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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
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questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com
HOLIDAY TUG-OF-WAR
Dear Elise,
I am engaged. I get along well with his family; his mom really likes me. Our parents live in the same town. My mother and I are close. His mom is much older and while she and he get along, they don't have a friendship, per se; he doesn't see her all that frequently.
Additionally, my siblings are younger and live with my mom. His siblings are much older, live away and are busy. Needless to say I see my family regularly. He doesn't, but we both make an effort to visit with our parents, as a couple, once a month. When the holidays roll around he wants to spend tons of time with his family, but I don't like the option of having to see EVERYONE each holiday. He is willing to see my family, but must also see his each day.
I like the idea of Thanksgiving with one family. Easter with another. Christmas Eve with one. Christmas Day with another. Ultimately that would mean we either don't see my family at all, we see mine AND his in one day or we split up for the day. The last option seems unnatural and cold for two people about to get married.
Is he being stubborn and unyielding? This issue is huge for me and is making me reconsider how I feel about him as a person. What happens if we were to have kids? I like to be somewhere and relax. These aren't casual "pop in" situations. If we were late to his mother's she'd call 50 times asking where we were.
It doesn't help that his family gatherings are uptight, boring and I have to walk on eggshells when I am there because so many forbidden topics exist with them and he winds up getting upset with me if I say something wrong. This makes me not really enjoy time with them, even if they aren't bad people, but I don't want to tell him this because it is hurtful.
Do I need to chill the heck out? How can I convince him that splitting time each holiday isn't relaxing? I've brought this up in a logical, calm conversation and got no results. I ended up crying.
- And so it begins.
Dear And So,
This is not an uncommon problem at all. It comes up for couples constantly, many of whom have much larger distances between respective families, so you are far from alone.
The only way to make headway here is to compromise. These gestures made now will help you if you have children in that you will start "training" yourselves and your families about what to expect from the holidays. You can't split yourselves in two and you don't want to give anyone short shrift.
So, when cool heads are ascendant talk to your fiance and explain how the holiday plans are upsetting you, NOT because you don't care for his family and their odd conversational minefields, but because you find you get anxious trying to balance everyone out and say that you feel that you need a game plan that involves compromise on both your parts.
Splitting Christmas Eve and Christmas Day should be very easy. Tell him that every year one family gets one of those days and the other can have the other and then you'll swap the next year. (If you want to be especially generous on the years your fiance's family gets Christmas Eve you could agree to visit for breakfast on Christmas Day as well, as long as it doesn't interfere with your family's celebrations.) Thanksgiving can also be broken up into two days or an early visit at one house followed by dinner at another (again, depending on what time everyone eats). Then, since it tends to be a long weekend, you can gather for a post-Thanksgiving meal with whatever family didn't have the actual "dinner" that year.
I could go on and on parsing different holidays, but the point is that you don't have to divide each day equally, nor do you have to deny one family an entire holiday with you each year. What you DO have to do is recognize your limitations and come up with a plan that gives time to both families in a reasonable, sane way.
This is worth talking about and it is perfectly reasonable to say that the current system isn't working for you. But you'll fare better if you approach your fiance with a plan and admit that you know you and he will both have to compromise on time spent with each family. This is obviously something that is important to both of you so don't diminish his feelings even if his don't seem as strong as yours. At the same time, hold your ground and work a solid course of action. Remember, you can always revise your plans later but you have to try something first.
Cheers
Elise
posted by Elise at 11:41 AM
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Saturday, November 14, 2009
SMALL WEDDING / BIG EVENTS
Dear Elise,
My fiance and I are planning a small ceremony this spring, followed by dinner at a nice restaurant. We were only planning on inviting immediate family to the ceremony and dinner (parents, grandparents, and siblings); however, since my mother has passed away, I would also like her brother and sisters to attend (my parents were separated, and so I don't feel my father's presence alone would adequately represent her). Following the ceremony and dinner, I thought it would be fun to plan a get-together that includes all of my local family (other aunts/uncles, cousins, their children, etc.) at a hometown bowling alley, where we could reserve some lanes and provide plenty of beer and pizza for those who weren't with us earlier. My fiance's immediate family will be traveling for this wedding, and they plan to throw us a party this summer with all their extended family and friends, so I thought it would be nice to have something immediately following our wedding for my local extended family while I'm in town.
However, these plans have a couple of things gnawing at me: 1.) If I invite just my mother's siblings to the ceremony/dinner, I'm worried this will offend my aunts/uncles on my father's side, to whom I'm not as close but who are also local (though I think their inclusion would not only turn the former half of the event into something entirely different, but would also further diminish/overshadow the numbers of my fiance's family, who are not local and whose extended family would not be attending). 2.) By throwing a bowling party right after our ceremony/dinner, I'm afraid this would be "rubbing in" the fact that my extended family wasn't invited to the former events and would end up feeling like a consolation event.
