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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
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A Quiz
Only in my wildest dreams did I think that having a baby might somehow turn me into a glittering conversationalist in the style of Myrna Loy's Nora Charles, whose son only made her more charming in the Thin Man series.
This was a fantasy, of course, life isn't always given to brilliant dialogue and babies do tend to get one mired in the quotidian and even the things that seem most novel, for a long time, are rather banal. Don't misunderstand me. For the most part, it is much preferable to have nothing unusual to report about one's child.
Still, I had a series of encounters recently that made me feel as if I were filling out a tax form:
1. What is the baby's name?
2. How old is the baby?
3. That baby is big/small isn't s/he?
4. How much did s/he weigh when born?
If your answer to question 3 was < 8 pounds 8 ounces, skip to question 6.
5. Did you have a c-section?
If your answer to question 5 was "Yes" skip to question 7.
6. Why didn't you have a c-section? That kid is huge.
7. Are you breastfeeding?
If your answer is "Yes" skip to question 9.
8. Why aren't you breastfeeding, doesn't everyone?
9. How long are you going to do that?
NOTE: If the person posing the question is your husband's former teacher, the question may sound like this: How long are you going to continue being a cow?
10. When will s/he be eating "real" food?
11. Does s/he sleep through the night?
If your answer is "yes" skip to question 15.
12. Why don't you just let him/her cry?
If you said you don't want to, go to the next question and skip questions 14 and 15. If you said you do let him/her cry it out, go to question 14. If you said you never thought of that, skip to question 15.
13. Well don't you ever want to sleep again?
14. What kind of barbarian are you?
15. What are you, stupid?
16. Can s/he roll over yet?
At this point I try to stop this give-and-take before something terrible happens.
Baby conversation always starts with good intentions from all parties. It only spins out of control when the person asking the questions starts getting bored or feels like pressing an agenda or the parent gets bored or feels defensive. Sometimes this defensiveness comes out of nowhere- people are just curious, intrigued and being polite, and it isn't their fault that so many questions about the baby, which is such a public thing, intrude upon matters that are very private (one's breasts and bikini line, for instance).
Before Felix, I rarely had the same conversation twice, and now I often feel stuck. It's nobody's fault but my own, of course, but I admit when faced with the Inevitable Quiz, I always wonder what Nora Charles would say, but she had Dashiell Hammett putting words in her mouth, which puts her at quite an advantage.
posted by Elise at 7:45 PM
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