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Monday, June 29, 2009

MENU PLANNING

Elise,

I am a vegan and I assumed that having a vegan wedding would be a non-issue, but it's turning out to be the biggest issue. My fella's an almost vegan vegetarian and we have a fair number of veg friends who will be attending our wedding.

My parents graciously offered to pay for the wedding entirely and they haven't balked once about my untraditional plans, but have in passing remarked about "putting their foot down" about the food. My mom even suggested having two sets of food and wedding cakes: vegan and "regular." This is ridiculous to me. We live in Fort Worth, TX, which has a sizable vegan community. A local vegan restaurant does wedding cakes that I doubt anyone would even recognize as vegan if they weren't told. The caterer I want to use makes Mediterranean food that, again, I doubt anyone would recognize as vegan.

I'm not planning on making a big announcement and there's going to be no "Gotcha!" moment. I'm not trying to dupe anyone into eating anything weird, nor am I going to feed them grass. I doubt some family guests even know what veganism is, let alone that I'm vegan. They might notice the lack of steak, but I bet you they will eat the tasty food with no hesitation.

On a touchy-feely note, I am kind of hurt that my parents' don't "get it." I know they're paying, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that me and my husband-to-be can eat everything at a party that's us-centric. I would feel a little outsider-y (like I always do at family gatherings) if there were separate food and wedding cake for us. I think my dad especially is concerned about this being a hippie-dippie event that people will judge hard.

I intend on having a calm discussion with them soon in which I rationally explain myself, but I need an outsider's opinion... Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks so much,

Hungry Bride

Dear Hungry Bride,

Your situation is not unusual at all. Food takes on all sorts of complicated social connotations when it comes to weddings, and people's expectations can come into conflict with individual choices such as yours. Some people have fights over whether or not a wedding cake can be chocolate. Other people don't think a wedding reception is complete without shrimp cocktail. There are plenty of points of contention.

So. As a general matter, one has more control over the choices for one's wedding if one is paying for it. This makes sense. It stands to reason that the people writing the checks may want to exert some influence over what they are buying. You mention that while your parents are paying for your wedding, they have been very easygoing about most of your choices, so in many ways you're ahead of the game. This is good because it indicates their flexibility.

It is not so much that you're being unreasonable in your wishes, but you really need to take into consideration your parents' feelings and opinions. Again, if you were footing the bill, you would have much less to think about, but because your parents are paying, they deserve for some of their ideas and wishes to be respected.

Having said that, there should be a few points of compromise that won't leave you feeling marginalized at your own wedding. I don't think your parents don't "get" your food sensibilities but they may want you to understand their wishes and the sensibility they want to project at your wedding as well. They are both literally and emotionally invested in it.

The most practical choice for you at this point is to look for ways you can compromise. Would you be willing to serve some non-vegan dishes in addition to the vegan ones and then have an entirely vegan wedding cake? That might be all your parents are thinking about. So if you must, you could think that the non-vegans will be marginalized at the reception. Honestly, though, you'd be best off recasting your thinking to imagine that your reception is simply inclusive: mostly vegan, with a couple of nods to the non-vegans out there, and to your parents who are being supportive and generous even if they want to express their interests too.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:18 PM    <link>

DIFFICULT, NOT COMPLICATED

Hello,

We are in quite a predicament. My fiance has been friends a buddy of his for 20 years. My fiance has only tolerated this buddy's obnoxious and rude wife. I met this couple and, against my better judgment, became friends with the wife. Recently, we had a MAJOR falling out and this woman and I have decided to end our volatile and unhealthy friendship. Both gentlemen are aware of this unfortunate, inevitable incident.

So the problem is, how do we invite my fiance's buddy but NOT the awful wife (neither one of us want her there, trust me)? He is a pretty close friend of my fiance. We could just limit to family but I hate not having some friends there. We shouldn't have to jump through hoops for this antagonizing woman. It is our special day with a small, sweet, simple ceremony and reception, so it could be seriously awkward and awful with this woman there. We really just want to invite only people that we love to our wedding.

