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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
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questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com
BIG FAMILY & INVITATIONS
Dear Elise,
I'm getting married soon, and I'm currently trying to make sense of my guest list. I have a very large family (due to everyone getting remarried). My maternal grandmother got remarried when I was 3 to a man I feel is now my real grandfather, and not in any way a replacement for a man I never knew. My grandmother has three children, my mother and my two uncles. My grandfather has 3 children from his previous marriage. I think of them as step-aunts and -uncles because I've only seen them every few years around Christmas, and they've never really felt like family. I've been trying to decide if it would be rude to invite my blood uncles and not my step-uncles & -aunts. It wouldn't really be a problem to invite them if it weren't for the fact that, in total, they have 16 kids. (In groups of 3, 3, and TEN.) The last time I saw any of them was when my step-uncle, who is a cop, pulled me over 2 years ago.
To make matters a bit worse, my fiance does not have a large family. I love his family, and don't want them to feel that they're being engulfed by my family rather than joining it when we get married.
I am, for certain, inviting all of my blood aunts and uncles, but I don't have a clue what the protocol is when it comes to relations by marriage. I don't want my ceremony to be cause for a feud. There will be a few children at my wedding - my daughter and my niece, who is the flower girl, so I can't have an adults only anything. Please help.
- Invitation overload.
Dear Invitation Overload,
This is tricky, but it is not impossible. You will have to keep in mind a couple of general principles of invitation safety:
1. People who are married or in long-term committed relationships get invited with their spouses.
2. It is wisest to invite all members of a group (all aunts and uncles, for example); or to exclude all members of a group (all children).
You can't really quibble with those policies and this makes it easy for you to explain your reasons for doing things. So, your daughter and your niece who is a flower girl may be attending your wedding but you could say that you can't accommodate children beyond those in the wedding party. This is not an uncommon boundary to set, by the way.
And being able to establish that parameter may help you feel more comfortable inviting your step-aunts and uncles. Keep in mind that some or all of them may not be able to attend your wedding. But if you do feel as close to your step-grandfather as you say, he would certainly be pleased to know that you welcomed his children at your wedding.
As for your fiance's family being small, this is of interest but not too much a concern. You aren't trying to show off or compete for the larger family and size discrepancies just happen. As long as you are gracious and perform the appropriate introductions, you'll be fine.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 11:58 AM
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Monday, August 24, 2009
WHY CAN'T THEY SHUT UP
Hello, Elise,
My boyfriend and I just got engaged. Now, everyone has an opinion on what we should do and how to do it. So far, my future mother-in-law thinks that cupcakes are tacky, as is tiramisu. My older sister (is angry that I don't want bridesmaids and that I refuse to wear white. Some busybodies where I work think that I don't value myself enough because my engagement ring is made of sterling silver and moonstone, despite the fact that it's exactly what I wanted. I understand my immediate family being anxious for me, because, so far, I'm the only one in my family who has not eloped, or had kids/was pregnant prior to getting married. I also understand my fiance's family's anxiousness as well. I love my family and his, but I want them to mind their own damned business, because we're not ready to plan right now, and when we are, we would like something that is genuine to who we are, regardless of whether or not it's traditional. Any advice on how I can get well-meaning people to keep their unsolicited advice to themselves, especially if they're not going to be paying for anything?
- Not Letting Others Live Vicariously Through Me
Dear Not Letting Others,
Congratulations! You're engaged. This is terrific news, but obviously it brings out all sorts of weirdness in your family and, it seems, your future in-laws.
The best way to protect yourself in the immediate future is to say nothing. If people ask about your plans, say that you aren't sure and haven't gotten into the thick of planning. If they press, change the subject completely or, if you must stick to the subject of nuptials, ask them what their favorite parts of their own weddings were.
It might be helpful later to think of a couple of small areas in your wedding where you might find some of their advice acceptable to hear. It can be on little things but letting them contribute ideas in small, safe areas will make them feel included in the wedding without this sense of oppression that you are currently experiencing.