Am I over thinking all this? I want all of my family to feel included and have a wonderful time celebrating with us, despite our wishes for a small, simple wedding beforehand. Thanks for any guidance you can provide, Elise --
- Wanting a little wedding
Dear Wanting,
You are over thinking things a little bit, so your trick will be to find a way to clarify what you want to do.
Are you saying you want to hold your wedding, have a dinner and then go out for pizza afterwards? That seems like a terribly heavy schedule. Would you consider moving your bowling/pizza event to the day after your wedding? Shifting things over by a day will relieve you of some of the pressure you're feeling.
Having the pizza bash on a separate day will make it easier to delineate that event as more of a family reunion than something that is explicitly wedding-based, and you won't be so overwhelmed. But you may also want to consider opening up your casual event to a larger crowd, just to keep everyone happy. It is unlikely people would be upset about not having been invited to your fiance's family's pre-wedding party in his hometown, given that it is so separated in time and space from the actual wedding, but excluding large groups from something on the wedding day itself can be an issue, for obvious reasons.
When planning wedding events, the best way to keep people from being offended is to employ an "invite everyone or no one" policy. So if you invite one set of aunts and uncles, the other set should be included as well. Perhaps, this is not the answer that you're looking for, but it is the safest for everyone's feelings in the long run. Has your fiance decided not to invite his aunts and uncles to the wedding, if he has them? That choice may be an awkward one if you are still planning to invite your parents' siblings. Do you really want to have this sort of division, or the appearance that you chose one family over the other at the wedding?
Having said that, it is not productive to worry about families being jealous of each other for their relative sizes at a wedding. Weddings are not competitions to prove which side of the aisle is more capable and interested in reproducing. If one side is small and the other large, then everyone may have to try a little harder to make introductions, but it is not a matter anyone should be upset about, and certainly not for more than a few moments.
There is nothing wrong with having a tiny wedding ceremony and a larger group for the reception, but you need to make it clear what you are doing. If you have a tiny ceremony and reception and then have everyone else over for pizza after that, people may feel a little awkward about the group they wound up in, but if you have your pizza event on a different day, you look like you just want to celebrate more now that your tiny wedding happened and you can relax. So, think about how you can construct your plans to include or exclude these groups. What do you see happening in each case? Then try to see your choices as having more to so with establishing a happy groundwork for the future instead of thinking entirely about the day of the wedding itself.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 5:09 PM
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Monday, November 02, 2009
CAN I INVITE EVERYONE?
Dear Elise,
My parents, my fiance's parents and my fiance and I are each inviting a mutually agreed upon number of guests to our wedding. (Each set of parents is inviting 70 guests, we are inviting 35 guests, and everyone's happy.) My fiance's and my guest list is comprised of our friends. In terms of our friends in relationships, we're inviting both spouses of married couples, both partners of couples who are living together, and both partners of couples who are engaged. The remaining friends are either single or in a not-very-long-term relationship. We'd love to invite them to bring dates, but our budget won't allow for that unless several invitees decline to attend.
So, here is my question. If after we send out our invitations, we receive enough replies from guests not attending to equal the number of single friends, can we then casually invite these friends to bring a date if they like? Or is that in poor taste? I would never do a b-list round of invitations, but I'm not sure if plus-ones for guests who have already been invited fall into the same category. I don't want to be rude and tacky, but I also want as many friends to enjoy the company of a date to the extent our budget will allow.
What do you think?
- Would Like Everyone Around
Dear Would Like Everyone,
The biggest issue with this lies in logistics. To be perfectly fair, you would have to wait until you had received "regrets" from enough people so that you could contact all of your single guests and let them know that they are welcome to bring a date. Then, you might need each person to get back to you with that date's name. And you'll probably need a final head count for your caterer some time before the event as well.
Perhaps you can pull this off, but it may be too complicated. I don't know if you'd be waiting on two or three people to be unavailable or ten. As long as you know what you're in for with this decision, you can go for it. You would just need to contact (preferably directly, with a telephone call) your single guests and say that you are happy that you have space available and are excited to be able to invite extra guests.
If anyone is put out by a happy, gracious gesture like this, you're probably doing him a favor by offering him a chance to object to something.
See how things play out for you. This may be something doable or it may be too hard, but in either case as long as you proceed carefully and invite dates for everyone if you can, you should be fine.
Congratulations,
Elise
posted by Elise at 11:09 AM
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