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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
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Three Little Words
I have always been fortunate that something about me encourages people, for the most part, to keep their distance.
Only rarely did people say: "So when are you going to get a boyfriend?" (Though my grandfather, a physician inclined to worry, did try to give my phone number to some of his healthy patients- for their children. Presumably for their children. One hopes.)
Once I secured a partner, only one person dared ask: "Why don't you live together?" (And since she decided to quiz me in an ICU waiting room, my surly response was attributed to strain.)
After that relationship ended, there was hardly a peep about whether I intended to get married, when that might be and whether a kid might be in the picture. It seems my imperious demeanor intimidated all who would dare pry.
But I got pregnant and the floodgates popped:
How far along are you?
What are you having?
And you're still drinking coffee?
Have you picked any names?
When are you due?
Don't you think that [insert anything fun here] is bad for the baby?
You're not going to have an epidural, are you?
You're having the epidural immediately, right?
Why did you let them talk you into an induction?
Why didn't you get a c-section?
Why did you call him that?
Why are you breastfeeding?
How long are you going to breastfeed?
Really, how long are you going to keep that up?
Don't you want another right away?
When are you going to start trying for another?
How many do you think you can have?
You don't want an only child, do you?
How many years apart do you want your kids to be?
Why aren't you answering my questions?
Many of these queries are reasonable and I have only the small trouble with them that one has when people are intrusive. But now that Felix is in the world, growing and changing, everything is more difficult to parry, particularly the ones about breastfeeding and future children.
This has almost nothing to do with being coy. I have no idea what I'm going to do. It feels a little peculiar that people imagine I would, though of course it is not unreasonable. Many people know how they want to play out the stories of their lives.
But in this moment, when angst is running a little high (and the holidays haven't even hit yet), three little words are saving me (well, two words and a contraction).
I don't know.
I say them over and over and probably sound like a fool, but that's really as far as I can go.
I love Felix, and I hope I never do him a disservice.
But
I don't know, and that will have to do for me and for everyone else who comes asking.
posted by Elise at 2:32 PM
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said...
The ability to say "I don't know," is a beautiful thing. The natural human condition is to not know. What more can you give your child, but what is in your heart? Too many people are in love with their own voices & can no longer hear what their hearts are saying.
11/18/2005 6:01 AM
Sugarmama said...
Amazing that people--even complete strangers!--feel free to ask this sort of thing, isn't it? "I don't know" is all the response required or deserved.
11/18/2005 6:53 AM
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said...
Sugarmama said...