At the moment, everyone is excited and anxious. Let the furor subside and just live your life, happily rebuffing all efforts to bully you. Just keep saying that you appreciate their interest but really so happy you have the chance to plan things your way. Be neutral, reveal little and the happier you can be about your choices, the less everyone will be able to argue with you.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 4:13 AM
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Thursday, August 13, 2009
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE HER BUT YOU HAVE TO INVITE HER
Elise,
I am getting married in a year. My parents are divorced; my mom is still single; my father is remarried, but his wife is a bitch. Neither I nor my fiance really want her there. We understand it would be rude to not invite her, since they are married (and I was at their wedding). However, she would know very few people, and her presence would cause problems and stress with my family, friends, boss, and many other guests.
What should I do? I want my father to give me away, I don't want to upset him that his wife isn't wanted, but we really don't want her there.
Please advise.
- Frustrated Future Bride
Dear FFB,
You've identified the bind: you love your father and want him to walk you down the aisle at your wedding, but you want to reject his wife at the same time. This is one of those moments in which, I'm afraid, to get what you want (your father's presence), you will need to make a great compromise. There is no choice but to invite your father's wife.
This does not mean you have to spend much time with her, of course. You can easily, and almost effortlessly be civil and then have so many other people to greet and things to do that you can effectively (and politely) ignore her. Of course her presence will grate on your mother and other people but, again, you are going to be dealing with grown ups who have to accept that divorce and remarriages happen and no one has much control over who one's friends and relatives marry or remarry.
You can't get out of this one, and attempting it will almost surely create a rift with your father that will last longer than having to endure his dreadful wife for a few hours. Think of it this way: if she's awful, she'll be acting badly in what is already enemy territory and she'll come off as more wretched than before. If she manages to be gracious and pleasant, maybe there could be some inroads to a happier future.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 4:20 AM
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009
SLIDING SCALE FOR PRESENTS?
Dear Elise,
A close friend has invited me to his wedding out of state. I plan on attending and will have to fly, rent a car, get a hotel, etc... In other words, I will be spending money to attend this wedding that I wouldn't have otherwise spent if it was in our hometown.
Since I am spending this "extra" money on accommodations do I have to give the same gift I would have given him/them if it was in town? Is it OK to give less?
Thanks,
Budgeting
Dear Budgeting,
You can spend however much you want on your friend's wedding present. That would be the case whether you were traveling for the festivities or not. The trick in all of this is not to enter this nuptial moment with a chip on your shoulder. Yes, you have to spend a bunch of money to attend the wedding, and it may be money you would rather spend elsewhere, but if you have decided to go and feel comfortable about that choice, then make peace with the decision and buy a present that doesn't tax you.
If something about your choice of present makes you feel a little awkward, there is a very easy means to beef up your offering, which will cost very little. Write a sincere and original note about how happy you are for your friend and why you hope the present you chose will bring some pleasure.
Have a great time and don't spend more than you can comfortably afford without rancor.
Cheers,
Elise
posted by Elise at 4:08 AM
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Thursday, August 06, 2009
DAD BACKS OUT
Dear Elise:
Our wedding is scheduled for late August, and we are suddenly in a tight spot. When we first started planning the wedding, we contacted each of our families and asked them what, if anything, they were comfortable contributing financially. We were careful to tell the families that they were under no obligation to contribute anything, but that if they were going to contribute, we would like to know the dollar amount so we could budget the wedding activities accordingly. My mother and my father, who have long been divorced, each independently offered to give us an identical amount of money. On that basis, we planned our wedding.
My father has suddenly developed amnesia and has said that he never promised to contribute anything to the wedding. We are obviously very upset, and are forced to either take on significant debt, or eliminate many things that we had intended to do.
This leaves me in a bind. How do I explain to the wedding attendees about the cuts we are making? More importantly, how am I supposed to blithely allow my father to walk me down the aisle and do the first dance knowing that he abandoned his promise to us for this event?
Sign me,
Less money, mo' problems
Dear LM/MP
This is awful and you're in a terrible situation, but you're just going to have to make the big cuts and keep something in mind: you didn't promise your guests anything besides a wedding and a reception. They won't care if you don't have centerpieces. Your wedding party can be just as happy if you sit down and write each person a heartfelt, personal letter about how pleased you are that he or she is in your life and a member of your wedding. You can modify your menu in all sorts of ways and no one should be able to complain or comment. (There are other alternatives and different ways to pay for things of course, but especially now it is wise to avoid too much debt.)
