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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide.
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Cleanse My Heart. Give me the Ability to Rage Correctly*
I watch my son have a tantrum. At least I think that's what's going on. He has pitched the little cup of his favorite cereal bits on the floor and similarly mistreated some ice water.
It is hard to figure what to do for him when he gets into a rage. It's hard to know what to do with older people who fly off the handle as well, of course. Adults who behave this way, though, are kind of dismissable. Their fury is intimidating, especially if it results in things being flung all over the place, but really, we look at those people who exhibit no self-control as being almost handicapped, even when they're frightening. Once they've raged enough it is impossible to treat them as if they were in the "normal" spectrum.
But a young child's tantrum is something else. It represents some kind of developmental stage, certainly, and has all kinds of meanings ranging from "kid is tired" to "kid is learning to explore boundaries" to- I guess- "kid finds parent incredibly annoying," though maybe it takes a few years for that one to kick in.
The pediatrician we use takes a pretty hard line on tantrums: don't interfere with the kid raging unless he or she is in some kind of danger. If you're out in public, try to contain the tantrum without coddling the child or interfering with the anger until it passes.
This isn't too hard for me, but I do sometimes hold my son when he pitches a fit. Not if he's flailing, of course, then he needs some room. But as he was while abusing the aforementioned cereal and ice water, he seemed about to become hysterical, not just angry, and then I thought it would be so bad to hold him while he hollered. This was perhaps unwise from a hearing standpoint, but didn't it take years and years of ear abuse before Pete Townsend developed chronic tinnitus?
Anger comes very easily to me. I know when I'm angry and I know what makes me angry. But actually exercising my rage is something I almost never do. I'm quite bad at it, really. It makes itself manifest instead in classic avoidance behavior and a reluctance to get out of the bathtub.
I'd like to teach my child how to be good at anger, not so frightened of it in himself. I imagine, well managed, it can be quite the force in getting things done and not so much an obstacle as it is for some of us.
*Sincere apologies to Joe Orton. I suspect I know what he would say.
posted by Elise at 4:53 PM
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said...
Thanks for this.
I came to this site looking for alternatives to a snow-beast wedding dress, and found a very refreshing viewpoint on tantrums.
My son is re-living his terrible two's at age six right now. I feel guilty that I may have taught him to hold anger in as I do, thereby causing his random "rages."
Anyway, you made your point eloquently. thank you again.
6/26/2006 2:57 PM
said...
Hello, great site, I found a lot of useful information here, thanks a lot for Your work!
With the best regards!
Frank
1/30/2007 10:44 AM
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