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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Friday, May 09, 2008

MUCH ADO OVER TWO GUESTS (REHEARSAL QUIBBLE)

Dear Elise,

My only son (my only child) is getting married very soon. I have been a single mother since he was 2, he is now 25. Since the wedding is on a Sunday and the rehearsal is on a Friday, that gave us an entire day to do something novel, and have a rehearsal party on the lake all day Saturday. So, since the wedding falls on a major tourist here and hotels and restaurants for rehearsal dinners are at a premium, I rented a lake house for 2 weeks and have invited the groomsmen and their significant others to stay there.

I will also host the Rehearsal Party there. My son's father has bailed on any financial obligation so the entire event has fallen to me to plan and pay for. Since I enjoy cooking, I decided that in order to cut expenses, I would do the cooking for the party. Renting the house, party rentals, food expenses and paying for for all of the other expenses have really added up.

Now my son's fiancee has decided that she wants to keep the rehearsal dinner a private intimate affair with just close family and friends. I have two very close friends who live far away but with whom I'm in frequent contact. They have supported me and my son for over 20 years, and I really want to have them at the party, and they have offered to help me set up and clean up.

Now my son is siding with his bride and says he doesn't want them at the party. He says that they don't want to make intimate speeches in front of people they don't know. The bride is inviting a high school friend who is traveling from out of state, and whom she hasn't seen in 15 years. My invitation list is much smaller than theirs and I don't have a large family circle, my friends are my family I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable about insisting they attend or should I call them and hurt their feelings? Please help. I await your thoughts and respect your suggestions.

Most sincerely,

- Distraught Mother

Dear DM,

You've taken excellent care of your son's wedding, and I think I can say without being too far off base that you've gone above and beyond the call when it comes to planning this party.

Here is the key thing to remember: you are hosting this rehearsal event (on a big scale). You are paying for it, cooking for it, planning it. You are permitted to have some leeway when it comes to the guest list.

Generally, ideally, rehearsal party guest lists are created with a degree of compromise, so that the wishes of the wedding couple and the hosts (if the wedding couple isn't doing it all themselves) are taken into consideration. What you are asking does not sound extravagant. You want to have two close friends attend this party. That is fair enough. (You don't mention how many people are going to be invited to this party but unless the event is something truly "intimate" and the only guests were immediate family and the wedding party your two friends should hardly merit so much comment and protest.)

You don't need to play tit-for-tat or think about the bride's guest list, and how many invitations you have been allotted to the wedding. All you need to keep in mind is that you are the host, these guests are important to you, and you aren't talking about overwhelming the situation with so many people that the tone of the event will change.

So tell your son and his future wife that this is not something you want to compromise on. You want these guests at the rehearsal and the wedding. You have extended yourself very far to ensure that your son and his fiancee and their friends will be comfortable, and this is important to you. If they protest about the "intimate" toasts (and, really, if it is a toast being spoken in front of a crowd, it isn't intimate), you can suggest that since the whole crowd is staying together, they can gather everyone before they go to bed recite their intimate words in the wee hours.

Don't be afraid of your son or his fiancee. This is not unreasonable or weird of you, so be firm, not hysterical or upset, not overly emotional, just let them know that this is important and this is the way it will be. You don't want this to be a breaking point or something that undermines your happiness at the wedding but you also need to make your desires known and since you are hosting, you are permitted more flexibility.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:36 AM    <link>

DIVORCED ON THE INVITATION

Dear Elise,

If I were to list my parents' names on an invitation, I would write "Peter and Sally Smith." However, my boyfriend's parents are divorced but remain very close friends. His mother kept her last name. Do I list them as "John and Jane Doe" or "John Doe and Jane Doe"? I don't want it to look weird that our parents' names are listed differently, but I also don't want to give the impression that his are still married when they are not.

Thank you,

- Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I hope it comes as a reassuring surprise that there is a traditional format for people in your divorced in-laws' situation.

Traditionally, one would put each parent's name on a separate line (the woman's name appearing first).

So in your case:

Mr. and Mrs. Peter and Sally Smith
and
Mrs. [or Ms.] Jane Doe
and
Mr. John Doe
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of. . .

Of course, you can always vary the language to you’re your purposes. Here's hoping that does the trick

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:49 AM    <link>

Etiquette: Late Night on the Air

What are you doing tomorrow night?

If you're not out gallivanting, tune in to hear me on WOR radio's Joey Reynolds Show.