It's gone beyond the point of sucking it up and apologizing at this point on both ends. I'm happy to eat crow or own up to my end of the argument except neither my fiance nor I can determine what I should apologize for I'm really trying to do the right thing and invite only his friend Have you any advice or wisdom?

Tornbride

Dear Tornbride,

While it is surely the case that your fiance's friend's wife is a harridan, you're going to have to accept the fact that it would be insulting to your fiance's friend not to invite her to your wedding.

This leaves you with a simple choice: don't invite them or invite them both as the couple they are. (There is an element of chance in inviting them, by the way, since it is possible that the wife will decide she doesn't want to go.)

There is no reason to apologize for anything or rehash any or all of the fights you have had with this woman, but there is also no way to politely exclude her that wouldn't be offensive to your fiance's friend. He would not really enjoy a wedding that so ostentatiously excluded his life-partner. If you don't invite them at all, you can always use the tried and true: "We are having a small wedding" line. Or just say that you can't invite everyone but that you'd love to celebrate with him privately.

This is not ideal for your fiance, obviously, so you and he will have to have a conversation in which you weigh how much he wants his friend at the wedding against how much you don't want the friend's wife there.

It is hard to believe that there isn't any middle ground, but there really isn't, and in a way this is best. You don't have to try to come up with weird excuses or say anything that no one will believe anyway. Invite them or don't and make peace with the decision. You don't need to decide where the blame lies or do anything complicated and weird. Just figure out what you can live with and move on.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:00 PM    <link>

NO, THAT'S NOT A TRADITION

Hi Elise,

My former maid of honor (she had another commitment so we ended up replacing her in the honor role and she decided to be a regular guest at the wedding) is obsessed with wearing a similar veil to the one I plan on wearing. She initially wanted to wear one as my maid of honor, because she thought I wouldn't be wearing one. (I don't think that makes it better.) I told her more than once I would not like that at all. This week she sent me a picture of a bridal veil that looks exactly like mine, which she is buying to wear to my wedding! I completely lost it.

I was wondering if this is a regional thing. My fiance and I have seen people who are not the bride wearing veils before, nor have our families, or anyone else I've talked to. I've asked a lot of people since her attitude was that this was my problem and not an attempt at disrespect.

I absolutely do not want anyone to wear a veil but me. I am wearing a non-traditional dress and its the only bit of "bride" I have going for me. Should I be worried that other guests will wear veils as well? It feels rather asinine to include in the dress code for our wedding: "no veils or bouquets."

Veil Distress

Dear Veil Distress,

This is the first time I have received this particular query. I have gotten more letters about mothers of the wedding couple wanting to wear wedding gowns themselves. Fascinating.

Random bridal veil wearing by wedding guests, especially when the veils in question are identical to one the bride will wear (and not the sort of things one finds on chic cocktail hats or part of any religious affiliation) is not a popular regional tradition. In fact, if it is traditional anywhere or in any culture, it is such a particular proclivity that you needn't consider trying to think generally about it.

Your friend is mistaken if she thinks this is appropriate. She may be joking of course, since there is also the certainty that she will look ridiculous with a big white veil trailing around behind her. She isn't a preschooler, is she? Only if she is under five could this be considered a charming fashion option.

You certainly don't need to include any information about what not to wear to your wedding on your invitations. Very few people would decide to wear a veil, carry a bridal bouquet or don a wedding gown, and those who have this in mind would not be likely to be deterred by any caution on your invitation.

If she keeps talking up the veil, you can either ignore her because she is clearly trying to get a rise out of you, or you can laugh and say that it's a funny idea but will surely look foolish.

Then if she does turn up at your wedding in a veil, you can be happy to know that you will have at least a few pictures for the future that will make you laugh. The bigger deal you make out of this, the bigger it will become. You can always ask your photographer to avoid snapping shots of the veil wearer or ask that she take if off for photos, but your best bet for now is to drop it. This is nothing you need to talk about or even ponder right now. Let her have her fun and know that if she goes through with it, you aren't going to be the one looking peculiar.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 1:59 PM    <link>

CAN'T INVITE EVERYONE

Dear Elise,

I am getting married at the end of this summer. I met my fiance through a college friend who went to high school with him. My college friend is also one of my bridesmaids. She and I recently got in an argument when she told me I was rude for not inviting a mutual acquaintance, who happens to be an ex of my fiance to the wedding.

