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Go Not to the Toddlers for Counsel
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Lessons
"Well, we would never pick up a child from behind."
And a big cavern yawned open in front of me. Things had been going so well up until then. I had discovered that my companion's child was only a little younger than my own. The chatter was lively, and then he dropped this in my lap.
When I gently quizzed my new acquaintance, he told me that a parenting philosophy called RIE, which was developed by a woman named Magda Gerber, author of Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities from the Very Start and Dear Parent: Caring for Your Child With Respect.
My eyes must have given me away because my companion acknowledged that perhaps this method of parenting education isn't popular in New York. His family was only able to find one class offered in Manhattan.
And I gave up, embarrassed by my contrarianism. This philosophy clearly works for this family and makes them happy, so I would never argue.
But there I was the sourpuss, wondering why everything has to be so earnest with babies. Felix loves being swooped up by surprise. The idea that this might somehow damage him or be interpreted by him as my treating him with a lack of respect (RIE suggests this is a possibility) is utterly beyond me.
Pre-kid, I took classes: childbirth, breastfeeding information, newborn care practicum. Post-kid, I also took a class: CPR and child safety (an evening that I still look back on with horror), but I have never been tempted by a parenting philosophy. As frightening as it is to have an infant, having a protocol to live up to would only make feel less capable. I don't like extra rules. I don't want them. There are too many requirements in my day as it is.
My companion tried a different tack: "No one told me that being a parent would be so hard. Weren't you amazed at how hard it is?"
I didn't know what to say. Of course it is difficult. Of course it is. But I don't think my experience is the same as his.
I told him that Felix isn't what is hard for me. In my case, the hard part is the rest of the world. Having a new identity is difficult and destabilizing for me. I can figure out my kid. Questions of work and friendship and worrying about the rest of the world and my child in it are what undo me.
Of course conversations like the one we were having are part of what is most difficult for me. But I kept that to myself. I did like my companion and he didn't need to come away thinking he had been chatting with a true sourpuss crackpot, even if he was.
posted by Elise at 7:55 PM
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Laura said...
I have to wonder...where do people FIND these philosophies? Apparently, your companion searched for a class in this particular philosphy of parenting. How did they even know about it? From a book? And if so, why was the book not enough?
5/03/2006 1:45 PM
Elise said...
That is something I wonder, too. I understand the feeling of desperation. Everyone has the "why didn't this kid come with a manual" desire, but I just don't see how I would get from there to finding any kind of solace in a class with more rules and more directives that I will never remember at 3 in the morning.
5/03/2006 2:45 PM
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Laura said...
Elise said...