You don't need to explain anything to anyone as far as your budget goes.
Now, your relationship with your father is different and how you deal with it is another matter. What sort of rift would it cause if you didn't have him walk down the aisle? Is he expecting to do this? Ask yourself all of these questions and then see how things balance out.
If you haven't talked to him about his role in the wedding, you can happily opt to walk yourself down the aisle and skip the father/daughter dance without a backwards glance. If he asks you why you aren't doing these things you can just say that you opted not to.
On the other hand, if he IS expecting to be part of the wedding ceremony, you'll have a few things to ask yourself. If you suspect he would be angry and hurt, is cutting him off this way going to help you? Or would you rather tell him that it shocked and upset you that he changed his mind about helping to pay for your wedding at the eleventh hour? (It is important to let him know that his timing is almost more problematic than backing out of his promise since if he had told you a month ago that he couldn't afford it, you would have obviously been understanding and not hurt.)
Don't mistake money for love and don't seek revenge. If your father offended you, tell him, but don't necessarily go for some sort of retaliatory exclusion without thinking things through. He might not understand why you are cutting him out of things. People can be stupid and unless you tell him why you're upset, he might just blame the unpleasantness on you, which you don't want.
You haven't described your larger relationship with your father, but in general, it is better to address the specific problem (he backed out on a promise of financial help) than add new ones (rejecting him from his aisle walk if he expects it). Think about how you'd like the future of your relationship with your father to be like instead of this moment of real, legitimate anger. Telling him you're mad is more to the point and less damaging than the Grand Gesture.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 4:11 PM
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Monday, August 03, 2009
NOT INVITING MOTHER
Hi Elise!
My fiance and I have been thinking about our wedding and making preliminary plans. The problem is my mother. I do not want her at my wedding. Growing up, we were pretty close, but several years ago she ran out on the family. She was involved with drugs and another man, she has flitted in and out of our lives over the years with promises to change her ways, spent time in rehab and jail, etc. I haven't spoken to her in a year. Our relationship is more or less non-existent. This woman is not the woman who was my momShe has lied extensively, and stolen large amounts of money and even items from various family members to support her drug habits. If she were invited, she would most likely bring her boyfriend, who is the one who got her hooked on drugs and took my mom from me, and who would be about the last person in the world I would want at my wedding.
Although I have no qualms whatsoever about just not inviting her, I'm afraid she will learn the details about the wedding and just show up. I also don't want her calling me and pulling a guilt trip, or trying to invite herself, or even wanting to be involved in any way. I'm also not sure how my family will react. They know how I feel about her and the situation, but I think some of them would be shocked at me not wanting my own mother at my wedding. What would the etiquette be for telling everyone the happy news, but adding "I'm not inviting my mother, and please don't tell her that I'm getting married"?
- Has Mommy Issues
Dear Mommy Issues,
So you've resolved not to invite your mother. Good. You're not waffling or agonizing over what to do in a bad situation. First hurdle crossed.
If you are concerned that people won't agree with you and will try to talk you out of it, prepare a response, something along the lines of: "I know it's unconventional but I have thought about it for a long time and this is the only solution for me." If friends or relatives continue to argue, just say: "I know you feel differently, but this is the way it is going to be and I'm not going to fight about it." Then change the subject.
The way to be convincing is not to be angry or sound as if you're making a rash or hasty decision.
As for asking people not to tell her your wedding particulars, be honest. "I am so happy you can come to my wedding, but I need you to know that I am not going to be inviting my mother and I know you'll understand that I really don't want her to know anything about it, so please don't mention the wedding to her." After that, it is out of your hands. You have done all you can.
There's no question that this is hard and that you're dealing with something that is next to impossible to feel comfortable about. So be gentle and clear about what you need but don't let yourself be bullied. Not everyone will understand your decision, so be prepared to hold your ground.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 11:58 AM
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