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Friday, January 29, 2010

UNSCENTED

Hi there!

Here's my problem: I am allergic to fragrance. Not sensitive, not faking it, but hives-rashes-watering eyes-burning lips kind of allergic. I can imagine nothing worse than having great Aunt Mabel, invited to my wedding at my parents' insistence and to whom I have not spoken in fifteen years, show up wearing perfume and hand lotion, which will get on me when we hug and kiss and shake hands in the receiving line. My photographs will look lovely with my watery eyes and rashy skin. Short of donning a bubble for my big day, what's the best way to approach this? Do I put something on the invitations? Call each guest individually to remind them to avoid lotions and fragrance and body spray and bath gel and scented deodorant that might rub off when we hug? Spend tons of money getting allergy shots in advance of the big day to avoid having to make such a horrible request of my guests?

Your advice is very much appreciated!


Bubble Girl

Dear Bubble Girl,

As far as I know there is no Hazmat bridal couture out there, and even if there were, I suspect it wouldn't be too easy to dance in.

You will probably have to take a twofold approach to the problem. The first order of business will be for you to protect yourself. Even if you manage to alert everyone to your problem, if someone forgets or doesn’t get the message, you don't want to have to suffer for it. Get advice from your doctors. There may be things you can do, prophylactically, to temporarily reduce your sensitivity (I am not sure what these recommendations would be but perhaps you could try a smaller scale round of the allergy shots you mention). You could also explore other defensive routes such as wearing gloves, carrying moist (unscented) wipes with you so you can quickly clean off your skin should you come into contact with fragrances, and graciously resisting unsafe kisses.

You may also want to caution people. Here is where your parents come in handy since their penance for insisting that Aunt Mabel be invited will be their job of calling her up to warn her about your inability to handle fragrance. Adding a note in the invitations may seem like a practical solution, but it is unlikely to help you at all. Since invitations go out four to six weeks in advance and are rarely committed to memory, by the time your guests get dressed to attend your wedding, they will have forgotten your request and have done what they usually do before a big party: groom themselves thoroughly. The more you can tell your friends and family directly about your condition and ask that they not use any scents, the more likely they are to remember and the better off you'll be.

Having said that, you will also have to take care of yourself because even with all the warnings in the world, it will be impossible to get everyone to remember to avoid all soaps and handcreams, moisturizers and bath gels, deodorants and perfumes, scented shampoos and conditioners. You can be gracious and warm and still proceed with caution when it comes to embracing your guests.

Be safe and have a wonderful wedding.

Congratulations,
Elise

posted by Elise at 11:36 AM    <link>

NEVER TOO LATE

Dear Elise,

My husband and I were married in a beautiful ceremony on August 29th in my hometown in the US. We returned to our residence in Japan after a short honeymoon, intending to write our thank you notes after the jet lag had passed and we'd caught up with our jobs. Sadly, a week after we were in Japan, my father passed away unexpectedly. It turned my whole world upside down.


We had to fly back to the US, stayed there for two weeks, and then came back to Japan where I threw myself wholeheartedly into my work. I couldn't think of the wedding without thinking of my dad, and I didn't know how to write cheerful "thank you" notes when I felt so distressed.

Now, I can look back on the wedding with joy, and remember my father with happiness as well. But I still need to write these notes. I know that it is better late than never, but I am a bit ashamed at how long I've waited, and I know that some people probably feel that I should have sent them by now, even with my father passing.

Is there a way I can include my reason for the notes lateness without making it sound like an excuse or a plea for sympathy? I can't think of a good way to word this.

Thank you!

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

My condolences. I'm very sorry you've had to deal with such a loss. It is a very hard blow.

As for the thank you notes, you should write and send them. You may mention your father's death if you feel that you need to explain yourself but it really is not necessary. There is nothing wrong with mentioning the reason for the delay but omitting it is fine as well. (Anyone who would be critical of you for holding out a tremendous loss in the family as an excuse is not worth your worrying about anyway. Those people can just continue gnawing on lemons or whatever they do for fun and leave you alone.)

