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Kamy
Wicoff Susan
Shapiro Barash Susan
Maushart Rachel
Safier Marg
Stark Elizabeth Freeman An academic deconstructs the wedding Eva Unger Bowditch and Aviva Samet on how to survive your mother-in-lawStephanie Rosenbaum Lisa Miya-Jervis Nancy Cott Sheryl
Nissinen -----------
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t h e i n d i e i n t e r v i e w :
September 2002 | As those of you who visit Kvetch regularly already know, the "In Law" thread sees a lot of activity. Because so many of the posters vent about their tortuous relationships with their spouse’s families, I decided to call in some experts. Writer Eden Unger Bowditch and therapist Aviva Samet are co-authors of "The Daughter-in Laws’s Survival Guide" (New Harbinger). Most of the questions I asked came from Indiebride readers. –Lori Leibovich ----------- What inspired you to write this book? We realized that there was a dearth of literature about the relationship between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. There were jokes and satire, but not a lot of serious discussions. Given Eden is a writer, Aviva is a psychologist (we have been best friends since we were four years old) we thought this might be a good project to do together and an opportunity to create something helpful for daughter-in-laws. A lot of Indiebrides choose to have untraditional weddings, which doesn't always go over well with their mother-in-laws. What's your advice for keeping the peace during the wedding planning process? Traditional or alternative, a wedding is a stressful event and can highlight the fragility of this relationship. To prevent a fissure between husband and wife, and to make clear that they are a united front, the husband and wife need to be together on their needs. Also, a wedding can be seen as a gathering of community and may be a time for compromise. If there are serious family issues about religion or culture, perhaps they should be taken into consideration to make for a more comfortable celebration. For example, if the MIL is strongly connected to a culture or religion that requires some ritual (i.e. the breaking of a glass, the serving of a particular food, the lighting of a candle) and that ritual would not hinder the plans of or cause discomfort to the bride, she should consider including it as a way of showing that she is not excluding her new mother-in-law. Unless there is a real reason to not include the mother-in-law in any of the plans or rituals, it would be generous and positive to make her feel a part of the new family. If there isn't communication among all parties the ramifications can echo throughout the marriage. If the mother-in-law is clear on the fact that the wedding decision ultimately fall on the shoulders of the couple and if the husband is firm with his mother that he and his bride are making those decisions as a unit, then the mother-in-law will hopefully see what is and is not appropriate to suggest as input in the plans. What's the best way to handle cultural differences, i.e. a mother-in-law who is uncomfortable with the fact that her daughter-law is of a different race or religion? Clearly, this depends on the severity of the problem. Try to be respectful and keep communication open. If the rift borders on racism or bigotry, perhaps more serious intervention is needed such as a tolerance workshop or therapy. You say that a husband/son should try not to stay neutral, that he should try to side with his wife. What if your husband isn't willing to do that, or is scared to confront his mother? We say there must be a sense of unity and the husband must see his family as the union with his wife. His mother cannot come between them (clearly, we are speaking in a non-pathological situation). This can be a challenge and a process for the son/husband. As we say in the book, since the son/husband was born, his mother has, most likely, been the most important woman in his life. This is a relationship (son/mother) that is treasured, and may not be easily altered. He may need help. If he can speak easily with his wife, he may want to engage her, although great care and sensitivity is needed here since this can be a highly charged subject. He should keep in mind that, if things become unmanageable and he feels unable to clearly understand his position, he should seek out professional assistance. Additionally, what if the fact that the husband stands by his wife just causes his mother to resent his partner even more? Hopefully, the mother will come to understand her son's new needs. Speaking in Western culture -- since other cultures have different standards of acceptable behavior -- ideally, remaining united will give the mother-in-law a chance to get used to the new situation. With time, hopefully, things will improve. Patience is needed. Determine if there is enough balance in the relationship with the husband to accept that there may be estrangement if there really is an unchanging predicament. We have a lot of stories that reflect this situation in our book. Read the book. Get support. Ultimately, seek professional help if the situation truly seems to be invasively negative. What's the best way to handle overbearing mother in laws who insist on calling or dropping by frequently? Understand her needs. Let her know yours. There is a period of adaptation and change. Behavior like constant calling isn't always permanent. Try to be gentle and show appreciation for her concern. What we want to do here is provide a way for promoting and establishing rapport and create an ongoing relationship. We should not assume that there are nefarious intentions of a woman with whom you may be at odds with simply because your needs are different. Of course, there may be, but we shouldn't assume the worst. try to judge the motivation and respond to the situation with the help of your partner. Let her know, as one of the daughter-in-laws that we interviewed did, that you love her son and want to have him all to yourself for a while or at certain times. Indulge in the love you and she both have for her son, but let her know you need the space. What if you have absolutely nothing in common with your mother-in-law, or you just don't like her. How do you deal with that over the course of a marriage? Remember, this is your husband's mother. Try to find something to appreciate. If the son also wants nothing to do with her, there is little that can be done. If he has a strong relationship with his mother, try to asses why you feel the way you do. And always try to respect your husband's love for his mother. What if the relationship between a woman and her mother-in-law is so fraught that it's interfering with her marriage? Is it ever appropriate to break an engagement or end a marriage over your in-laws? This type of problem signifies a need for professional help. Seek it. Finally, what's the most important thing you've learned as a daughter in law? We've learned that the mother-in-law/daughter in law relationship is a complicated one. We've learned, too, there is no deep relationship that is instant. Do not expect or feel pressure for this relationship to be immediately successful. The developing intimacy requires knowing one another, moving through difficulty and finding common ground. There is no substitute for time spent together. ----------- Is your mother-in-law driving you nuts? Talk about it in Kvetch. ----------- Buy the Daugther-in-Law's Survival Guide ----------- |
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