My friend says that it is rude because I am inviting other people from this group who all hung out in high school. The difference, as I see it is that we see those other people regularly. If we didn't need to keep our guest list down for the venue I would invite the ex just to alleviate the issue, but the ex is not the only acquaintance we have had to leave of the list because of space (and cost).

I had hung out with the ex before I met my fiance a few times and quite a bit during the time we dated because she is very close with my bridesmaid. But my fiance and I moved to a different city a few years ago and I have only seen this woman a few times since we left town. She and my fiance are not on bad terms but she is not someone we talk to or hang out with. I am worried about the issue blowing up again when we all (including the ex) attend a mutual friends wedding this month. I have no doubt that the subject will come up again, all the women involved are opinionated and outspoken, and I have heard the ex is upset as well. I am not sure how to handle this, and it hurts my feelings that my bridesmaid thinks I am being rude and seems to be telling me who I should and should not invite to my wedding. Do you have any suggestions of how to best handle this conversation if she or anyone else brings it up again?

Thanks,

Don't Like Drama

Dear DLD,

It isn't really your bridesmaid's business who you invite to your wedding or how you handle all of the boring but normal complications of your guest list. It also isn't even entirely your decision, since presumably your fiance has something to say about who comes to the wedding as well.

The only thing to say when people bring up this issue is something along these lines: "I'm really we couldn't invite her. There are a lot of people we couldn't invite and I wish I could have everyone come." That should be the end of that.

Unless you really are inviting every single member of this group and singing this one woman out for exclusion, you should be in fine shape. But do think about your choice. If you are really only leaving your fiance's ex girlfriend off the guest list and inviting the rest of this high school crowd, you may want to at least talk to your fiance about what is means to invite everyone except this person. This doesn't mean that your friend "wins" the debate, by any means. It is just nice to be inclusive and make people happy where you can.

You aren't in the wrong and it is a little weird of your friends to bully you, but keep your temper. You have very real guest list restrictions and that is the beginning and end of it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:42 AM    <link>

SHOWER CONTROL

Hello,

I'm asking your advice on how to deal with a well-meaning but socially clueless friend. I'm getting married in a few months fall, but I have no "official" maid of honor. This means it's no one's "job" to throw me a bridal shower, and I'm fine with that. In this economy, I don't want to force those kinds of expectations on anyone.

Recently, a close friend offered to throw a shower. But her tastes are expensive and her finances are tight. So her idea is to throw the party in a very pricey hotel suite, and to ask the guests to all chip in on the cost. I think this is an unbearably tacky thing to do. If she were willing to do something more modest, I'd offer to pay for it myself. But I can't afford the kind of party she's planning, and I can't stand the idea of her soliciting my other friends and family for money.

How can I politely deal with this, without insulting my friend's taste or manners? Your advice is appreciated.

- I Want Sanity

Dear IWS,

Of course you're right that your friend's idea isn't really acceptable. No matter what the economy is doing to people it is a terrible ides to have a party and expect people to pay. This is sadly one of the side effects of all of those aspirational wedding shows on cable. They look so lovely but financially, they're nearly impossible for normal people to execute.

The first thing to do is to tell your friend that you can't accept having a shower (a party for which people already have to bring presents) where people have to pay to attend. Make that very clear and then suggest some alternatives that you would find acceptable. The scale doesn't have to be huge or fancy.

What would you like to do? If you have some other ideas you can suggest it my help your friend make the transition from thinking of the extravagant hotel bash to something more reasonable.

You can also skip the shower entirely and just tell your friend that you'd rather spend an afternoon with her than the whole rigmarole of the shower.

