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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Excavating Snottyness

On Friday, after another weird competitive conversation about whose kid was doing what and breastfeeding and organic this and that and diapers and massage and sign language, I went into a near coma from excessive demurring. It is exhausting- trying to be friendly and open while keeping everything that seems questionable (morally, aesthetically, you name it) on the QT. Why keep silent, you ask? Why not let it all hang out and to Hell with everyone else? When it comes to these things, I have only two registers, I'm afraid: extreme rage and sweet silence. The latter is so much less alienating that I keep my own counsel.

But I still feel confused at the persistence of issues when parenting. Even with the dog, things settled down so that now I only occasionally get the raw food lecture or the shoes for dogs harangue. But in the wee hours this morning, a dim bulb lit up in my mind when I read the Slate piece The Rock Snob, which is about annoying music connoisseurs. Three sentences leapt out at me from Stephen Metcalf's article:

"Snobbery is as woven into the human fabric as the sexual and aggressive impulses it seeks to refine. It's no accident, then, that Rock Snobbery emerged just as young people started dressing in blue jeans and pretending that social class didn't matter. Adolescents simply found novel ways—ways more acceptable to their newly egalitarian pretenses—to marginally differentiate themselves from one another."

Snobby parenting smacks of the same syndrome. And of course it's interesting to see that one can always recapture the less charming personality traits from one's teenage years. But I see very clearly why it happens. When you become a parent, it happens suddenly (not a surprise, by any means, but literally, one day you don't have the kid and the next day there he is, yelling at you) and unless you're a contrarian, it is comforting to set up some rules and structures, ways to feel that you are doing the smart, right thing. (Having said that, I'm a contrarian, wouldn't you know?)

I understand this snottyness better now that I have a handy metaphor, (one that I can truly understand given how passionate my high school / college / graduate school acquaintances were about their music collections, and edifying the hapless creatures who bumbled their way without particular loyalties). I rejoice in the way that parent snobbery crosses class lines and is so equal opportunity that anyone can feel superior to everyone. But I truly wish we could leave the lunchroom behind, because it really seems too dismal that we should cling so hard to a time of life that is almost universally thought to be forgettable, if it weren't so horrific.

posted by Elise at 10:38 AM

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15 Comments:

Sugarmama said...

I find that this even happens among my friends if we're not being careful in conversation. I feel completely laissez-faire when it comes to others' parenting styles, but I forget that mentioning the fact that I breastfeed, stay at home with a baby, etc can be construed as a challenge to those who don't. I guess we've all got so much emotion tied up in our children that this is hard to avoid. We all feel guilty about something to do with our child-rearing choices, I think, and so defend them that much more fiercely.

11/09/2005 7:22 AM

Chloe said...

Thank you for admitting that snobbery exists. I live in one of the most passive agressive places on the planet. All the parents around me cart their kids from sign class to organic grocier to parent groups because they want to do the right thing. These experiences may be wonderful, but most often they are done to impress others or chalk up another good parent point on our local list of things a "good parent" does. I wish more of my peers could slow down and listen or play with their children rather than probe for an ear in a validating audience. It just makes those of us less fortunate feel inadequate when we cannot afford all of the "good things". It is incredibly hard for me to keep my mouth shut around my peers because my son is leaps & bounds ahead of his peers right now & yet we cannot afford to participate in many of the things our friends do. Yet they always ask what he's eating, doing, etc. as if they need to know that my 4 month old is doing something their 7 month old is not yet able to do. So when I navigate around these questions I get suggestions like "why don't you try attending such & such group or class." So it seems as though my son & I need help because I don't want to embarass others by talking about his advanced abilities? ARGH, so I choose to vent about it on your website, rather than alienate the only peers we have right now by talking candidly about my feelings.

11/09/2005 1:17 PM

Elise said...

Well, as always there is the fine distinction between making conversation and being obnoxious. If one is at all on the defensive, everything seems like one-upmanship. I try very hard to say that I'm just doing something different and see if there's some middleground that can be found. It is very hard not to compare children developmentally, I find, but if there is any consolation it surely comes from the knowledge that everyone is confused and no one feels secure with everything.

11/09/2005 1:58 PM

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