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Is It Possible?
I write these words with some surprise, but I find today that I concur with something Ayelet Waldman wrote for Salon. Usually I find she is either manufacturing an issue or generating a lot hyperbole so as to create a mountain out of a rather small matter.
Today, Waldman writes about how parenting leaves people prone to scolding... other parents. She mentions people who attachment parent as being particularly zealous about making other people aware that letting children cry is tantamount to tickling them with a cattle prod, or that certain kinds of breast feeding enthusiasts chide and hector strangers they suspect might not be breast feeding (there is a term for these folks, floated in the Northeast, at least: "uberboober"). Of course the list of things parents can feel superior about is endless: cloth diapers, organic food, television, child care, cosleeping, progressive education, travel, antibacterials, irony, music, clothes, pets...
In general, these folks haven't come my way (with the exception of some people objecting to the way I went about having Felix) though I know my time will come. My formula to ward off unwanted comment is to volunteer little and express mild interest when given suggestions, and I always keep a new topic of conversation at the ready. Having said that, I know there is a boiling point easily reached in me. A woman at a rest stop near Woodstock, New York once tried to tell me that I was awful for having a purebred dog, and I'm afraid she got quite a lecture that began with my dog not being any of her business and ended with a list of ways in which I've donated time and money to animal rescue. I didn't need to explain anything, of course, but here's hoping she'll keep her mouth shut at future rest stops, if only out of fear of getting a lecture.
I've always thought that folks who are overly aggressive about birth- and I got it coming and going from people who thought that I was inferior for not having a natural delivery and from others who thought I was endangering my life and Felix's by not having a scheduled induction- feel this way because labor and delivery is something of a near-death experience.
Once the kid is in the world, though, all bets should be off. Of course each step feels like a doozy, everything is unknown, but I'm not convinced anyone really knows better than I do what is best for Felix.
So Waldman makes a point, but I wonder why she doesn't go further with it. Why do people feel the need to comment and scold and interfere with other parents? Would they ordinarily mind their own business? Can I blame this tendency on the Patriot Act that seems to encourage us to be suspicious of any behavior that we don't condone ourselves? If only I could.
I don't have a serene disposition really, and neither does my father, but increasingly, I believe in the "Eleventh Commandment" that he used to invoke when I was a kid (especially during middle school). The Eleventh Commandment is: Mind your own business.
posted by Elise at 10:33 AM
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said...
Hi Elise- Right, but it isn't just pushy parents, its pushy people. I'm amazed at the constant barrage of criticism from strangers about my mothering skills and my son's behavior--particularly since most of these comments have been precipitated by behavior that is, in my opinion, exactly right for a 4 and 3/4 year old boy (jumping from the third step, running around on the empty and wide sidewalk in front of a doorman building (for shame!), laughing, crazy things like that). There are people in this very loud, very crowded city for whom a child cannot possibly be silent or still or small enough, and they seem uniformly unwilling to keep their opinions to themselves. It's interesting that you lectured the pure-bred hater with success; I, too, have tried to meet the critics head on, but I always end up feeling smaller for it. I don't want to defend myself, or my child, against a crank, and I want not to feel obliged to. So this is my resolution: next time it happens (and it will), I'm determined to say only this: I am not interested in your opinion. If I can pull it off, I'll feel like a strong, responsible parent for sure.
Take care!
8/19/2005 11:32 AM
said...
I'm a stepmother and boy do I know what you are talking about. I'm amazed how often strangers seem to think they know better than the parents what someone elses children need/want. So rude some of the comments we get, about how any time we say 'no' it's got to be debated,... maybe the parents know how much sleep the kids need/sugar they can handle at night/movies cause nightmares and so on better than strangers. :)
8/28/2005 6:06 AM
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