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recent posts
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New Phrases For Bad Behavior
Nursery School Is Nowhere Near Through With Me
The Watering Hole
Halloween Out of a Can
Mothers Who Hate?
Preschool Preview... The Saga Persists
It Gets Them Around
Howling
Oh, It's a Sign All Right
A Few Flickers of Interest
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Having a Snort?
Well the New York Times sure broke a story this morning. Apparently, all over the place parents are having a drink in the late afternoon while their kids frolic together. Do I care? Do you?
My kid isn't really old enough for late day group play, but I don't really see what the problem is or how it is worth a big article in the Style section. Unless the parents are all too soused to take care of the kids or have long distances to travel and no designated driver, I don't really see how this merits discussion. My kid has been to parties and dinners. He has seen people imbibe various alcoholic beverages and I don't really understand what's wrong with it.
To me, pieces like this one only serve to generate judgment, even as they claim not to.
And speaking of judgment. I had the oddest experience recently that I don't entirely understand, but it vaguely goes along with the whole notion of pass/fail motherhood that seems to be so much in the ether.
I had a brief conversation with a friend on the telephone. Not too much was said, overtly at least, but after I hung up I was quite unsettled.
I suspect my friend thinks I'm a bad mother.
There were no specific accusations or pointed comments, but the conversation left me feeling withered, as if there was nothing I could say to make her believe that I am a good or worthy parent, as energetic and generally with it as she, and the people in her closer circle, are.
There is always the possibility that I am mistaken and it doesn't matter, since this business is a sleeping dog that I am absolutely not going to prod. But I am feeling sobered, particularly since I'm the kind of person who doesn't really think that most people form much of an opinion about her one way or the other. And it is perhaps unnecessary for me to say that I wonder about my friendship with this friend.
But hey, at least I'm not hosting the multi-martini-playdate every afternoon. Or maybe that's what I should be doing.
posted by Elise at 3:01 PM
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said...
You always give me so much to think about, Elise! Thanks. They take me back to my grad school days of arguing philosophy and literary criticism, while giving me a way to think about my daily life now. Usually the two are worlds apart!
The problem, I think, is that the collective we has some notion that the word "motherhood" is absolute. This is of course ridiculous, but I find myself believing it at time as well.
What is a good mother? A bad mother? Or even a mother?! If I parse all the meanings, they cease to make sense at all, and make me feel like such discussions are baseless at best and sinister (as you intimate) at worst. But the difficult fact remains that there are clearly some kids who have been horribly abused by their mothers. So this makes all those other internal debates I have seem meaningless and purely academic.
Here's a question for you: do you think that it's easier to find examples of really bad mothers than good ones? (the mothers who dip their kids in boiling baths for punishment, for example) Or is it just that we like to bolster our own fragile egos by reading about these extreme situations?
--Elizabeth
11/09/2006 3:40 PM
said...
Personally, I shy away from stories that profile "really bad mothers" for many reasons and I think other mothers should too, VERY LOUDLY. The other day I was in a borderline gossipy conversation with a friend about a mutual friend & her family. I let it slip that this mother and her family make me feel inadequate. My friend responded with several ego boosting things, but concluded with the advice, "you shouldn't have friends that make you feel inadequate." I've thought about that a lot because they are inately good people, and a lot of our trouble stems from insecurity on both sides. I've done a lot of editing and censoring in my life since entering motherhood. I no longer watch horror movies, I avoid media that involves violence & children, I still nurse & won't ingest alcohol, caffiene, chocolate, fish, meat, oh the list could go on and on. I never meant to create a bubble, but somehow I feel it's happening, so do I avoid strong people too?
11/09/2006 11:48 PM
said...
I think a lot of the "good mother"/ "bad mother" stuff is really about competitiveness at its core. What we're really worried about is that we're going to screw up in some way and our kids (and our selves) are going to "lose" against other kids because of it. That's why I have a hard time being friends with other mothers-- the unspoken, fierce, denied competitiveness makes most interactions a thinly-veiled game of one-upmanship. I even notice myself sometimes secretly feeling pleased when another mom is having a hard time, and sad when things are going better for her than for me. (Isn't that so horrible? I am working on it.) Maybe this is what's going on with your firend?
11/12/2006 5:29 AM
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