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Kamy
Wicoff Susan
Shapiro Barash Susan
Maushart Rachel
Safier Marg
Stark Elizabeth Freeman An academic deconstructs the wedding Eva Unger Bowditch and Aviva Samet on how to survive your mother-in-lawStephanie Rosenbaum Lisa Miya-Jervis Nancy Cott Sheryl
Nissinen -----------
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SPRING 2003 | Ask any freshly-married couple and they'll tell you that of course they believe in gender equality -- who doesn't? But faced with the everyday challenges of child rearing, housekeeping, and relationship management, many couples default into roles uncomfortably reminiscent of Ward and June Cleaver -- to the disadvantage of wives everywhere. In "Wifework: What Marriage Really Means for Women," Susan Maushart, a twice-married, twice-divorced mother of three in Perth, Australia and a senior research associate at Curtin University, sheds light on a subject that tends to be swept under the carpet: the bum deal that traditional matrimony presents to women. Why did you write "Wifework"? What interested you about the topic? My personal history, of course -- two failed marriages in ten years. It makes a girl think. Also, I was past the recrimination stage, past the therapeutic stage -- past looking at "me." Now I wanted to look at the thing sociologically, politically even. What advice do you have for newly-married couples? Examine your expectations! And then -- compare your expectations! If you both define "equality" as he does the cooking once a week and is willing to "pitch in" when you ask, fine. But be sure you agree on the definition of words such as "sharing" -- particularly in regards to parenting -- and "equal." This will mean doing some soul-searching, because most of us don't really have very clear ideas about this stuff until it's right in front of us, kicking and screaming (especially in the case of a first baby!). Often we are unaware of our own rules until somebody breaks them. In your opinion, what constitutes an 'equal partnership'? Disputed territory, that. I guess an equal partnership is one in which both partners feel amply acknowledged, respected and rewarded for their contributions ... most of the time. Do you feel that the gender dynamic in marriages now is changing, or staying the same? I think they are changing -- big time. Simply put, women no longer "need" marriage the way they once did. We don't need it financially, reproductively or socially (in order, that is, to be considered a bona fide "adult"). Emotionally, of course, many of us may still need marriage -- or at least a long-term, committed monogamous relationship. Heaven knows, we still find the idea attractive and still pursue it (though admittedly in lesser numbers than ever before -- demographers are now predicting that, among Australian women thirty-five and younger, up to 45 percent will never marry at all). The problem with basing marriage on emotional needs alone, however, is that emotional needs are notoriously fickle. They are a slender reed on which to hang one's biological future. Do childless marriages tend to have more gender equality than those involving children? Could some gender bias be provoked or maintained by the biological necessity of bearing and breastfeeding offspring -- something a man simply can't do? Absolutely. Childless marriages are "equaler". Parenting really does force people -- often against their conscious wills -- back into the traditional grooves. And I do think biology goes a long way toward explaining why this is so. Human groups evolved the gender-based division of labor we call "traditional" for a very good reason. It worked! The biological edge held by females in the care-giving stakes was balanced by the edge held by males in the protection and provision-giving stakes. Presently, these advantages have become less and less relevant, less and less critical to our survival. Indeed, they are today virtually vestigial. What is more likely to drive us these days is the fact that this division of labor is also efficient Irrespective of biology, it is easier for partners to "specialize" than it is for each to "generalize". This is particularly important during a crisis -- for example, the first year of a child's life. In what way is the first year of a child's life a crisis? Jessica! You obviously have never had a baby! Read my book "The Mask of Motherhood" for the long answer. The short answer is: an avalanche of work, no sleep and rampaging doubts and insecurities. Tell us a little more about specialization vs. generalization. Each partner concentrates on doing that thing that he or she is just a tiny bit more able or more inclined or more culturally encouraged to do "just for now". For example, feeding the baby. It's an art form. For most these days, it starts with breastfeeding, which obviously is not going to be shared. Mom takes over when baby starts to diversify his diet because well, this is just something she's done all along. When it's Dad's turn to cook and feed supper, he finds it's really tricky. The kid doesn't like what he's provided. He eats all the banana, throws the spaghetti on the floor and puts the custard in his ear. Dad has a steep learning curve. He's bad at this. It takes too long and leads to too much frustration. So they agree -- usually tacitly -- for the sake of familial harmony that this will be her thing. Do you think the criteria for a good father are different from those for a good husband? How about those for a good mother/wife? Well, if you answer the question from a sufficiently high level of abstraction, no, I don't suppose there is much of a difference. The capacity to love unconditionally, to put another's needs before one's own (not constantly though), to be loyal and faithful, to be willing to provide both physical care and emotional nurturance, to show respect, to be accepting of who the other person is, etc. etc. Having said that, though, a woman who looks to her husband to be a "father" to her, or a guy who expects his wife to mother him, is guaranteed to have major marital problems. It's an interesting question, really. I know that -- whether I wanted to have kids or not - I think I'd want to be married to the kind of guy who'd make a great father. As a single mom, do you feel that you lack any privileges accorded to married mothers? Do you feel that there is still a stigma against the single parent? Are single dads affected by this? Personally, I enjoy being a single parent, and I think on the whole I'm good at it. But then I have many unusual qualifications for the job: a good income, a profession that is meaningful to me, many supportive friends and a temperament that is well suited to solo life. Having said that, I think people idealize single motherhood sometimes, out of a real depth of ignorance of what it entails. Doing everything on your own is not empowering. It is exhausting. Sometimes I think I don't need a husband, but I would love to have a chauffeur, a live-in handyman and a receptionist! I do think there is still a stigma against single parents. Hell, I even find myself discriminating against single parents at times (for me, the penny dropped the day I realized I was subtly discouraging my son's friendship with the child of a single mother). I am horrified by this, but it's there. I think there is an expectation on the part of teachers, etc. that the children of a single mum are going to be in some way more problematic than the average kid ... and I'm sure I've overcompensated (demanding perfection, ultra-responsibility, and high academic achievement, etc. from my children -- and also from myself) as a result. I think people tend to feel sorry for single dads -- "what kind of woman would abandon her kids!" -- and cut them more slack, or give them more credit. But that's purely impressionistic. What are your hopes for the future of marriage? Do you feel that the institution is becoming obsolete, or that it can evolve into a situation beneficial for both partners? I am hopeful by nature. I do think marriage serves the needs of children so much better than any alternative yet devised -- and that this will ensure that the institution does adapt to a more workable model. ----------- Jessica Neuman Beck is a writer for the Metro Santa Cruz newspaper and regular contributor to Kvetch. ----------- Buy Wifework at the Indiebride book store. |
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