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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
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Send your etiquette
questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com
MUCH MORE THAN SHE BARGAINED FOR
Dear Elise,
When I got married I did my best to make it easy for my four bridesmaids. They wore dresses they already owned, I skipped having a bridal shower, the bachelorette party was a ladies night in two nights before the wedding which I paid for, and I put them up in my parent's house so they had no hotel fees.
Now, I am the matron of honor at one of my bridesmaid's wedding. Its a destination wedding, so its already going to cost a couple thousand for my husband and me to go. She picked a $300 dress, which I won't wear again. And now her mother is calling me and telling me I need to host a shower, which would be several hundred dollars plus I would need to travel to the city where she lives.
I'm feeling pretty bitter because I went out of my way to make her life as my bridesmaid easy and I am not feeling like she is showing me any consideration at all. At what point can I say enough, or do I just have to suck it up and do it because I accepted this "honor"?
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
It isn't unreasonable for you to be put out. Aside from your own inclination to make things easier on your friends with your own wedding, which is laudable but beside the point, your responsibilities to your friend, both financial and temporal, keep getting greater and greater.
Yours is a perfect example of why everyone should have a frank conversation about finances and time commitments before signing on to honor attendant positions. You may be tremendous friends but the boring details of living really are more important than the fantasy of the wedding. This goes for civilians and the wedding couple alike. Everyone should look to their budgets and the state of their jobs, lives, friendships, even in the throes of planning nuptials.
But that advice comes a few hours late for you. Now you need to take counsel. What are you willing to do? What feels comfortable? Figure this out for yourself and then call up your friend's mother and tell her what you can do. Lay it out for her simply and explain what your budget permits and say that if she wants to contribute, she is welcome to do so. You should not have to make yourself uncomfortable for a wedding. While it would be unpleasant for you to withdraw completely, you can be nice and honest about your limitations and how all of these expenses have added up. Then you can ask what your friend's mother would propose given your budget. She may kick in money or have other suggestions. But try not to get angry. This sort of thing happens all the time and the key to resolution is to sort out the current issue. There's no shame in having limits and there's nothing wrong in asking for help.
Cheers,
Elise
posted by Elise at 12:56 PM
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009
TERMS OF ADDRESS
Dear Elise,
I'm having a slight disagreement with my husband-to-be over how our wedding invitations should be addressed.
I am aware that the traditional, accepted way of doing this is to write "Mr. and Mrs. George Washington." As a feminist, I find that style of addressing offensive. Other women may feel differently, but I consider my name part of my identity, and I'm not losing that when I get married. I am keeping my own name after the wedding, and I wouldn't like to receive an invitation addressed that way!
Even though it's clumsier and perhaps not as aesthetically pleasing, I much prefer addressing invitations "Mr. George and Mrs. Martha Washington." I also don't see why the man should take precedence, especially if the woman is a doctor and the man is not (I do understand that it's not a hierarchical system), but I'm willing to concede that point, for etiquette's sake. Is it acceptable, etiquette-wise, to use the latter mode of addressing rather than the former? Yours,
- Not Mrs. George Anybody
Dear Not Mrs George,
You are perfectly entitled to choose how you'd like to be addressed. Since you intend to keep your own name anyway, it is unlikely that anyone who actually knows you would address an envelope to your household that didn't include your name.
But that is what pleases you and makes you comfortable. And what makes you happiest in this instance might not go for everyone. Why do you and your husband-to-be feel that every envelope addressed to every couple with the same last name needs to be addressed consistently? What if his aunt and her husband would really prefer the traditional "Mr. and Mrs. George Washington" format while you know that your brother and his wife would think you had lost your mind if they got anything other than a letter to "Mrs. Martha and Mr. George Washington"? If you know that some people would be happy with one format over the other, why wouldn't you address the envelope the way that would be most pleasing to your guests?
It also doesn't really how you decide to order the names. There is a "ladies first" tradition, of course, but you can opt to list them alphabetically if that suits you.
You won't win people to your preferred style of address, just as people who like the so-called "traditional" Mr. and Mrs. Hisname format are not necessarily going to embrace anything different, so why not throw caution to the winds and address your guests as you think they would like to be called? You're going to all sorts of other efforts to make them happy and keep them comfortable with food and drink and comfortable chairs, why not this courtesy as well?