You don't have to work around anything. Just do what feels comfortable when you sit down to write and don't worry about being consistent with each note. For some you may choose to be more reticent than others, and that's fine as well.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss but many congratulations on your wedding,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:04 AM    <link>

CAN'T FOOT THAT BILL

Dear Elise,

We've been invited to a "no host" birthday dinner at an average-priced restaurant in honor of my husband's grandmother. It is just family and we expect that the bill will simply be split evenly amongst all guests.

We would be quite willing to go with the flow except that one family member has expensive taste in wine, which he consumes a fair amount of, and orders throughout the night without much concern for cost.

My husband doesn't drink alcohol, and I wouldn't have more than one or two glasses. How do we go about letting everyone know that we'd like to only pay for what we consume (or at least just be excluded from the wine bill)? We're smart enough to know not to ruin the evening by bringing it up when the check arrives, but we're thinking of sending the organizer a note (since this dinner was just planned yesterday) that we're watching our expenditures and would like to get a rough estimate of what the evening might cost per person so we can prepare ourselves.

My husband and I aren't the only grandchildren of the group who will be attending, but we certainly are the youngest (and poorest!), so we'd prefer not to pay for things we will not consume. Furthermore, my husband's family will believe his abstaining from alcohol is a random occurrence, when in actuality it is a recent lifestyle choice, and he feels perturbed that he might have to pay a small fortune for something he is consciously avoiding.

Do we just need to shut our mouths and deal with this unfair tradition? Is it rude to be straightforward and tell them we can't afford their booze? It's unfair to his grandmother if we don't attend, and she would feel horrible to know we didn't attend just because of the cost!

Help!

- Will pay for food (but not booze!)

Dear Pay for Food,

These pay-your-way events are always difficult to handle for reasons exactly like the one you've outlined. People who tend to be lavish in their ordering style are generally not malicious. They just get caught up in the festivities and don't realize that they're putting financial pressures on at least some of their companions.

This event may be "no-host" (and this is an interesting term for it since it implies that no one will be really taking responsibility for the way chips fall) but surely someone is organizing it. Your husband (since it is his family you're dealing with) can speak to the relative who is putting this party together and explain – without naming names – that you are worried about being able to afford this meal. He can explain, generally, what your budget will permit (being sure to take a gratuity into account for the waitstaff). You will surely have to pay more than just the total of your meals combined, but you can control somewhat the surprise of a giant bill by making it clear that you have limits.

It is a little better to have a conversation about this, rather than send notes back and forth. A simple informal conversation could go much further than notes or emails where tone can be misunderstood. You want to go, but are worried, though, and no one can know you have any qualms if you don't voice them, and bringing up these issues early will help find a solution. Your husband can even mention that he won't be drinking. He shouldn't point this out in a manner that is critical of those who do. The point is to demonstrate ways in which he can save on his, and by extension, the table's expenses.

You will surely have to compromise, so prepare yourselves to be flexible and understand that you'll be paying for more than the food you eat. Think of it as a party fee if that helps, but speaking up ahead of time in a reasonable, non-aggressive way, should help you when it comes time to pay.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:03 AM    <link>

THANKS BUT NO THANKS

Dear Elise:

For our wedding we have rented a huge home in the mountains that can sleep our friends and that is close enough to a hotel at which our families will be comfortable. We'll be entertaining out of that house throughout the weekend and will have a simple ceremony/celebration (BBQ with campfire). It will be a weekend of enjoying home-cooked meals and time spent with those we care about.

Our families would prefer that we have a very traditional wedding with a big white dress, a live band, color-coded napkins, etc. I should mention that we started to plan a more traditional wedding a few years ago and ended up calling it off after things got really contentious among us and our families. It just didn't seem worth all the conflict when it wasn't something we really wanted.

We've only just announced our intent to plan a wedding that is right for us. Our families are insisting that since we're having a wedding that is so "out there", we should at least have [fill in the blank...i.e, a rehearsal dinner/bridal party/rabbi/professional photographer, etc.]. In some instances, the demands are accompanied by an offer to pay for whatever is being demanded. We have decided that it's best to stick to our plan and to say "thank you, but no" to offers from family to pay for things.

Can you suggest ways to tactfully, but forcefully communicate that our choices/decisions are not up for discussion/debate? I would also love advice on how to graciously decline the financial offers--accepting financial help just made things too contentious during the first planning attempt.