Whoever said comportment is useless after dark?

posted by Elise at 1:51 PM    <link>

HANDLING GUESTS

Dear Elise,

We sent out the wedding invites and so far one person has sent back the response card and added a guest to it. How do I handle this and any possible future response cards where guest is added? There is no room at the chapel for extra guests and I don't feel like paying for a meal and drinks for a guest at the reception for someone we don't even know.

Also, I have a feeling people will come to our wedding and not get us a gift because we are only registered at a large home store, and we are only registered for gift cards. So some people may be confused and not get us anything. Which is fine but do we send out a Thank You note to folks who attend the wedding but do not get us a gift? Basically thanking them for coming?

Thank you,

- What to Say?

Dear What to Say,

Guest protocol is always a tricky business but you don't have to be a their mercy.

If you don't want extra guests for any reason (space issues, money issues, etc.) you can absolutely do something about people who add dates to their response cards. You must call the people up and tell them patiently and kindly that you are sorry but you can't accommodate any additional people. This isn't rude or mean. It is a fact of life that events have constraints on them. People may grumble but the final word is that you can't make exceptions because if you do it once, you must give all of your single guests the option of bringing a companion and this isn't possible.

Now, you do not have to send a thank you note to people for attending your wedding. People who have destination weddings often send out thank you cards to everyone because of the travel and expense involved but fundamentally, thank you notes are really most crucial when a present has been given. If the mood strikes you to thank your guests for coming, feel free to write a note, but it is not a problem if you don't.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:23 AM    <link>

KEEP MUM ON COSTS

Dear Elise:

We live in New York and our daughter’s wedding reception will cost $125 per person. About 200 people will be invited. Is it inappropriate to state on the reception invitation the price per plate?

When I go to a wedding, I want to give a gift to, at least, cover the meal. Is this idea in poor taste?

- Mother of the Bride-to-be

Dear MOB-T-B

New York, New York, the city so nice they named it twice is indeed a pricey place but it is also a burg where comportment is important and to that end, I will tell you with absolute certainty that you should not at any time on any part of your daughter's wedding reception invitation tell people how much you are spending on the event.

The whole notion of "paying for plates" is, in itself, an unpleasant one. Would you honestly not invite someone if you felt he or she couldn't afford your price of admission? Certainly that approach undermines the classical reception invitation language, which only requests that the hosts enjoy the pleasure of their guests' company.

Really, guests should figure out how much to spend on a wedding gift based on their own abilities and interests. They shouldn't have to feel conflicted or guilty or uncomfortable about their choices. It doesn't even really make sense to think in these terms since one should not go into planning any sort of celebratory event with an eye towards recovering one's expenses in cash and gifts.

Set aside the idea of reimbursement and concentrate on having a wonderful celebration. If it feels that you are spending too much and you find yourself more and more craving compensation from your guests, perhaps you could consider retrenching and scaling back your plans. It would be much better for you to save money than risk feeling irritated with your guests for not, in effect, paying for their meals.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:17 AM    <link>

HOW TO ANNOUNCE?
Double Header

Dear Elise,

understand that wedding announcements should be sent right after the wedding has taken place. But how late is too late? I have a few people I now wish I had sent an announcement to. If I was married two weeks ago, am I too late?

Thank you.

- Hitched

Dear Elise,

After originally planning a fairly elaborate wedding, my fiance and I became completely overwhelmed and have now decided to have a tiny wedding, which is more our style anyway. Is it tacky to send out wedding announcements afterwards to our friends and relatives?

I don't want it to seem like a gift grab, I just want to have some vaguely official announcement that we're now hitched. And if doing so is not tacky, what kind of wording should we use (we'd prefer something not too formal).

Thanks,

- Thank God for Small Weddings

Dear Hitched and TGFSM,

Wedding announcements, while not a required nuptial stationery element, can be extremely helpful, depending on your circumstances.

If you're having a very small wedding or get married with little planning or fanfare, an announcement can be an excellent way to get the word out. You could even combine it with the "at home card" tradition, which lets people know your address (if it is changing) and last names (whether they are changing or not). Sending announcements won't look like a demand for presents, so you can rest easy on that front.

Wedding announcements should always be sent after the wedding. Announcing that something has happened before the fact is practically begging the Irony Gods to pay you a visit (which nobody wants) and, as a practical matter, wedding announcement language is similar enough to wedding invitation language that there is room for confusion (and no one wants to think he's a guest if he isn't one). They are usually sent as close to the wedding as possible but there is plenty of flexibility if the wedding couple is, say, on a honeymoon and can't post the announcement until they return. One doesn't have years, but a few weeks is within the realm of reason.

Traditional wedding announcements can be sent from the wedding hosts or the wedding couple and let people know when and where the wedding took place.

Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Finch
have the honor of
announcing the marriage of their daughter
Virginia Kaye
to
Mr. Field Everett Greens
Saturday, the ninth of February
Two thousand and eight
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Or

Virginia Kaye Finch
and
Field Everett Greens
announce their marriage
Saturday, the ninth of February
Two thousand and eight
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Of course, you may alter the language as you choose, but that's the meat of it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:58 AM    <link>

TRICKY TITLE

Dear Elise,

When a Senator and is wife are hosting the wedding for their daughter, what is the correct wording on the top invitation line? Is it: "Senator and Mrs. John Doe request the honour of your presence."?

Thank you,

- Querying

Dear Querying,

Assuming the senator's wife does not have a title herself or use her own last name, the most formal, "offical" terms of address would be:

The Honorable John Doe and Mrs. Doe

If she uses her last name, and has no other professional title (such as Dr.) the format would look like:

The Honorable John Doe and Ms. Jane Roe

Having said that, it could be argued that because the wedding is happening in the senator's private life, he may prefer to use the "Senator and Mrs. John Doe" format that you suggested.

You would also use the title "Senator" on place cards.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:51 AM    <link>

STUBBORN FATHER, HARD REQUEST

Hi Elise,

We are having a small-ish wedding (hopefully 80) people. The fiance and I are paying for the whole thing ourselves, and have kept the guest list to the bare minimum. Now the issue: my parents are divorced (8 years now, but wounds still show up during these types of things) and my dad who is recently remarried, is insisting that his "best friends" get invited to my wedding. The problem with these friends is that they make my mom sick to be around. I am neutral to them, but saddened that they have hurt my mom.

I told my father a gentle but firm "no" after his 6th phone call to urge me to consider inviting them, but after hearing no, he called back to push even harder. What makes it even messier is that my Dad is a minister, and is the officiant of our ceremony. If I insist that his friends aren't invited, he'll be angry throughout the lead up to the wedding and that'll cause me some incredible grief, but I also don't want to put my Mom in a position of additional discomfort. She's had far more than her share with many of the people who will be present that day.

My father did offer to pay for his friends, (would rather his friends stayed home and that money was a contribution to our wedding) but the real issue is a two-parter: I resent the additional upset to my mom, and I resent being pushed to invite extra people to my tiny wedding. I want to have a good relationship with my Father, and he has been very wonderful & helpfully involved in the planning (I talk to him almost every day - like a bridemaid, poor guy).

But I feel stuck in the middle. No matter what decision I make, I upset a parent. I have already explained to my father calmly, in person, the two parts of the issue, but continues to push for what he wants. Thoughts?

Thanks,

- The Middle Child

Dear Middle Child,

This isn't really a question of etiquette, per se. It is neither wrong nor right for you to invite your father's friends and the crux of the problem is out of your hands: both of your parents need to act like adults. It is not at all uncommon for people to find themselves attending weddings with former friends and former spouses. As a general matter, and this is nothing you can control but it bears mentioning, everyone should learn how to grin and bear ex-encounters and look at things in perspective. It is unlikely that seeing a former spouse or lover will do extensive damage. One needn't speak to the former spouse, and creating an attitude of powerful remoteness with respect to the ex can make one feel quite good about oneself. It is a little like enduring some intense dental work, unpleasant but an improvement once it's over.

But this doesn't really address your problem. How does your mother feel about your father's request? Would she be gracious and shrug it off even thought these people are unpleasant? If she says she can handle their presence, then you are in good shape. And what does your father want you to do with these people, anyway? Can you seat them anywhere you like at the reception, read: far away from your mother? If you invite them, you can still take steps to protect her feelings and show her that you're thinking of her and want her to be happy in spite of some necessary evils.

Any way around it you will have to compromise and disappoint someone. Do you want to draw the line in the sand with your father and tell him that his friends can't come, that it isn't a question of money so much as it is a question of respect for your mother and that you don't want to hear about it any more? (And by the way, I suspect his trying to make a money issue out of this is an attempt to make you feel petty and distract you from the real reasons you want to exclude his pals.) You can do that. You could also ask why it is so important for him to have his friends at the wedding, knowing that it puts you in such an impossible position.

Figure out which of your parents can be the most grown up about the situation and make your choice accordingly. Then, be sure to let your cooperative parent know how much you appreciate the compromise and that you understand this is complicated and hard. In the end, this is all you can do when faced with an intractable situation. You will have to ask for help and with any luck, one of your parents will be the bigger person for your sake.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:23 AM    <link>

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