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Watch Your Mouth
Once again, New York Magazine comes up with a semi-puzzling article about how to be a parent that points out all the things one is probably doing wrong. In this latest dispatch, the magazine floats the notion that it is unwise to praise one's child excessively generally- especially for being "smart."
According to this piece, elling a kid he or she is smart is just asking for frustration and sadness and sets the child up to be a total underachiever.
Now, this doesn't really apply much to me at this point in my kid's life since I'm still firmly lodged in praising him for extremely concrete things: putting toys away, not pouring water on the floor (increasingly rare), being gentle with the terrier (not too bad as these things go), wearing his coat without getting all cranked up.
The argument floated is that children become "addicted" to praise but also skeptical of it, especially if they are regularly told they are great for things they don't appear to have had anything to do with. If they are told, for instance, that they're "smart" they feel they are lucky but not necessarily capable of replicating this smartness, or unclear what to do with this praise. On the other hand, if they are praised for working hard or thinking carefully, then they can form a plan of action that can guide them to greater success.
Huh.
This is an interesting idea, I suppose, but as always, one gets a bit sick of the media's enthusiasm for telling parents that they shouldn't be strict or lax or encouraging or discouraging or tolerant or intolerant. . . that one is simply lost unless one is, well, extremely "smart" or "lucky."
What say? There's a fair amount of research in this. Does it make sense?
posted by Elise at 4:21 AM
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said...
I actually believe that but it's really NOT a new idea - the very readable "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" has a huge section on praise that I think is excellent. Basically it says to comment on specifics and let the child come up with the general ("I really like how you drew the sun here." Child: "I'm good at drawing!")
But that was derivative when -that- book first came out which must be - oh close to 20 years now.
2/15/2007 5:14 AM
said...
I actually believe that but it's really NOT a new idea - the very readable "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" has a huge section on praise that I think is excellent. Basically it says to comment on specifics and let the child come up with the general ("I really like how you drew the sun here." Child: "I'm good at drawing!")
But that was derivative when -that- book first came out which must be - oh close to 20 years now.
2/15/2007 5:14 AM
Elise said...
Indeed, one of the most salient characteristics of all parenting guides (I'm thinking of the article I read about the book The Blessing of the Skinned Knee) is that, for the most part, the guidance is repackaged, which doesn't make it less useful.
2/15/2007 6:20 AM
Beatrice said...
In one of my educational psychology classes, this very idea of making praise specific was discussed. Specific praise gives a child something concrete to be proud of. Praise does end up coming across as insincere when it's generic. Saying to someone, "You're smart," ends up not meaning too much. Why is the person smart? What led the giver of the compliment to that conclusion? How does the person giving the compliment define the word "smart"?
Saying, as an example in a teaching context, "Your analysis of Heathcliff and Cathy's relationship in Wuthering Heights was thorough, logical, and articulated excellently" means a lot more to the person who completed the work than a generic comment. Telling Felix that you think he is thoughtful (or whatever descriptors you choose) for putting his toys away is something that conveys a lot more to him that a generic remark because he knows why you are praising him.
2/15/2007 7:06 AM
said...
I think the most important point the article makes is that children should be praised for something they have done, and therefore have control over (and can then do again).
2/15/2007 11:59 AM
said...
I think we all think too much. Just be sincere and don't stress over every little word! One can become nuts over stuff like this.
2/18/2007 12:06 PM
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