Thank you!!

Independent

Dear Independent,

Congratulations! You're in an excellent spot with a good perspective on what you want and what your family wants. The fact that these things don't necessarily have much to do with each other is relevant but happily not that important in your situation.

You've managed to identify and sort out the problem with relying financially on your relatives when it comes to funding your wedding: accepting cash makes it very hard to reject your donors' wishes for your wedding.

The best way to stand your ground is to be happy and graceful about your wedding. If someone offers to pay for a wedding dress you don't want, smile and say you've found something that you really adore and thank your relative for being so generous. If someone tries to goad you into admitting that you would rather something other than your rustic wedding with campfire, say that you really are happy and couldn't want anything different at all. You can acknowledge that your choices may be unconventional or unfamiliar, but be very clear that this is what you want and what makes you happy and what you think will start off married life on the perfect note for you.

You will not get people to agree with you, so don't hope to do that. At the heart of this is that you need to create the impression (and since you genuinely feel this way it shouldn't be hard) that you are having the exact wedding you want, that you aren't compromising because of budget restrictions or anything else. The happier you seem, the less comfortable your relatives will become with trying to tweak things to suit their ends. It won't be easy but this is the best approach you can take that keeps the peace.

Congratulations, redux

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:28 AM    <link>

DOUBLE DUTY HOLIDAY CARD

Hi Elise-

We were engaged right before Thanksgiving. We've been able to tell most friends and family face to face but never sent out formal announcements. I'm wondering if it's completely inappropriate to use our holiday cards to announce it. We like to send out Happy New Year cards, as opposed to Christmas cards, so we were thinking of putting our names then underneath in smaller print "engaged November 26th 2009". Is that a no no?

- Excited

Dear Excited,

Many many congratulations are in order. 2010 promises to be a very full year for you

Generally speaking, news of an engagement is best spread through word of mouth and telling your friends and family your news directly (not necessarily in person, but in a conversation or personal, non-mass email). Even the tradition of announcing engagements in newspapers has fallen by the wayside a bit. This is the traditional approach.

Having said that, people make large announcements this way all the time in more public venues than a holiday card (social networking sites, for instance). The only real risk you run is that some people may think your announcement is a veiled attempt to solicit presents (which it isn't) or they may expect a wedding invitation following your announcement (this is also unreasonable), so follow your instincts and your preferences. If you tend to be private and non-confrontational, this might not be the choice for you but if you don't mind, then go right ahead. You know the risks.

Congratulations again,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:18 PM    <link>

VERY DIFFICULT SISTER

Dear Elise

My fiance and I are due to be married in about a year. Our wedding will be a pretty small, and this has raised some very deep-seated worries in me about inviting my eldest sister. I love my family, but my sister is known for having very violent and emotional outbursts. This is a very complicated issue, since in recent years we have been questioning her mental health. That being said I still remember what it was like to be with my sister through the better times.

In my heart I would really want her to be there, but her recent violent and harassing behavior towards my parents and refusal to seek help has left me wondering what to do. I know also that she is incredibly unhappy, and feeling very alone, but continues to berate and harass my parents as well. I am trying to find a way to have her come to our wedding. Would it be right not to invite her for the sake of everyone including my parents so that they can have one restful day where they do not have to worry about her outbursts, or should I give the ultimatum of asking her to see a doctor if she is to take part in my wedding? The latter seems so cold, but I really don't know what to do.

Signed

- Torn and Unsure


Dear T&U,

This is a terrible position to be in, but you do have quite a number of months in which you can figure out a solid plan of action. The first thing you will need to do at this moment is set aside thoughts of your wedding as a day that is meant to be perfect and inviolable. That sort of thinking will only lead you down the path of harsh ultimatums, and there's no need to start tossing those around yet.

Have you talked to your parents about how they feel your sister is doing? Has anyone suggested that, apart from your wedding, she get some therapy to help ease her feelings of loneliness? You say you've been questioning her mental health, but have any of you talked to her about taking some positive action? It can be very hard for people to be motivated to seek help, but if you or your parents approach your sister carefully, with her happiness in mind, it may be possible to help guide her to someone who can help her.

