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Fine Young Cannibals
About nine years ago, a good friend of mine was teaching nursery school, and I relished her tales of the classroom because they were riddled with amusing bad behavior and linguistic misunderstanding. One particularly memorable case she had, which was actually not very funny, was about an unrepentant biter. This kid was four-years-old and would not stop biting his classmates. He had a primary victim but would choose others if his favorite was unavailable. I asked my friend why he singled this little girl out, and her reply was calm:
"I can completely see why he picked her. She still looks a bit like a baby, you know, round and pink and... juicy."
The poor thing did sound succulent. The school insisted that the biter get therapy, because such behavior, at such an advanced age, is antisocial, dangerous, and a possible sign of other problems. I don't know what became of this little boy, who is now probably in middle school. In light of having my own child, of course, the story is frightening. I do not want my boy to become a biter or to be bitten, for that matter.
I'm not alone. Recently Neal Pollack wrote a strange article for Salon called When Toddlers Get Fired, and it is full of the confusion and guilt and helplessness that I have always found so terrifying that I almost decided not to have a child.
This writer has a biter. The kid is just two-years-old and has been kicked out of school for sinking his teeth into his classmates. Needless to say, the article has made serious rounds in the blogosphere and has been heavily criticized in the Letters to the Editor section of Salon. I won't float the self-righteous rants, the angry dismissals of Pollack's and his wife's abilities as parents, the litany of solutions and arguments spawned by the letters. Let me just say that everything about this biting business intimidates me.
Pollack may be writing for effect, he may be trying to inject some lame humor into his article, he may simply be groping in the dark, grabbing at details that help him explain his son's really bad behavior (the biting is disastrous and he, too, singled out a little girl as his prime victim, which must have freaked her parents out). Whatever the case, Mr. Pollack was attacked quite savagely. Some said he didn't deserve to be a parent, was a terrible father, should stop being selfish and get a "real" job (because as a freelance writer he can't make enough money to pay for a nanny). Mr. Pollack clearly asked for it by writing this article, and I don't agree with much of what he says or the way he says it, but I am shocked by the shame heaped upon him.
So I read this article and thought about the way I become frightened about parenting things. Of course I worry that Felix could become a biter (there is no real evidence of this tendency right now since, as I've said before, he has no teeth and precious little motor control), but behind that concern is something more tender. Whether you get them coming or going, these issues are inevitable, and I worry not only about how I will deal with problems like this one, but also with the shame associated with them.
Everything that every child does has so much language attached to it, and this language seems to imply that the parent can be entirely responsible for all of the kid's behavior- the good and the horrendous. I watch Felix lying around, learning how to be a person, and I love him, and hope desperately I can do well by him. But what if he does bite, or do something comparably awful? How can I be his champion while adequately correcting him? How can I guide him to be a good citizen of the world while I myself cringe when I think about the ocean of wagging fingers out there, ready to scold me and my son when we stumble.
It would be nice if Mr. Pollack is having a better summer than he predicts with his little biter, and even better if he gets help so that he can have a kid who is less of a vampire. For me, his story and the responses to it show me a glimpse of my future with Felix- not that I predict he will be wicked. We are a team and for a long time his troubles will be mine. I just hope I have the grace to respond to criticism and the confidence to know when he and I are actually doing just fine and can tell the rest of the world where to go. Politely, of course.
posted by Elise at 9:17 AM
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