|
archive
----------
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
|
 |
You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
Pre-order from:
- Simon & Schuster
- Amazon
- Barnes & Noble
Send your etiquette
questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com
A DAD AT THE BRIDAL SHOWER?
Hello Elise,
I am planning a bridal shower for my best friend of 25 years. She is the most amazing human being ever and deserves every ounce of happiness! So here is my issue:
The bride and groom are paying for the entire wedding themselves. No help from any parents.
She had a very tumultuous relationship with her father her whole life. They just only recently (Past 5 years) began reconnecting. The groom's mother passed away when he was 16, leaving only his father.
My issue is with her future father-in-law. Since his wife has passed, do I send an invitation? I would imagine no. But I do feel that he should have some sort of representation at the shower. After all, he's not contributing to the wedding and he is in essence representing the groom's parents.
What should I do?
LOST!!!
Dear Lost,
Is this a "coed" shower? If that is the case, and if you're inviting the bride's father and other men, then you should include the groom's father on your guest list. If, on the other hand, this is strictly a women-only event, then sticking your friend's future father-in-law on the guest list would only create discomfort and confusion.
The best route to take, as far as making sure the families are well-represented goes, is to ask your friend's fiance if he has anyone he would like to have on the bridal shower guest list. Does he have a sister or an aunt, a close cousin or friend of the family he'd like to include? If he doesn't, this is not a problem but there's no reason to force the family connection.
Sometimes weddings invoke a greater sense of building a family than they do one of blending two families. Don't struggle with your invitation list and just move forward and have fun.
Cheers,
Elise
posted by Elise at 1:02 PM
<link>
............................
Friday, September 18, 2009
CONTROLLING AUNT
Dear Elise,
I recently introduced my fiance to my dad's side of the family, who live on the opposite coast from us. My dad did not raise me and we have had a rocky relationship, but within the last 10 years things have been good. My aunt, with whom I used to be close, with despises my dad and made things very awkward when my fiance met my family. She is upset that I have anything to do with my father and has given me an ultimatum that if I continue to talk with him "her peace is disturbed". She feels upset because she reached out to me when I was 16 when my dad did not and now she feels like it is a slap in her face that I am friends with him, when she thinks he is scum. I was going to invite my whole family, even though I'm not particularly close with all of them. But now I don't feel comfortable with her there, and I don't want to invite everyone else and not her because I think that would definitely be a slap in the face. Can I invite her, with a note stating she can come if all differences can be set aside for one weekend (which I don't think she can do)? Do I only invite my dad, grandma, and cousin that I'm close with and not anyone else so it does not look like I'm singling her out? I wish I could talk this out with her, but she won't compromise.
- Lost
Dear Lost
Did your father ever threaten to take your aunt's life? If their relationship was one of dislike but not abuse, then your aunt doesn't need to know that you've invited him and its none of her business anyway. Guests don't get to make decisions about wedding guest lists. Maybe they get to choose which entrée they'd prefer or what they'd like to drink. Perhaps they can opt out of dancing and certainly they can choose to attend or not but they are not in charge of the guest list. You are. This is true for your aunt, even though you are close to her.
Invite your aunt and then she can sit with herself and figure out whether she is a grown up who is capable of attending a wedding and being happy for her niece even though there is someone she doesn't care for on the guest list, or she can sit home and be ridiculous about it.
Don't talk to her about this any more, though. Arguing will get you nowhere. Invite her and ignore her. If she presses you for information, tell her you aren't going to discuss it and then don't. If she asks you directly about your father, ask her directly about the weather or what she wants to be for Halloween, because that sort of behavior is much more suited to the tween set than a grown up. You're the bigger person here and she is being a troublemaker. Resist her efforts to stir the pot.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 11:21 AM
<link>
............................
Monday, September 14, 2009
MYSTERIES OF THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY GUEST LIST
Dear Elise:
Ack! So my two girlfriends are throwing us an engagement party in a few weeks). So friend #1 set up an online invitation, and then I invited our close friends we were planning to invite to the wedding. Meanwhile, friend #2 invited all these peripheral friends from collegethat I wasn't planning on inviting to the wedding next summer. I know she was just trying to do something nice by inviting the people she thought I was friends with, but I feel really awkward inviting all these people to celebrate my engagement when I don't plan on inviting any of them to the wedding. It is especially awkward because she invited all of these folks that we would probably invite if we didn't want to keep our wedding as small as possible. Not to mention that my fiance doesn't know most of these people...except his ex-girlfriend that friend #2 was kind enough to invite for us.
