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Monday, June 27, 2005

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain

To become a mother is to enter the Land of the Mandate. Every two seconds you get hit with a new imperative, no matter that they all contradict each other. While I was dandling Felix poolside at a birthday party, a mother told me I absolutely had to get him to swimming lessons before it was too late. Apparently, if he doesn't learn some elements of swimming soon, he'll lose some important instincts and then he'll have to wait to learn until he's two, at least. Days later I was told by a friend that the only thing her pediatrician cautioned her not to do under any circumstance was put her babies in a pool.

You won't catch me quibbling with swimming (I do live on an island, after all), but in spite of the sun, the drooling baby in my arms, and the presence of fabulous barbecue, I found myself thinking about Pride and Prejudice.

In chapter 8, Elizabeth Bennet is stuck in her neighbor's living room, waiting for her sister to get over some sort of flu and suffers through an annoying discussion with Miss. Bingley and Mr. Darcy about what a woman must do in order to be considered accomplished. By the end of it, Elizabeth explodes: "I never saw such a woman. I never saw such capacity, and taste, and application, and elegance, as you describe united."*

People have lots of plans for their children and I suspect they are never more firmly articulated than when the little beasts are too young to talk. Mandarin lessons, swimming, golf, music theory, gymnastics, soccer, ballet, chess, karate, horseback riding, yoga, piano, racquet sports, skiing... these are all things that various parent friends and acquaintences of mine would have their children learn. I'm sure there are a lot of perfectly sensible skills I've left out. One friend said that for many, this list of "required elements"would be incomplete without a Latin mandate (this is brilliant since it would give kids a leg up in Scrabble, crossword puzzles, and maybe the SAT's).

I have never thought in these terms, though I did take the dog to two rounds of obedience class (and he could use a third, frankly). And I know all about best laid plans and what the road to Hell is littered with, but while we're making lists, I thought I'd toss out a few things that I would love for Felix to learn.

In order to avoid his mother's solipsism, he should have some recreational skills up his sleeve: pool (the sport, not of the swimming variety), ping-pong, and poker or bridge.

He should be able to use rudimentary kitchen appliances (can opener, not necessarily Cuisinart).

He should learn how to write and use eating utensils (forks and chopsticks) with both hands.

He should learn how to nap (not a problem now).

He should learn how to play with dogs.

He would do well for himself if he learned some basic plumbing.

Now maybe this is too much for him to learn before he's two (and his little fingers aren't quite coordinated enough yet to change a washer in the sink), but perhaps he could be something beyond accomplished, that is to say, competent.

I can't imagine I've missed something, but if I have, do tell.

* If you want to see what irked Lizzy, here's the discussion from Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 8:

"'A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half-deserved.'
'All this she must possess,' added Darcy, 'and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.'
'I am no longer surprised at your knowing ONLY six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing ANY.'"

posted by Elise at 7:51 PM