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Windows to the Soul
The universe holds so very many mysteries one of which, once you get past the standards (why are we here? chicken or the egg? intelligent life on other planets?), is this: why is it so difficult to do the obvious?
Domesticity does not come naturally to me, and I do fall into homey despair, but even so, this sort of thing astonishes me. (Forgive this interlude that has nothing to do with questions of parenting.)
It started a few years ago when the windows were so filthy (because of city life generally, in the wake of the events of September 11, and in light of the massive construction that went on across the street) that even I was forced to take action.
I found window washer much beloved by a neighbor. Ten calls yielded a few appointments that were never kept.
Jilted, I moved on.
The next window-washing outfit seemed more substantial, professional even. An appointment was made. On the day, a man showed up and looked at my windows and said he couldn't touch them because he doesn't climb ladders. He left. Several weeks and- I am not making this up- four appointments later, another guy came, scolded me for not having had the windows cleaned earlier, somehow managed to make them sparkle and left.
Years pass. I have a child. The kid grew over the course of the year and I decide it would be nice if he could see out the windows, so I call the Professional Outfit, set up an appointment.
I open the door and Mr. No Ladders strolls in. (The dog is happy to see him, my heart has already sunk.)
Mr. N L: "Oh no, no. I've been here before. I can't do these windows. I don't climb ladders."
Me: "OK. I'll just set up another appointment. Thanks for coming."
Mr. N L: "I used to climb ladders. I scrambled up there with the best of them, but that was 20 years ago and now I weigh 250 pounds."
Me: "Don't mind the dog, he's just happy to see someone new."
Mr. N L: "There's plenty of things that I can do that the smaller guys can't. There are some heavy windows out there- the kinds of things that you need a big guy to pull out, big panes. Two guys can't do it because you need the same amount of force exerted on both sides. These little guys can't handle that. I can. Now that I weigh 250."
Me: "Oh, really? I didn't realize you had specialties."
This went on for a while until I started to usher my dog's new friend out when suddenly he whipped around.
Mr. N L: "Wait, what kind of exposure do you have? Do you get any sun? Because the next guy they send won't want to clean windows if he's exposed to too much sun.
My brain shut down at that point.
Later, Mr. No Ladders's boss called to make a new appointment.
Boss: "So you didn't tell me you don't have a ladder. We can't wash windows without a ladder."
Me: "We have a step stool and a six-foot ladder and there's probably a 10-foot ladder in the building. Your GUY WON'T CLIMB ladders."
Boss: "That's not what he told me."
Me: "Well, there's no shortage of ladders here and my windows are still filthy."
I didn't mention that sometimes we get some sun, for fear that this information would put the kibosh on the whole plan and made a new appointment.
Days pass and a sign goes up in the lobby of my building saying that some window washers would be coming to do various apartments and anyone interested should sign up. I jumped.
Two men walked into the apartment, to the delight of my child and my dog.
They looked at my windows (which are mildly unusual- double panels to help insulate and keep the place quiet- they were here when I moved in, so don't think I picked them or anything) and sighed deeply.
Is there some trick of the world that I don't know, or is it just the way of things that everything that is obvious is actually impossible?
These fellows have made it through two windows and I just heard one say: "Oh it's quitting time!"
I have not yet canceled my future appointment. I'm not crazy.
posted by Elise at 8:46 AM
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