fundamentally, that is something s/he has to come to terms with. This is your friend's decision to make. Your friend may be one of those (rare, lucky) people who loves a new crowd and isn't particularly uncomfortable in a room of strangers.
You imply that your friend is either married or is at least partnered with someone who is also invited to your wedding, so s/he wouldn't be traveling alone and she would have someone on hand to talk to and hang out with, whose company could cut down on any awkwardness at not knowing anyone. If this is the case, you really have very little to worry about, but even if it is not, your friend will understand that you will have a lot on your plate that day and won't be able to spend a lot of time with her or him.
As for accommodations, if you have someone in mind who has volunteered to put up a guest (or two), then you can tell your friend that, if s/he likes there are places s/he can stay for free. You may also want to suggest a couple of local hotels in case your friends would prefer to stay on their own.
Don't worry about taking elaborate care of your friend. As long as you are warm and gracious and make some effort at providing introductions, you are in fine shape. Whether or not the introductions take is not something you can control.
Congratulations
Elise
posted by Elise at 3:45 PM
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