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Interesting or Excrutiating?
Emily Bazelon write in Slate today about how forcing one's kids to apologize ("Say you're sorry!") might not be the best parenting technique. What she has to say is not uninteresting but I wonder if the whole notion that one must set a policy for something (don't force apologies, don't offer empty praise, don't offer processed food) isn't a little exhausting and ridiculous.
The theory is that children's apologies under the gun, so to speak, are empty and incomprehensible (to the child - possibly to others as well) whereas if a child learns to recognize the feelings and reactions his or her behavior has on others, then more positive apologies can be produced.
I buy that in a way, but really, I'm also all for rote behavior. I don't think a kid needs to understand exactly why it is good to say "please" or "thank you" early in the game but I make Felix speak those words constantly because they should be second nature. They should also be said with grace but I don't think it's crazy to force that issue.
As for the insincere "sorry"-- at some point sincerity will kick in, just as a sense of irony will, with any luck, and too many people I encounter are afraid to accept that they did something wrong enough to offer up an insincere apology, so again, if "sorry" can somehow be made less than scary, I don't see what's so terrible about pushing for it a little.
posted by Elise at 12:24 PM
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lisa said...
I am a teacher so I think about this a lot: what's the point of making kids say they're sorry when they don't really feel it? But the answer is that you're teaching them how a civilized society works, and the empathy comes later--years later. Until then, at least they know when society expects them to be sorry.
1/18/2008 9:56 PM
MaryP said...
Amen. As a former teacher and current daycare operator, I do promote rote apologies. Yes, it's often quite clear that little Timmy does not quite "get" what we're on about, but as you and Lisa have said, that's not really the point just yet.
The emotional maturity which recognizes someone else's feelings, and, beyond that, true empathy, may be years away (and yes, you do what you can to encourage the development of those, too!), but in the meantime, "Thowwy", and a hug are not such a bad beginning.
1/30/2008 10:35 AM
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lisa said...
MaryP said...