Above all, you don't need to argue about this.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 6:10 PM
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Sunday, October 18, 2009
MARRYING WHEN A SIBLING CAN'T
Dear Elise,
I recently got engaged and am in the process of planning the wedding. I am stuck in a moral predicament: should I actually get married when my brother doesn't even have the right to marry, or should we hold out until all the states to allow gays to be married? I wish that he could officially have that right.
I don't want to showcase the fact that I can and he cannot.
Any advice?
Thanks,
- Feelin' Guilty
Dear FG,
It is unquestionably unfortunate that your brother can't marry as freely as you. Your own marriage, however, does not jeopardize his happiness or his ability to get married.
If you look at your situation from a different angle, there may be other approaches you can take to this issue that allow you to marry and still acknowledge the injustice done to your brother (and others) in states where homosexual marriage is illegal.
You could, in lieu of favors, donate money to various organizations that support and fight for gay marriage. Another possibility is for you to, instead of a standard wedding registry, set up a registry for donations to those organizations. You could also educate yourself and others on the issue and do your own activist work. The ACLU is one place to start your research, but there are many other groups doing work in this area as well.
The thing to keep in mind is that your marriage would not impede your brother's ability to marry but your efforts to further the cause of gay marriage could help him. So rather than celebrating an inequality, you would be taking the opportunity to bring this issue to light in a personal way.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 3:21 PM
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
PARENTS CHANGING THE TERMS
Dear Elise
My financee's parents agreed up front to pay for all of her invited guests, her family and their own friends. Now that it is time for the wedding her parents told us that their expectation is that we give them any monetary gifts we receive from the guests they are paying for. A fairly large number of these people would not have been invited if we had understood this expectation up front, we also would have chosen a less expensive venue. Please tell me what you know of this tradition or expectation?
Thanks
- WHAT?
Dear WHAT,
Well, I can tell you with utter certainty that I have never heard of such an arrangement, and to whatever extent these sorts of things exist, they occur on an individual basis, not located in tradition or etiquette.
Speaking strictly from a "fairness" perspective, it is a bit awful of your future in-laws to perform some sort of bait-and-switch when it comes to their contribution to your wedding.
This is a curious set-up though. What makes your future in-laws think that all of "their" guests will be giving you cash? (And this doesn't matter, but I have to ask: if you received a strange, impractical vase or one of those Venus de Milo statues with a clock embedded in the belly would they be so eager for you to fork it over?) Why have they suddenly changed their minds?
Here is the problem: your future in-laws are being unreasonable but they will be your future in-laws for quite a long time. You and your fiancee should have a conversation with them and talk to them about their shifting expectations and why they suddenly decided that their contribution should be a loan.
If you are angry and in a position to scale back and want to do that, you should tell them that you are grateful that they wanted to loan you the money but that you have decided you don't need it. If you take the money they offered, for the sake of your future relations, try not to stay too obviously angry and see if you can find a way to a pleasant resolution. The guests' gifts are indeed meant for you and not for your in-laws, but it will be important for you to weigh all your choices against your long-term relationships with them.
I'm very sorry you find yourself in this spot. It is very unusual, so you'll have to grope your way down the path and do your best to feel comfortable with your choices.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 9:17 AM
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Thursday, October 08, 2009
WORRYING THE THANK YOU NOTE
Dear Elise,
I was married two weeks ago and I'm totally befuddled about certain aspects of writing thank you notes. And in We have a few issues:
First, I had a bridal gathering the morning of our wedding with a handful of close friends. It was super sweet and each woman gave me a small token to represent what I am bringing with me into married life. I have only received a wedding gift from two of the ten women present, so I am not sure if I should send thank you to all of the women right now or wait to see if they send an additional wedding gift (one woman told me she would be doing this).
Second, many of our friends are somewhat unconventional and I'm not sure if we will be receiving gifts from them. While I have some sadness and confusion about this, we did have a truly amazing wedding celebration with all of our loved ones, and I want to acknowledge our guests for this. All of our guests, even local ones, also traveled at least 2.5 hours to get to the wedding location; many traveled by plane to get here. Some camped, and others stayed in affordable lodging at our wedding site. I know that some people send general thank you notes for celebrating with us--but I don't want to do this preemptively if they are still planning to send a gift. How long is an appropriate time to wait? Also, if someone gave a card but no gift, should we go ahead and send a thank you for that?