When it comes to actually excluding your sister from your wedding, think hard about this choice. This would mean your wedding would always retain a memory of this glaring exclusion. Do you want that? You have the time now to try to revise the situation.

When you say your sister is "violent" do you mean she is physically abusive or unpredictably loud and obnoxious? Clearly someone who is physically abusive needs to be dealt with differently, and probably should be excluded from a situation where she is likely to hurt people. You may benefit yourself from talking to a professional about your needs and her troubles. Perhaps going to a therapist as a family could open up a dialogue that might lead her to get help as an individual. Proceed gently, and don't make threats. You want her to want help and if she feels it is an attractive prospect, she will be more likely to reach out for assistance.

This is of course uncomfortable and no one wants to be afraid of a sibling, but for the sake of your family and your future relationship with her, consider taking steps to help her. You may discover that she can pull herself together for the wedding after all.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:02 AM    <link>

NO NEED TO BE DEFENSIVE

Dear Elise,

We are about a year out from our wedding and are doing the planning.

One thing we are looking into is writing the script for the ceremony. We have a lot in common as people, but we don't have similar cultural and religious backgrounds, so we feel that it makes sense to pick and choose from the available traditions. We are considering having some elements of Jewish weddings, Scottish weddings, and even some other cultures' wedding ideas.

Part of the reason I say script, is that we plan to hand our officiant an actual script. We are not having a religious wedding and are avoiding some traditional elements, on the other hand, we want to focus on certain ideas that would not normally be the center of a typical wedding ceremony. We thing that writing out what our officiant should say will help us, but sometimes we worry that we are a little over controlling by making a script and allowing for no deviation. Other times we worry that without a script that the officiant will hijack our wedding with his or her beliefs.

I expect my family to question why we are having a tea ceremony in the wedding, while I won't be wearing a kittel. I feel like we need to have some explanation of some of the more unusual stuff, but I also don't want to be questioned. I want to say: "It's our day and this is what we are choosing," but we are concerned it is rude to be that abrupt.

We are also trying to figure out how to keep people from doing other traditions. For example, we do not like the idea of our guests clinking glasses until we kiss. At least in part we want to discourage people from doing We had the idea that maybe we need to put it in the program or even be really proactive and put some words in the invite.

How much explaining must we do as to what we want to do and what we don't want done? When should the explanation take place? What is the polite way to get guests on board with us on these ideas?

Thank you,

Seeking Favorable Reception

Dear Seeking,

Clearly there's a lot going on for you in this ceremony. Do you have an officiant yet? Finding one who will work with you is a good first step to take. Meet with people and explain your needs and interests. You can write a script on your own, or you can collaborate with an officiant you find who can accommodate your tastes and sensibilities. In general, professionals want to please but they don't always appreciate being micro-managed so it would do well for you to approach potential officiants with a list of your interests and the elements you want in a ceremony and see what sort of responses you get. Remember, the more rigid and unyielding you are, the greater the chance that some little variation or slip-up will upset and derail you. Try to find someone you like and give him (or her) a chance to do a good job for you.

As for how to talk to people about your ceremony choices, keep in mind that you don't have to explain everything ahead of time but if you do, and if you're questioned, you can say that this was the ceremony that makes you happy. If you do something unusual and talk about it in advance, you can expect to get some questions, but people won't always be questioning your judgment. They may just be interested and even if they aren't, acting as if you're excited (which you are) and happy (which you are) will go a long way towards diminishing any weirdness.

Finally, you can only exert so much control over people. If you don't want people clinking glasses, tell a few key people who will be at various tables that you'd really prefer to forego that tradition and then if it happens, acknowledge it once and then say you'd rather just have toasts without the clinking. Don't write it into a program. You'll just appear bossy and people will read it, roll their eyes and forget about your directive anyway.

Don't go into your wedding with the idea that you have to get everyone "on board" and doing exactly what you want. People are there to celebrate your wedding and if they don't care for your ceremony, it doesn't matter and if they clink their glasses, you can get around it. Enjoy yourselves and try not to fret the tiny details. That will make you crazy and that's the last thing you need before a wedding.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:43 AM    <link>

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