Nip this in the bud, though. You don't want to be stuck with a party that makes you squirm.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:43 AM    <link>

MOTHER WANTS TO EXCLUDE

Hi Elise:

I will be 27 years old at my wedding. My parents divorced when I was 9, and both were remarried before high school; therefore, I have had step parents throughout my formative years. I am very close with both parents and they are sharing costs for the wedding, at approximately a 70/30 split. I am also close with my step parents.

My mother does not want the step parents named on the wedding invitation.

She cites Crane Stationary etiquette and the like as proof that only my natural parents should be listed. Honestly, I am not comfortable leaving the step parents out but am not sure how to proceed because I have two conflicting interests:
1. Including everyone and acknowledging that I will be in both families for the rest of my life
2. Honoring my mother as THE "Mother of the Bride"

Because of this problem, I'd rather elope and completely avoid the issue!
Thanks,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

You are right to want to include everyone on your wedding invitation. This would be the case even if everyone weren't contributing to your wedding budget, but since that is the case, it would be warmest and most fair to include everyone on your invitation.

And your mother is mistaken.

If you are wondering about how to include both couples on the invitation, they would appear on two lines, separated by an "and" line, with your mother and her husband on the first line and your father and his wife on the other. (The column from 6.6.2009 deals with this format, and as you can see, it doesn't matter how many people have the same last name or not.)

It is hard to imagine which etiquette text your mother has looked at. While it is true that the most traditional wedding invitations are issued "from" the bride's parents (who were the traditional wedding hosts), even reaching quite far back once can find plenty of variations on wedding invitation language to accommodate alternative family structures. Certainly any etiquette text you see today, whether traditional or not, allows for parents to have had subsequent marriages and alternative formats

So, the best approach, the most gracious and happy thing to do is to include everyone. You can show this column to your mother if you like. At the bottom of this gesture is something that is much more fundamental to etiquette than invitation format. You want to make people comfortable and why would you deliberately decide to do something that would exclude your stepfather and stepmother who have been such a part of your life?

Your friends and relatives would, frankly, be more likely to notice this exclusion and wonder if something was weird or wrong than if you included everyone.

Talk to your mother about this. Try to avoid questions of "right" or "wrong" and talk about what would be most fair and happy for you and all of your parent figures. Is there some other reason your mother has for wanting to exclude them? Surely she can't imagine that the wedding guests won't know the way of things.

Be firm, though. You don't want to make these exclusions. All that would do is create heartache and bitterness for you and your family, which seems like a very happy one at the moment.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:49 AM    <link>

NAME REPEATS

Hi Elise!

My situation is a fairly common one these days as my parents are divorced, both are remarried, and all 4 of my parents are contributing to the cost. The snag comes along when you consider that my Mom kept my Dad's last name when she remarried my Step-Dad and both my Dad and Step-Dad have the same first names. None of my parents have a lot of money and they are contributing way above and beyond what I would expect so I would like to avoid the "together with their families" line and would really like to see all of their names on my invitations. Here are the generic examples as to my parents names:

Mom & Step-Dad: Esther Smith & Ronald Jones
Dad & Step-Mom: Ronald Smith & Jan Smith

Could you please instruct me as to the correct way I should handle the wording of their names on the invites. Your help will be very much appreciated!!

- Name Tangle

Dear NT,

Your situation feels terribly confusing, but actually you can rely on standard formats to make sense of your many parents. The key is to forget about the name duplication. As long as everyone's names are placed correctly this should be pretty clear how the partnerships work.

If a couple named on the same line (with an "and" between them) they are considered married, so that will erase any possible confusion about which man is your mother's spouse.

You could have their names appear as:

Mrs. Esther Smith and Mr. Ronald Jones

Your father and step mother can have their names appear this way:

Mr. and Mrs. Ronald and Jan Smith

Then the larger format for your invitation can be:

Mrs. Esther Smith and Mr. Ronald Jones
and
Mr. and Mrs. Ronald and Jan Smith
Request the honor of your presence... etc.

That should keep things all clear.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:59 AM    <link>

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