So what should I do? We obviously can't uninvite all of these people. Should I just invite more peripheral friends to make it as big as possible so everyone will feel equally excluded when they don't get an invite to the wedding? I don't think I should say anything to friend #2 because the damage is already done and I will just hurt her feelings. Do you have any other remedies? Some mitigating circumstances: the party invite was very casual, there is a clear "no gifts" clause, and I am one of the first in our friend group to get married so there isn't much in the way of precedent.
Sleepless
Dear Sleepless,
Wedding event guest lists present innumerable sources of angst and the engagement party is just the first of these events.
Traditionally, the engagement party has been a loose affair, where the guest list doesn't have to mirror that of the wedding, but this relaxed sense of things can be hard to maintain when every other wedding event is so rigorously planned and you don't want the people who aren't on the wedding list to wonder what they did to offend at the engagement party.
You're in luck, though, because your party is informal and it is occurring months before your wedding. You are surely still lodged in the planning stages when anything could happen and a lot of decisions have yet to be made. So your best bet is just to keep on with this party as planned. Make it clear when you're asked that you don't know what your wedding will be like since it is so far away but that you know you'll have to keep it small.
This is all true, and you have no idea how your plans will shift around in eight months. Try to conceive of and present this party as something of a "one-off" and not a link in an endless chain of wedding events. The more you play down the wedding aspect of things and play up the "we're just happy to have you here" element, the better off you'll be. Enjoy yourself with your friends and concentrate on this moment, not the big event on the horizon.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 11:28 AM
<link>
............................
Monday, September 07, 2009
SHOWER CONUNDRUMNS
Elise:
Two of my dear friends live across the country from me (they also live in two different states). Both have told me that they plan to attend my wedding. I am quite sure that they would not make another cross-country trip for my bridal shower. Should I include them on the list of invitees? I don't want them to think that I wasn't thinking of them, but I most definitely don't want to come across as expecting a shower gift. I would include them on the guest list only in the spirit of how lovely it would be if they both still lived around here and would be able to be there that day, but I'm worried that the intention could be misconstrued, especially because the invitations won't come from me (although the guest list info obviously would).
Second, I am fortunate enough to work with some lovely women whom I plan to invite to my wedding. I have no way of knowing if they would throw me an office shower, but I would not be surprised (a few of us recently threw an office baby shower for one of them). In the event that they throw me an office shower before my "official" (non-work) shower, is it appropriate to invite them to the "official" shower? Again, in the situation I'm fearing, they would have already contributed to a gift for me, and I don't want to seem as though I'm expecting a second gift. However, I doubt either of them would be comfortable showing up at a friends-and-family shower empty-handed. I don't want to offend them by not inviting them to the shower. (Of course, as I type this, I realize that I was not invited to the "official" baby shower, nor did I expect to be, and I took no offense.)
I think in both situations the safer route is not to send invitations, but I would love your advice and perspective.
Best regards,
- Anxious
Dear Anxious,
Showers are such uncomfortable things, aren't they? It can feel as if there's no winning with all the second-guessing and backwards glances they encourage.
There are, though, some traditional rules that may help you navigate these events and the feelings they churn up.
The traditional policy about shower invitations is that one should invite local people to one's shower. This keeps the pressure off people to travel. Showers are smaller events, not nearly as significant as weddings and shouldn't require a lot of extra travel and expense.
That said, if you do feel uncomfortable about now including your friends, you could tell them that you wouldn't want them to have to travel for your shower but (and this is only if there is time when they come to town for your wedding) you'd love it if the three of you could grab a couple of hours in the days before your wedding to have a celebratory moment together.
As for your office situation, you can't know what your work friends are planning so you should not beat yourself up about the possibility of your work friends planning something. If you, at this moment, want to come up with a list of guests and feel like including them, you should feel free to do so. On the other hand, if this is all future-thinking, you can wait to see what your work shower situation is before you make up your mind.
In general, you are right that most guests really only need to attend one wedding shower because of the Present Imperative, but if you find yourself surprised into two, don't get upset. You won't be able to control everything and if your friends do wind up at two showers, they will surely understand how that happened.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 4:29 AM
<link>
............................
|