And third, I am concerned that gifts and/or cards could have been lost at our gift table. This happened to at least one card that we know of. I would feel horrible if we didn't acknowledge someone's gift because we didn't receive it.
In general, I am surprised that we have received gifts from less than 50% of our wedding guests. I am also surprised that we haven't received gifts from our more conventional family members. Is it normal to receive gifts well after the wedding date? Are people not giving gifts due to the recession? I don't know that I am over-thinking a lot of this, but I am getting overwhelmed about dealing with the aforementioned issues. Mostly, we just want to thank our guests and do the right thing, with out making a grave etiquette faux-pas. I would greatly appreciate any advice!
Best,
Befuddled and Overwhelmed
Dear B&O,
Try to settle down. You're still riding the wake of an enormous experience, and it is easy to feel all sorts of pressures that aren't really there.
Now, the first thing to do, thank you note-wise, is to write notes for the presents you did receive. Don't wait in anticipation of other things coming in; if they do, just zap off another little missive. This takes care of all of your immediate work.
The whole question of presents is difficult because not everyone gives them. It is more complicated because most people do not bring presents to weddings, preferring to send them before or after the event. This is especially the case where travel is involved (as it was for your nuptials). So relax. Some presents may appear. You never know.
As for why people give or don't give presents, I couldn't say. They are not required to do so, but it would be nice for them to acknowledge the wedding in some way, even with a letter or a card, but it is not required. Perhaps the recession has hit people hard. Maybe they're very busy and haven't gotten around to getting anything. Maybe they feel that traveling and staying overnight was the best they could manage. It is impossible to say. What you should not do, however, is take the absence of presents as any kind of statement about you.
You aren't obligated to send cards to everyone who attended, thanking them for coming. If you like you can take a middle road and send a casual email, but this is the sort of gesture you only need to make if you are moved to do so. You don’t need to get into an endless exchange of thank you cards if people sent thank you cards to you first, unless they contained checks or cash, in which case you absolutely should write back.
As for possible lost cards or presents, there is nothing I can say. You could try to do a little detective work and weed through your guest list, and call people who might have an idea of what was going on (your family, the venue). Do your best, but that's all you can do.
At this point, start treating the cards not as a part of the wedding but as a little ongoing chore. It will keep visiting you for months and eventually dissipate. Enjoy being married and try not to take the absence of presents personally. Sometimes not having to write a card is a present in and of itself.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 4:11 AM
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Thursday, October 01, 2009
DAD SUDDENLY AND ANNOYINGLY ASSERTIVE
Dear Elise
I'm getting married soon and a question has recently come up about my brother's girlfriend. He's only been seeing her a few months but they are serious about each other and as far as I'm concerned she's coming to the wedding as his partner. However my father doesn't really approve of her and is now insisting that she does not sit next to my brother in the front row with the rest of the family. I think he's just trying to exert some control as he's quite traditional minded and our wedding isn't going to be traditional (it's not in church, I'm not wearing white, my fiance's been married before etc) and as we are paying for it I guess my parents feel they don't have a lot of say.
I really don't want this to be a big issue, I know he hasn't mentioned it to my brother yet but if he does then my brother will probably threaten not to come and it'll cause a whole lot of bad feeling. What can I say to my dad to keep everyone happy?
Yours,
Trying to Keep the Peace!
Dear Trying,
The rules about who sits where during wedding ceremonies are vague and quite flexible, and what the actual rules are really doesn't matter anyway for your purposes because your father is interested in making a statement. Your father is not making a point about tradition.
You could approach this matter by disguising the problem and reserving the front row only for parents and grandparents of both you and your fiance, leaving all other relatives (including siblings) in other rows.
You could also tell your father that you feel uncomfortable making people unhappy around the circumstances of your wedding. Say that this is a happy event for you and that you don't want to taint it with any unnecessary bad feelings. Offer to have photographs taken with and without your brother's girlfriend, so that your father will be able to have some "family only" shots if that is what is important to him, but be firm when you say that you just don't feel you can publicly shun your brother and his girlfriend.
These points can be made gently, but don't let your father walk over you in this. He is an honored guest who has made an impossible request. You don't need to cave to it even as you offer some consolation snapshots.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 9:13 AM
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